Little Life Updates

FYI

2011-10-24T17:36:00.001-07:00

I have decided to retire this blog. It will remain open till i can go and print off the entries. If you would like to follow my new one let me know. It will be private and you will have to get approved.

Best Wishes
Tricia

Strength, Faith, Fear.

2011-10-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

Dear World,

Please do not mistake my strength for fear and vice versa. There is a drastic difference between the two. I will explain this to you now. Fear is something that we allow ourselves to hang onto. It is something that we know is there and can feel it eating away our happiness, positivity, and sanity. Fear is something that when one gets comfortable with life they just let happen. It is something that many people use as an excuse. "This wont work because im so afraid of getting hurt", "I cant do this im to afraid" and the worst "Im so afraid of being alone." Fear is a bad 4 letter f word that so many use in their lives that the 5 letter F word can sometimes seem impossible. Faith. Faith trumps fear, it allows you to feel positive, happy, and keeps you sane. It is not something that can be forced upon you. It is something you have to allow in. You have to choose to feel it.

Faith is the icing on the cake called Strength. Strength is confused with fear all of the time. People say that the people who are afraid of some things are just to strong. This is not so. More often than not, Strength comes from having faith that things will be ok. When someone is afraid they usually are not being strong. They are letting things in that shouldnt be there. However, sometimes being afraid can lead to being strong.

In, conclusion it would be much easier on us dear world, if you would stop plastering the media with people who are afraid of things like commitment, love, and happiness that have this big MOMENT and end up with all 3. It causes men to just remind women like me that Hollywood is screwing up our lives! :)

Love, Me

A heartfelt thank you....

2011-10-11T10:41:00.000-07:00

Within the last 2 months I have heard from more than one of my guy friends something like this..."Well i'm not getting younger, its time to start a family so i just decided to commit. She gets me. Its just hard for me to fall in love." This actually is starting to scare me. How many men out there honestly feel this is smart? How many think that a few years down the road when there are little lives involved that this will be easy for them? How many TRULY feel good about committing to someone in a marriage when you are not IN LOVE with them? This makes me sick to think men truly do this! And it sure as heck makes me more guarded now.

For all you men in my life that are REAL, HONEST, TRUSTWORTHY, LOVING, and KIND. Thank You. Many of you that are now my really good friends were once a crush, or a person i was dating. I am grateful for you men that were honest with me from the VERY start of our relationship that you didn't see yourself getting married, having kids, so on. It allowed me to trust you very early in the game. And that means that when im having a hard time it is you that will be the advice i take from. Not the men that are "doing what they should". To those men, you are idiots if you honestly think that down the road she wont figure it out. Women IF they use their minds more than heart are smart enough to tell when a man loves them or not. They are smart enough to tell when a man just "needs time" or when they are just going through the steps the world sees fit to call steps. And when that happens, i pray to heaven that you have not shared your seed and created life. That poor child deserves a 2 parent home of LOVE.

To all the women in the world who are honestly wondering "Does he love me?", ask him. And then ask him why he loves you. IF you don't feel like the answers are heartfelt or worth the possible pain that its a game for him then leave his butt now before you get hurt more. You deserve to be respected and loved. And if he cant do that, than HE is not worth your time.

Also, for all you man "friends" who keep insisting that if a man likes you he will ALWAYS make a move, bugger off. Just so you know not all men are game players, some truly truly are just not prepared to enter a commitment like marriage as fast as those that "feel its time".

That is all.

The Move & More

2011-10-06T00:04:00.000-07:00

Take a trip with me back to July of this year. I was sitting in the exhausting sun of our firework booth for work. I received a phone call from my family tossing out the idea of me moving down to Cedar City. At first i thought this was a joke. Did they not realize how my life was basically in SLC now? Did they not see what a huge and painful thing this would be for me to do? It came to my attention they were 100% serious. And at first i just shrugged it off and went on with my life. As the days went by there were things that just kept pointing to Cedar City. Things that i knew without a doubt weren't happening just by chance. So i did the unthinkable. I prayed about the move. I tried so hard to cloud my judgement and make it into a no. But the heavens had something else in mind for me. That next week was the week i learned how powerful prayer really was. I figured if i avoided asking and praying again i wouldn't get an answer. HA! What a joke! Instead i was "stalked" with the answer of yes. Finally after talking to some friends and my roommate about it, i saw the benefits. And they CLEARLY outweighed the cons. Sadly, i knew i was going to have to be strong, and keep my chin up. I knew this was going to be one of the hardest moves of my life. And boy was I right.

