Monday, January 17, 2011

My 3 C's And More.

Confusion. Confidence. Comfort. I swear these words play leading roles in my daily life! Hopefully this blog is something others can relate to. Also i hope those reading all my ramblings actually enjoy them haha.

Anyone that knows me knows 3 things about me. 1. I wear my heart on my sleeve. 2. I will easily give every part of who i am for a man i care about. 3. i have zero confidence in myself sometimes. (more then a year ago for sure! but still....)These three things once again caused some drama in my weekend, and caused me a little pain, that surly isn't going to go away anytime soon I'm sensing. Of which I'm torn between being happy about and sad about.

Within the last month i have seen AMAZING blessings, a transformation of spirit, and a deeper love for the gospel in my life. I am SO thankful for this, and I'm blown away by it also. I could never in this lifetime understand the love our Savior and Heavenly Father have for me. But weekly, if not daily i see and learn more about what love really is by them. I am truly being blessed daily in my life with things that i couldn't even imagine. I am building the strongest relationships with others then i have ever had. I am becoming a woman of God. What a blessing that is, but at the same time the road to becoming that woman is definitely testing my strength and endurance to what is right.

I had the opportunity in the last couple weeks of meeting an AMAZING man. A man that is temple worthy, honest, loving, giving, respectful, funny, caring, hardworking, smart, and attractive on the inside and out. If i were to have met this man a year ago i wouldn't of given him a 2ND look. He would of just been another guy on the street. But, i didn't meet him a year ago. I met him at a time when Heavenly Father saw fit. I have fallen for this man and id be a fool to deny i haven't. In fact, those knowing me probably know where I'm going with this lol. I am a VERY honest, straight forward girl. I say what i feel, what i think, and what i want. I am not afraid of pain. I'm use to it. BUT, the events of this weekend have also taught me something else. I am strong beyond measure. I can feel all of these emotional, physical, spiritual connections to a man and if those feelings arnt returned i have learned i can still be his friend. Not just the friend that hopes for something someday (again those that know me know I'm doing this a tiny bit lol)but a friend who is there to support, love, advice and care for this man for who he is.

During this weekend of a tad bit of drama and pain, i was once again taught how mindful and loving our Heavenly Father is of us. The drama kinda broke late Saturday night, i slept maybe a hour and half. When i woke up to get ready for church i just laid there not wanting to even move, let alone open my eyes. I knew myself well enough to know it was going to be a HARD day. But i got up, got ready and drove to church. I sat in my friends car for a minute to gather myself and say a quick prayer that the pain and uncomfort i was feeling in my tummy would go away. That something would hit me in one of the lessons and that i would feel comforted. As i walked into RS and the lesson started instantly i knew i was meant to be there. I'm sure others took out what they needed. But for me the whole lesson was about the Lords time table vs ours. And about how turning to him for peace and comfort give us the ability to build a stronger relationship with him. During the lesson there were a couple things that stuck out to me that were said. First, " Our willingness to sacrifice shows our dedication to the Lord." Second, there was a comment about "putting on the Lords glasses". After Sunday school i drove back to where i was staying to pick up my friends that were not ready yet. In the process one decided that she was just to wiped out to get up. Thus leaving only the young man of which my crush was on. I was worried about how it would be after all the weirdness. But to my pleasant surprise it wasn't weird at all for me. If anything it gave me the chance to speak with him and make things a lil more normal.

In sacrament meeting there was a talk about Happiness and choosing daily to be happy and be grateful for the small things like catching fireflies. When that latter part was mentioned i instantly started crying! Anyone that is from the Midwest knows what fireflies are, and they are like my FAVORITE bug! Welllllll actually the only bug that DOESNT make me scream lol. Another talk was given and a hiking story was shared by a young lady. She had never hiked before, but had decided to do this night hike with her brothers. One of her brothers had done the hike before. He knew the paths and which way to go. He knew how hard it would be, but he also knew the beautiful lake that was at the end of the hike. The young lady shared a sentence that stuck with me pretty hard. " We don't need to know the whole path, we just need to know a few feet in front of us."