Once i decided to move things fell into place. I applied for a job at the start of OCT and got a call two days later that basically told me i had the job. Once that was set it was like Satan knew what joy my future would bring me by making this move. And he tried it all. There were a couple times where i just about quit. And the last 2 weeks were the worst. Thankfully with the help of friends i made it through and the issues were resolved. Day by day it became time to move. The morning of was no exception to the drama. I was walking down the stairs to get some things from the garage and slipped on a stair and re-hurt my ankle. Just enough to be totally 100% useless in loading and unloading. Then my family that came and got me ran into traffic and the u haul took longer to hook up here in Cedar then expected. I of course was freaking out because they didn't call to tell me they would be later. Finally the moment arrived of saying my goodbyes. My heart was being torn out. The night before i had to say a fast goodbye to my BMFF Gabe. So having to do it a second day was not pleasing to me. But i focused on the ending. Coming back to SLC, coming home.

As we drove that horribly boring drive i could feel parts of me slowly coming back. What i didn't know is countless people were praying for my peace of mind. Just another reason i'm so blessed with amazing friends. I cried a couple times. But the real tears happened when we pulled in to the apartment. Reality hit. This was my home for a couple years. Thankfully my Aunt got out of the car, locked it, and let me have my cry before we unpacked. Slowly its getting easier to function. But the drama is sure not stopping.

I realized something when i woke up from a horrible dream. My attitude about it being so bad is just fueling Satan's fire. It is giving him the power to control me. Sure this might not be my ideal life, but it is going to give me the chance to make my life better. He has encouraged me to be miserable just like he is. And he had me that way for days. I love my family, and i miss my friends. Those two facts can share the same brain without causing a waterfall of tears and guilt. So, here's to choking back the pain and getting over it!

Wish me luck!

♪ Sometimes love just isn't enough ♪ ....or is it?

2011-09-22T22:55:00.000-07:00

"Do you have what it takes? If your marriage is in trouble, can you weather the storm? When the ground gives way and your world collapses, maybe you just need to have faith and trust that you can survive this together. Maybe you just need to hold on tight and no matter what, don't let go." *Gray's Anatomy*

"You think that true love is the only thing that can crush your heart; that will take your life and light it up or destroy it. Then you become a mother." *Gray's Anatomy*

Before hearing these two quotes I honestly was so sure that if i was there for someone enough that they couldn't help but love me. I honestly thought that if i TOLD them how special they were to me that they would feel the same. I honestly truly thought that exercising patience with someone who i *thought* liked me meant putting aside what i felt out of fear he might freak out. How mistaken i was in all these things.

You can only be there for someone if they allow you to get close enough so that they can learn to trust you. You can tell someone how important they are to you till you are blue in the face, but it is their personal choice to feel the same. And holding on to every feeling and thought out of fear will only do one thing; practically wound you in every way.

Just a few months ago i blogged about the fact that wanting love so bad might just be normal that we all feel it. I take that back. Craving love so much that you risk yourself for it is harmful. And i have lived my WHOLE life doing so. Furthermore, i dont know how not to love with who i am. I can't sit here and blame my childhood or my past for this fact. What i can do is take responsibility for it. Like an alcoholic does in AA. So i say.

"Hello, My name is Tricia and i am obsessed with the emotion of love. I am guilty of overdosing on dreams of finding the right one. I am 0 days sober and im not sure how to fix that. Sometimes i wonder if the button so many of my friends are equipped with was misplaced in me, given to someone else. Because for the life of me i do not know how not to love. I love every kind of person till they prove that love is unreal. And sometimes, yes sometimes i love anyways. It has got to the point where this emotion has such a control on me, that its all i speak of. I find myself daydreaming of a happy place and in some form love is there. And the simple thought that having my own child and something happening could crush me harder than true love could, well that my friends scares the hell out of me. So, my question is, how do i not love love?"

Patience Is A Virtue......or something like that

2011-09-05T20:22:00.000-07:00

I am the least patient person in the world I think. I'm fairly sure I've been that way my whole life. And most of the time I don't care if i am or not. But recently I have discovered I might need to learn how to be to keep myself from going insane. I am one of them girls that wears her heart on her sleeve. I love fully, risking it all. Sometimes this is a good thing, but most of the time it is not. And usually what becomes of it is I mentally drive myself crazy trying to figure things out. I think and think and think until my brain is all over the place. What goes hand in hand with that? I doubt myself. I doubt my worth, my confidence, and my strength.

I realize that when I do that I am allowing Satan to take control. So I try so hard to just be positive. To pretend that I am okay. And most of the time i am. Most of the time I am 100% happy with where I am at right now. Most of the time i know I'm a great girl with amazing strengths. But there are those moments after something just doesnt go how i thought it would that i lose it all. I am well awear that people move at very different speeds in relationships. I am awear that most of the time the speed depends on a lot of variables. And Im totally ok with that. I guess the reason for this blog is 2 things.

1. Is it so bad that i just want a hint somehow if a guy is into me or if he is just "being nice"? I mean not all girls will go warp speed if we know a guy likes us. Especially if we know where he stands and how slow he is. I just want to know. Is it that bad?

2. Because i am the girl with her heart on her sleeve, that means im also the girl that doesnt give up. Until a man straight out says, I see you as just a freind and that wont change, i will do whatever i can to help him trust me. I can't change who i fall for. Am i dumb for holding onto the hope that he will fall too? Even knowing i might just get hurt in the long run? Even knowing he might not return the feeling ever?

*sigh*

Line Upon Line......

2011-08-09T11:35:00.000-07:00

Hey, remember all them 45943 times i complained about my life? Yep, me also. Well its about time i realize something. The more i complain the worse it gets....Karma i tell you. Looking back on the last 7 years of my life i have mixed emotions. I laugh, i cry, i get annoyed, i get mad, but most of all im proud. Who would of thought that in 2011 i would be where i am. Sure to most im still that unsucsseful girl who has no idea what she is doing. But to myself, i am a girl who has done it on my own (with scattered help from my best of friends) who still has no idea what she is doing ha ha ha.

I have sat for years and prayed, fasted, begged, and pleaded with God to send me my husband, help me find a super great job, and to help me be able to see my family more. And when it didnt happen, i was mad i admit it. I was so mad that it took my life into a downward spiral. I am not getting any younger id tell myself. Im a loser, i have no real life. I hate my job id think quietly, and im sick and tired of being alone.

How on earth can i expect God to answer something i want when all i can see is the bad? How on earth can i expect blessings when im not even greatful for what i do have most the time? It ends here. (im sure ill complain again, just not as much lol)

You get what you put into life. So wouldnt you think the same goes for blessings? You get what you put into them. If i want to find a husband, i need to prepare as a wife. If i want to find a good job, i need to learn how to be a better worker. If i want to see my family, well im going to have to learn pacients thats for sure! lol

Years later things are falling into place. I have the Uhaul/van planned, i know what the time frame is that i will be exiting SLC, and i know where im going to be living. Is this an answer to a prayer? Not to the ones i was asking, but it is one. Its not a husband, job, or what i am familar with. But it is peaceful. For the first time in my life i am at peace for where i am. I love who i am, where im going, and who i was in the past. By loving that person i have learned to forgive myself for some of the hardest lessons ive ever had to learn. And i have learned to love others.

Life isnt measured in the breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away. If this is the case, my life is truly amazing for 2 real good reasons. I have family and friends that love me unconditionally. That will give all they can to make MY life easier to bare. Second, i have a loving Heavenly Father who hurts when i hurt, loves when i love, laughs when i laugh, and loves when even i cant love myself. All the rest i want? Honestly, who cares? Ive got what i need to make it till i get that too :)

L-O-V-E

2011-08-06T11:27:00.000-07:00

Its that annoyingly happy word that can make or break your mood in mins. Its that word that for the bitter people makes us normal people look weak and out of control. Its that word that no matter who you are, you DO wish to hear it, feel it, and have it in your life. Then why is it, when we find it we run? Why is it when it is right there in our face being supportive, we ignore it? Why is it that the one feeling all humans look for in some fashion is so Katy Perry that we tend to just walk away from it?

Yes, this is once again that annoying topic that most of my friends think im obsessed with. Sue me. But here is my thought. Is it really obsession? Or is it simply a girl looking for something new? Looking for something to come home to? Looking for something to make all the monsters of life go away? I do not believe for one second that even the people that are "happy being single" are truly happy. I believe they have got so comfortable with who they are, where they are that they deal. It is a human reaction to want the feeling of love. I mean even Darth Vader wanted to feel it. Why else would he say "Luke, i am your father"? He was looking for accpectance. Love.

I think that the thing that floors me the most is people on the outside of a "relationship" giving advice when they are single and bitter. I recently came across this. Someone said to me "If he liked you, he would let you know by now. In some way he would tell you." Does this person not understand that not everyone loves the same way? Who am i to say this said man doesnt care about me? And why would i say that just because he isnt saying it in a way i know? Not everyone in the world moves at the same speed. So am i an idiot to even hang on to a tiny bit of hope that he will pick me? Am i an idiot to still care for someone who directly hasnt said he cared for me? Am i an idiot for being a hopeless romantic, knowing very well i could get my heart broken? Maybe so. But i ask you this one last question.

Would you rather be an idiot for love, or a bitter person having nothing to look forward to?

Me, im happy to be an idiot for love. It might hurt me more times then not. But i am 100% greatful for that hurt. Without that hurt i wouldnt be who i am. Without that hurt i wouldnt know what i know. And without that hurt i might never find that man that will finally make me cry tears of happiness.

Reality in dreams? Please Lord, i hope not this one.

2011-06-28T00:31:00.000-07:00

Have you ever awoke from a dream that felt like it was real? Where you wake up in the same place, same position, same mood you were in in this dream?

Up till tonight i could of said no. Up until tonight i never had dreams that scared me so much....that i was shaking. Sure i had dreams of death, pain, and many other things. But never in my life have i had a dream that could of been real.