I am so blessed in my life to have the friends i have and the gospel. I will admit there is something that is making it so easy to be good friends with the said young man, wither that is because we are meant to be the best of friends. Or if somewhere down the road things might take a turn in a direction no one can predict. What i do know is that i will be eternally grateful for him, for teaching me SO much about myself that day. And for giving me such a new vision of what love is. Love my friends is not just romance and physical. True love is indestructible, it is real, and it is wholesome. I truly do love this man for all he has done for me, and i can only pray he sees how special he truly is.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

A Mighty Change INDEED!

Its been two weeks since i first spoke to my bishop. WOW! Does NOT seem like that long! I have learned so much in the last 2 weeks, things that i knew deep in my heart but never really pondered. I am so grateful for this change in my heart and life, it is still not easy and I'm still hurting a bit. However i have learned a few things either through my personal studying or from others, i would like to share them now. First, the Lord does/will answer heart-felt prayers of all kinds. I have a short story demonstrating this.
On New Years Day i was reading in my Miracle of Forgiveness book and he spoke of eternal life. For some reason this had a uncomfortable feeling to me. The more i thought about it the more my stomach got into a knot and i felt so scared. At this point i realized that the basic concept of the church was something that scared me! I knew i had to fix this. For anyone that knows me knows i am quite determined to fix things when i set out to do so. I tried reading scriptures, thoughts and finally i prayed and asked what i could do. As i ended the prayer i felt like i should call and ask my mother. I did so and she kindly informed me i had ALWAYS had this fear. She had me imagine having my own little girl loving her with all my heart as i would. She then asked me "Now would you ever put this little girl through something that was painful, boring, and uneasy for eternity intentionally?" Of course i said no. She then said "Now, take that feeling of love you have for her and magnify it more then you can comprehend. THAT is how much your Heavenly Father loves you Tricia, now would he put you through that either?" It totally made sense. We kept talking and many things started making sense. She reminded me that we to become a God we would have to learn and grow and that was part of what was going to happen in the next life. She reminded me of a few more things and told me to just turn it over to the Lord and ask him to change that feeling for me. I did so and then kept reading. As i started reading.
President Kimball stated many of the things my mother reminded me of. It made me smile and i let go of that thought knowing in time the fear and uneasiness would go away. Well, today i had an "ah ha" moment as i was talking to a Bestie. I have had more peace, contentment, and the feeling of love in the last 2 weeks then i have in years. I now officially CRAVE the feeling i feel at church. I anxiously await Sunday, and when it comes i want to keep it forever! THAT is what eternity will be like....a life long Sunday! SIGN ME UP! WOOO HOOOO! As i kept reading that day i also realized that i had most likely been without the Holy Ghost for 4-6 years, with brief parts where i was getting him back. I remember during this time saying many of times "The Lord knows my heart." At that point i relied so much on the Lord knowing my heart and not letting my actions show to him i was worthy of exaltation. It is not enough for the Lord to know our heart, our actions will also play a major part in which kingdom we are sent to. As i read this in the book i instantly started crying, at that very moment my mighty change happened. I no longer wanted to live in sin because i never know when my time is up on this earth. The scripture about whatsoever is bound on earth is bound in heaven, and whatsoever is loosed on earth will be loosed in heaven ties so nicely into this. If we do not forsake our sins now, no matter how big or small it will be so much harder to learn and grow in the next life. It is so important to put off the natural man!
I am so grateful for Sundays because they are so inspirational. For the past few weeks i have been stressing out over things i cant control. I have forgot to let the Lord have control and just trust him. It has sent me into countless panic attack and crying fits. Today's sacrament meeting was amazing to me, it lifted my spirit and renewed my soul! We had a High Councilmen speak and usually they don't really keep my attention i will admit. But this man was what i would like to call and Mini Jeffery Holland, although they could be the same age lol. He got so passionate about his talk that many times he was VERY forceful sounding. It moved my soul so much! There were some interesting points in his talk that he shared that i would like to share with all of you.
First he encouraged us to do a weekly introspection of our life. Seeing how aligned we were with Gods plan for us. Then he shared a quote by C.S Lewis "The cross comes before the crown and tomorrow is a Monday morning!" I LOVEEEEEEEEEE that quote so much now. What an inspiration that man is! Our high councilmen then continued on in his talk and spoke of his days as a bishop when all the young women would come into his office at one point in tears about not being married. They would say that they will never get married and that they just give up hope. He said he would say to them "You don't have the luxury of giving up hope!" How true this is! And how true it should be! Later near the end of his talk he said two things that were the final things that id like to share. First, "Faith grows as your obedience grows." Finally, "Put off the natural man/woman and become a saint."
I would like to end with sharing my testimony. I know without a doubt in my mind now that this is the true church. I know that if anyone feels out of place or like they don't belong that they can feel they do but it does take lots of work. I am grateful for the plan of salvation and for my Savior Jesus Christ. I'm thankful to my Heavenly Father for giving me the ultimate gift. His son. I love this church more then anything i have loved or will ever love. I believe with my whole heart that the church should be the most important thing in our lives, and by it being so everything else will work out. Until next time, i say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