For those that know much about my life you know 2 things. 1. I give everything i have to a friendship/relationship until i feel i cant do anymore. 2. I wear my heart on my sleeve. What you see is what you get. I dont play games, i dont hide emotions. I am real. Sadly, sometimes this can be bad. And not because i get heartbroken. But because i can hurt others so easy. I can do things that come across like im a total brat and SO ungreatful. I can say things that are worded so wrong that i could end a friendship or much worse on the spot. The sad part about this.....I never realized this till tonight. Till i had this hell-like dream.

It started in the most beautiful way. I was on the beach with of course this guy who ive had strong feelings for but have kept them fairly hush. At the start of the dream we were just walking along talking, connecting, just being friends. Said guy is very much i dont want to say anti marriage. But just in a different place than i am in his head. So we are walking along and all of a sudden he points out this cool boat sailing along. So i look out and while im doing so he pulls out a ring and kneels behind me. I freak out of course becasue well ya hes my ideal. I say yes we end up getting married and everthing is good. Then there is 2 kids (twins im assuming) and im cooking and cleaning and doing life. He is always gone cuz he works ALL the time. And im at my breaking point. He comes home and suprises me and instead of me being so happy to see him i just close off and keep cleaning and stuff. He tries to get me to just relax and spend time as a family but im going going going. He then says something about how he knew this is what would happen when he got married that his job would be so demanding that there would be so much stress on his marriage that it would be over.

Me being the girl i am i freak out. I start shaking and i just go into our room and start packing up his bags. He walks into room carring one of the babies and asks me what the heck im doing. I just start yelling about how obviously he doesnt love me or want to be married to me so that he can just go live elsewhere till i can get all myself packed up and get out of HIS house. He tries to calm me down and sits the baby in the bassinett. He tries to hold me but i just start pushing away and trying to get away and i end up falling back onto the bed shaking.

This is when i wake up....in my bed...in that position...shaking....I instantly start crying. I realized tonight that i have many traits that my mother has. I love her with all i am but there are so many similarties. I am impatient, i get mad easy, i over analyze, over think, and jump to conclusions. Its my way or no way. THIS is why im not married. There are so many things i need to work on....and im so overwhelmed.....I feel like a total loser.

A-Z & 1,2,3: Random Update of EVERYTHING!

2011-06-14T20:08:00.000-07:00

Well lets see, where to start?

In December as many of you know i had what i can only discribe as a "Might Change" of life. It wasn't just my heart. It was EVERYTHING! I instantly fell in love with the feeling of peace i had in my life again. Since then there was a tiny bump but after that bump i quickly realized how Satan was going to work me. He was no longer going through men to get to me first. He was using my girl"friends". I use the word friends there lightly. Because im realzing that some of the people i thought i could trust the most i really can't. That makes me really sad. But, during this period of time i learned one major thing. The people that matter most in my life will stick with me through anything! The ones that don't stick with me, truly dont matter. And its very easy for me to be rid of them now. I just dont have time for their drama.

As i grew stronger in the church, i grew close to some of the members of the ward. I grew even closer to my bishopric. I saw all of them as my Dads. About a month ago they redid all the student wards in the SLC and Davis Counties. They redid boundries. And i lost my bishopric. It was the hardest Sunday of my life. I don't think i have ever cried that hard. I felt lost again. And that scared me. Thankfully my Heavenly Father knew what i needed more. My new ward is amazing! We do some of the funnest things! The bishopric is awesome. Their wives are amazing! AND i have a new calling. I teach Gospel Doctrine. You'd think that this calling would be easy for me since im outgoing. Last Sunday was my first Sunday teaching. I think i was sweating the whole time!!!!! NO JOKE!!! I was sooooo afraid!!!!!! The last thing i wanted to do was teach something wrong. I hear it went well though. Still scary.

As of now, things are going really well in life. There are things i wish were going better. But for now this is good enough! Thank you to everyone that kept me sane during this time without my laptop! lol i almost died not blogging and stuff!

Instant Connections Can Become Instant Failures

2011-05-09T11:07:00.000-07:00

So anyone that knows me know that i wear my heart on my sleeve. This is not only the case for men, but women also. The number of girls that i trust with my secrets i can count on one hand. I do not connect to women fast. So when it happens I'm pretty much all in. That means that when a guy starts causing drama and making the girl sad i want to be there for her. I guess i should just not care so much and try to make sure they know I'm there for them. Because what happens usually is when i see the warning flags from the outside and i inform them, i then become the bad guy. And more times out of not I lose the friend. How this works for some women i don't know. I take to heart anything a girlfriend tells me about a guy. And usually they are right.

I am SOOOOOO done trusting people so easy. This was the last straw. It broke the camels back. I don't have time to invest in someone who wont talk to me about stuff and mend things with a man while removing me from their life. As if that is going to destroy me?. What happens? I usually do the same, and i don't look back anymore.

On happy news lol! I got a job and i love it. My ward changed, and i love it! I moved in with a new/old roommate almost 2 months ago and you guessed it, i LOVE it! Oh and I'm officially addicted to twitter. AND the official twitter page for the Red Sox is following me! WOOOT! Yes I'm THAT excited about this! lol

Life is good. In the midst of trials look for the silver lining. There always is one :)

My Girlfriend's Boyfriends

2011-04-17T01:45:00.000-07:00

So today started with having a rare chance to witness exactly what i want in a marriage. I attended a friends baby shower, and in just a few moments i saw the undeniable love her husband has for her. It inspired me. While at the same time, it caused a spin of emotions today for me. I knew that there was a good chance i was totally PMS'ing so i decided it was early to bed for me. So i feel asleep around 930pm. I was awoke by a text, and from there my mind just went nuts. So in hopes to fall back to sleep i decided to check out netflix. I was scanning thought the instant movies and noticed the name of one that looked familiar. So i started watching it. About half way through i remember thinking "Hey i think my friend Ryan did this movie". Ironically enough......i didn't realize the irony that was about to unfold.

In this movie there were SO many moments that were similar to moments I've spent with Ryan. I wish i could say that this realization was happy, but it was not. It caused a rush of emotions and a long hot bath after to think. As i was drawing the water, i had this thought and put it in my iPhone notes. " There comes a time in life when what you think you want or even need is so important that it changes who you become. Both these men have done this for me. The future is unknown, but what i want is not. So now, the true question is...when the future will give me that." I have spent SO much energy trying to get what i want that i didn't think about what i need. I have spent so much time in the past few months trying to figure out if these boys liked me, that I've ignored what matters.

I know I'm a catch, i know that someday when the Lords time is right i will meet the man that makes me feel all of these amazing things these two man do/have. Gabe proved to me that good guys can care about someone who had been around the block so many time shes the lil dude on the mapquest map. Ryan has reminded me that conversation is the MOST important thing to me in any situation. If the conversation is natural then the relationship whatever it is, will be amazing. It makes me sad that i was so caught up in if he liked me, that i didn't see this till just now.

What do i want? A family, kids, drama, and everything that comes with that. What do i need? To trust God knows i want that and that it will happen on his watch, not mine. Therein lies the trick. I need to be more like a grasshopper, and less like a lion. I need to LET things happen, and stop trying to encourage them to happen. It never seems to work. Good things come to those who wait, better things come to those that endure. Enduring isn't just living with what happens, it is looking at what is happening and improving yourself.

Unanswered Prayers

2011-04-03T01:32:00.000-07:00

For years i have vented, complained, and stressed about marriage, love, and relationships. If there is anything that i have learned in the last few months it is that the Lord knows us better than we know us. He loves us more than we love us at times. And he has more faith in us then most of the time we do ourselves.

Recently there have been 2 men in my life that have drastically changed it. Both of them have started in the same way. Boy is sweet. Girl falls for boy. The difference between them is major. The first one i did sooooo much work to make it known i cared, that i didn't allow him to care. I read into things, misread signs, and basically almost ruined something that i didn't know would happen. Friendship. He is the single most important person in my life right now next to God, and my best girlfriend and roomie. He knows me better than i know myself i believe. He respects me, is honest with me, and puts up with ALL of my imperfections. Falling for him so fast taught me MANY things i needed to learn. And in the end i still won. I have him as my Best Friend.

The second man, i can't even put into words what a wonderful person he is. He is everything i have in my Best Friend, but there is that spark. And i know without a doubt he feels it. As many of you know i am a VERY hard girl. What you see is what you get. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm honest, real, and direct. I don't play games, and i don't believe in "gender roles". I figure if i like a guy he should know, and usually he does lol. The trick i must learn is to as my roommate and BeSIStie said "Let him miss you." Because i don't believe in games i have a tendency to do ALL the work. And when the work gets to be to much, i also tend to freak out like a 2 year girl who's brother just tore off her Barbies head. At that point i close up. I get scared, emotional, and lose faith in who i am.

I had this discussion with my Roomie today. I said i somehow had to be able to wear my heart on my sleeve, but keep it from getting broken. Just like a cuff link, its gonna get scratched, and banged up a bit. Call me dumb, but i don't regret that. What i do regret is one single thing. Losing Trust.

When something doesn't go the way i expected, like deciding to not text for 2 days and hearing nothing from a boy. I tend to lose trust in God. Faith in his plan for me. I told my roommate tonight that i wish i just was hard....that i didn't care....that i wasn't sweet and loving. I expressed how if the signs i saw from him of interest weren't real then i sure as heck don't know what is. I was quickly losing trust, and faith in God.

As if he could pre-hear my prayers he answered a question i hadn't even asked. I watched a movie tonight about long distance relationships. I realized how because of my heart on my sleeve i couldn't handle one RIGHT NOW. I realized that just because God is saying "Not right now" to what i want more then anything, doesn't mean hes saying "No". There is a reason for everything in life. The good, bad, happy, sad, drama, and peace. Each emotion has a purpose. Each purpose brings us one step close to our end goal. Eternal Life. So my dear friends.....I am grateful for unanswered prayers all these years. And I'm grateful for the "Not right nows", they teach me to trust more.