2011?! REALLY?!

I can't believe that is already 2011, when little i use to think by now we would be like the Jetsons. Sad day that i don't have my own personal air car. As i embark on this new year, like any other year i have some goals i would like to set for myself. Not resolutions, that word seems to jinx itself. I am truly grateful for the chance i have to live in this country, to partake of its freedom. Before i share my goals with the world i would like to take a moment to thank the men and women who protect me. Thank you for sacrificing your life, family, and comfort. Thank you to the wives of the men that don't come home. Thank you to the mothers who kneel and pray for comfort when their sons and daughters come home in a box. Thank you for their families that within a second their lives change. Thank you to the families that daily watch the news to hear about their family members who protect me. Most of all please God watch over these men and women. Their lives are far harder then mine is and ever will be.

As i think about where i have been this last year of course there are some tears, discomfort, and a degree of "you knew better"'s. But because of the tears and such I am stronger, smarter, and more dependent on the two people that matters most in my life (sorry friends) my Savior and God. Now i know Ive cried wolf many times when speaking about my dedication and love to the Latter-Day Saint church. But doesn't everyone? In some way we all "cry wolf" whither it is saying " I'm going to pray more " or "I'm going to build a stronger relationship with people that matter." While all those things are truly important I have learned one thing this last week. You can set any goals in life you want. ANY! BUT most of them will never happen unless you have 2 things. A broken heart and contrite spirit.

I have heard "a broken heart and contrite spirit" so many times in life. Sadly, until recently i really haven't cared or took interest in what it meant. Let me share with you some thoughts i have had while looking at what this means. The first thing i saw when researching was basically what that means is we give our lives fully to the Lord. Sounds easy huh? I will be the first to tell you it is the hardest thing to do at first. I couldn't do it for years, until i was kinda in a situation that forced me to rely on God and my Savior. The last thing that i take out of having a broken heart and contrite spirit is service. Those that serve can't help but have a broken heart and contrite spirit. They are doing the one thing that brings us the most joy. Just as the scripture says, when you serve others you serve God. What a novel idea! You become closer to God while you serve his sons & daughters. I now have a testimony of that. One simple act.....and I'm stronger. Mind blowing.

As i end this entry i will share with you 5 goals i have for myself this year. I pray for help to keep these goals.

1. I want to read and ponder my scriptures 2 times a day.
2. I want to build a stronger, more dedicated relationship with my Savior & God.
3. I want to love and service others and be there for my friends and family better.
4. I want to blog about my week every Sunday so that at the end of the year i have a 2011 Journal.
5. I want to be just as that little 14 year old girl that was unshaken with her testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

In ending i have noticed one thing that i have decided to do different with my goals this year. Most years its lose 100 lbs, do amazing in school, blah blah blah. Sure them things are great and truly uplifting. But we are taught if we make God and Jesus first in our lives all other things will fall into place. That is what i am doing. If i gain a stronger testimony of this church this year i know i will gain the blessings i need to have everything else in life just fall into place.

Merry Christmas & Happy 2011 friends and family. May this year bless you in all you stand in need of. May you see how important it is to love others just as i have. Until next time......