Can i get a BIG RED EASY BUTTON please?

2011-03-19T01:59:00.000-07:00

I know we are sent here to earth to get stronger and become who God wants us to be, but there are times when i just want a get out of jail card, that big red button, or a golden ticket to a chocolate factory where you don't get fat from eating all that darn chocolate!

The last 4 months of change in my life have been exactly that, CHANGE! I feel like a bouncy ball being played with by a 2 year old. First I'm in their mouth, then I'm thrown to the ground to see how high i can bounce. For just one month, i would like something to be normal. Something to just stay smooth. Plzkthanx!

Now, since i have just whined for like 2 mins i guess i should say that it has not been all bad. I have learned a lot about myself and who i want to be. I have learned that sometimes you can do sooooo much and still come out on the bottom. That doesn't mean you failed. It means you tried something, and it just wasn't right. Example? Okay.

I'm a difficult person to live with. I was raised differently and i just react, think, and talk differently. For YEARS i have had people tell me that because of some of these things i wouldn't get married, i wouldn't be happy, and i just wasn't a good friend. This was really starting to bother me. So, i prayed. I asked Heavenly Father to show me things that mattered that i needed to fix. And then i prayed that the things that didn't matter as much i could grow to learn to not let bother me. It amazes me how this man works. He wastes no time. I have learned that i am NOT a trusting and openingly loving person to many. It is hard for me to connect saying i love you to showing it. It has always been that way for me. This is something that was a "work on it" and a "don't worry about it" thing.

It was a work on it thing because i have to learn to connect those two things. It was a don't worry about it thing because it is also something that keeps me from getting hurt to much. I am the most forgiving person in the world to some people and not to others. This could be seen as being a brat, but i see it as a good protection. Sometimes the people i trust turn out to not deserve that trust. Sometimes the people that i don't trust earn that trust and never lose it again no matter what. All in all i have come to one conclusion.

I am doing JUST fine with who i am, where I'm going, and what I'm becoming. I know that i am an AMAZING daughter, friend, granddaughter, sister and so on. I know i have MANY imperfections. I am grateful for them, because they keep me humbled. I know I'm beautiful, talented, and that heart on my sleeve? Yep....its not going ANYWHERE. I guess I'm one of those people that like it there, because id rather be hurt over and over then miss someone that is meant to be part of that heart. Life isn't meant to be full of drama, unhappiness and tears. It is meant to be fun, happy, and full of joy. The only person that chooses what our life is made of is US. NO ONE BUT OURSELVES CHOOSE TO BE UNHAPPY! THE.END!

My 3 C's And More.

2011-01-17T23:35:00.001-08:00

Confusion. Confidence. Comfort. I swear these words play leading roles in my daily life! Hopefully this blog is something others can relate to. Also i hope those reading all my ramblings actually enjoy them haha.

Anyone that knows me knows 3 things about me. 1. I wear my heart on my sleeve. 2. I will easily give every part of who i am for a man i care about. 3. i have zero confidence in myself sometimes. (more then a year ago for sure! but still....)These three things once again caused some drama in my weekend, and caused me a little pain, that surly isn't going to go away anytime soon I'm sensing. Of which I'm torn between being happy about and sad about.

Within the last month i have seen AMAZING blessings, a transformation of spirit, and a deeper love for the gospel in my life. I am SO thankful for this, and I'm blown away by it also. I could never in this lifetime understand the love our Savior and Heavenly Father have for me. But weekly, if not daily i see and learn more about what love really is by them. I am truly being blessed daily in my life with things that i couldn't even imagine. I am building the strongest relationships with others then i have ever had. I am becoming a woman of God. What a blessing that is, but at the same time the road to becoming that woman is definitely testing my strength and endurance to what is right.

I had the opportunity in the last couple weeks of meeting an AMAZING man. A man that is temple worthy, honest, loving, giving, respectful, funny, caring, hardworking, smart, and attractive on the inside and out. If i were to have met this man a year ago i wouldn't of given him a 2ND look. He would of just been another guy on the street. But, i didn't meet him a year ago. I met him at a time when Heavenly Father saw fit. I have fallen for this man and id be a fool to deny i haven't. In fact, those knowing me probably know where I'm going with this lol. I am a VERY honest, straight forward girl. I say what i feel, what i think, and what i want. I am not afraid of pain. I'm use to it. BUT, the events of this weekend have also taught me something else. I am strong beyond measure. I can feel all of these emotional, physical, spiritual connections to a man and if those feelings arnt returned i have learned i can still be his friend. Not just the friend that hopes for something someday (again those that know me know I'm doing this a tiny bit lol)but a friend who is there to support, love, advice and care for this man for who he is.

During this weekend of a tad bit of drama and pain, i was once again taught how mindful and loving our Heavenly Father is of us. The drama kinda broke late Saturday night, i slept maybe a hour and half. When i woke up to get ready for church i just laid there not wanting to even move, let alone open my eyes. I knew myself well enough to know it was going to be a HARD day. But i got up, got ready and drove to church. I sat in my friends car for a minute to gather myself and say a quick prayer that the pain and uncomfort i was feeling in my tummy would go away. That something would hit me in one of the lessons and that i would feel comforted. As i walked into RS and the lesson started instantly i knew i was meant to be there. I'm sure others took out what they needed. But for me the whole lesson was about the Lords time table vs ours. And about how turning to him for peace and comfort give us the ability to build a stronger relationship with him. During the lesson there were a couple things that stuck out to me that were said. First, " Our willingness to sacrifice shows our dedication to the Lord." Second, there was a comment about "putting on the Lords glasses". After Sunday school i drove back to where i was staying to pick up my friends that were not ready yet. In the process one decided that she was just to wiped out to get up. Thus leaving only the young man of which my crush was on. I was worried about how it would be after all the weirdness. But to my pleasant surprise it wasn't weird at all for me. If anything it gave me the chance to speak with him and make things a lil more normal.

In sacrament meeting there was a talk about Happiness and choosing daily to be happy and be grateful for the small things like catching fireflies. When that latter part was mentioned i instantly started crying! Anyone that is from the Midwest knows what fireflies are, and they are like my FAVORITE bug! Welllllll actually the only bug that DOESNT make me scream lol. Another talk was given and a hiking story was shared by a young lady. She had never hiked before, but had decided to do this night hike with her brothers. One of her brothers had done the hike before. He knew the paths and which way to go. He knew how hard it would be, but he also knew the beautiful lake that was at the end of the hike. The young lady shared a sentence that stuck with me pretty hard. " We don't need to know the whole path, we just need to know a few feet in front of us."

I am so blessed in my life to have the friends i have and the gospel. I will admit there is something that is making it so easy to be good friends with the said young man, wither that is because we are meant to be the best of friends. Or if somewhere down the road things might take a turn in a direction no one can predict. What i do know is that i will be eternally grateful for him, for teaching me SO much about myself that day. And for giving me such a new vision of what love is. Love my friends is not just romance and physical. True love is indestructible, it is real, and it is wholesome. I truly do love this man for all he has done for me, and i can only pray he sees how special he truly is.

A Mighty Change INDEED!

2011-01-09T15:44:00.000-08:00

Its been two weeks since i first spoke to my bishop. WOW! Does NOT seem like that long! I have learned so much in the last 2 weeks, things that i knew deep in my heart but never really pondered. I am so grateful for this change in my heart and life, it is still not easy and I'm still hurting a bit. However i have learned a few things either through my personal studying or from others, i would like to share them now. First, the Lord does/will answer heart-felt prayers of all kinds. I have a short story demonstrating this.
On New Years Day i was reading in my Miracle of Forgiveness book and he spoke of eternal life. For some reason this had a uncomfortable feeling to me. The more i thought about it the more my stomach got into a knot and i felt so scared. At this point i realized that the basic concept of the church was something that scared me! I knew i had to fix this. For anyone that knows me knows i am quite determined to fix things when i set out to do so. I tried reading scriptures, thoughts and finally i prayed and asked what i could do. As i ended the prayer i felt like i should call and ask my mother. I did so and she kindly informed me i had ALWAYS had this fear. She had me imagine having my own little girl loving her with all my heart as i would. She then asked me "Now would you ever put this little girl through something that was painful, boring, and uneasy for eternity intentionally?" Of course i said no. She then said "Now, take that feeling of love you have for her and magnify it more then you can comprehend. THAT is how much your Heavenly Father loves you Tricia, now would he put you through that either?" It totally made sense. We kept talking and many things started making sense. She reminded me that we to become a God we would have to learn and grow and that was part of what was going to happen in the next life. She reminded me of a few more things and told me to just turn it over to the Lord and ask him to change that feeling for me. I did so and then kept reading. As i started reading.
President Kimball stated many of the things my mother reminded me of. It made me smile and i let go of that thought knowing in time the fear and uneasiness would go away. Well, today i had an "ah ha" moment as i was talking to a Bestie. I have had more peace, contentment, and the feeling of love in the last 2 weeks then i have in years. I now officially CRAVE the feeling i feel at church. I anxiously await Sunday, and when it comes i want to keep it forever! THAT is what eternity will be like....a life long Sunday! SIGN ME UP! WOOO HOOOO! As i kept reading that day i also realized that i had most likely been without the Holy Ghost for 4-6 years, with brief parts where i was getting him back. I remember during this time saying many of times "The Lord knows my heart." At that point i relied so much on the Lord knowing my heart and not letting my actions show to him i was worthy of exaltation. It is not enough for the Lord to know our heart, our actions will also play a major part in which kingdom we are sent to. As i read this in the book i instantly started crying, at that very moment my mighty change happened. I no longer wanted to live in sin because i never know when my time is up on this earth. The scripture about whatsoever is bound on earth is bound in heaven, and whatsoever is loosed on earth will be loosed in heaven ties so nicely into this. If we do not forsake our sins now, no matter how big or small it will be so much harder to learn and grow in the next life. It is so important to put off the natural man!
I am so grateful for Sundays because they are so inspirational. For the past few weeks i have been stressing out over things i cant control. I have forgot to let the Lord have control and just trust him. It has sent me into countless panic attack and crying fits. Today's sacrament meeting was amazing to me, it lifted my spirit and renewed my soul! We had a High Councilmen speak and usually they don't really keep my attention i will admit. But this man was what i would like to call and Mini Jeffery Holland, although they could be the same age lol. He got so passionate about his talk that many times he was VERY forceful sounding. It moved my soul so much! There were some interesting points in his talk that he shared that i would like to share with all of you.
First he encouraged us to do a weekly introspection of our life. Seeing how aligned we were with Gods plan for us. Then he shared a quote by C.S Lewis "The cross comes before the crown and tomorrow is a Monday morning!" I LOVEEEEEEEEEE that quote so much now. What an inspiration that man is! Our high councilmen then continued on in his talk and spoke of his days as a bishop when all the young women would come into his office at one point in tears about not being married. They would say that they will never get married and that they just give up hope. He said he would say to them "You don't have the luxury of giving up hope!" How true this is! And how true it should be! Later near the end of his talk he said two things that were the final things that id like to share. First, "Faith grows as your obedience grows." Finally, "Put off the natural man/woman and become a saint."
I would like to end with sharing my testimony. I know without a doubt in my mind now that this is the true church. I know that if anyone feels out of place or like they don't belong that they can feel they do but it does take lots of work. I am grateful for the plan of salvation and for my Savior Jesus Christ. I'm thankful to my Heavenly Father for giving me the ultimate gift. His son. I love this church more then anything i have loved or will ever love. I believe with my whole heart that the church should be the most important thing in our lives, and by it being so everything else will work out. Until next time, i say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

2011?! REALLY?!

2011-01-01T08:47:00.000-08:00

I can't believe that is already 2011, when little i use to think by now we would be like the Jetsons. Sad day that i don't have my own personal air car. As i embark on this new year, like any other year i have some goals i would like to set for myself. Not resolutions, that word seems to jinx itself. I am truly grateful for the chance i have to live in this country, to partake of its freedom. Before i share my goals with the world i would like to take a moment to thank the men and women who protect me. Thank you for sacrificing your life, family, and comfort. Thank you to the wives of the men that don't come home. Thank you to the mothers who kneel and pray for comfort when their sons and daughters come home in a box. Thank you for their families that within a second their lives change. Thank you to the families that daily watch the news to hear about their family members who protect me. Most of all please God watch over these men and women. Their lives are far harder then mine is and ever will be.

As i think about where i have been this last year of course there are some tears, discomfort, and a degree of "you knew better"'s. But because of the tears and such I am stronger, smarter, and more dependent on the two people that matters most in my life (sorry friends) my Savior and God. Now i know Ive cried wolf many times when speaking about my dedication and love to the Latter-Day Saint church. But doesn't everyone? In some way we all "cry wolf" whither it is saying " I'm going to pray more " or "I'm going to build a stronger relationship with people that matter." While all those things are truly important I have learned one thing this last week. You can set any goals in life you want. ANY! BUT most of them will never happen unless you have 2 things. A broken heart and contrite spirit.

I have heard "a broken heart and contrite spirit" so many times in life. Sadly, until recently i really haven't cared or took interest in what it meant. Let me share with you some thoughts i have had while looking at what this means. The first thing i saw when researching was basically what that means is we give our lives fully to the Lord. Sounds easy huh? I will be the first to tell you it is the hardest thing to do at first. I couldn't do it for years, until i was kinda in a situation that forced me to rely on God and my Savior. The last thing that i take out of having a broken heart and contrite spirit is service. Those that serve can't help but have a broken heart and contrite spirit. They are doing the one thing that brings us the most joy. Just as the scripture says, when you serve others you serve God. What a novel idea! You become closer to God while you serve his sons & daughters. I now have a testimony of that. One simple act.....and I'm stronger. Mind blowing.

As i end this entry i will share with you 5 goals i have for myself this year. I pray for help to keep these goals.

1. I want to read and ponder my scriptures 2 times a day.
2. I want to build a stronger, more dedicated relationship with my Savior & God.
3. I want to love and service others and be there for my friends and family better.
4. I want to blog about my week every Sunday so that at the end of the year i have a 2011 Journal.
5. I want to be just as that little 14 year old girl that was unshaken with her testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

In ending i have noticed one thing that i have decided to do different with my goals this year. Most years its lose 100 lbs, do amazing in school, blah blah blah. Sure them things are great and truly uplifting. But we are taught if we make God and Jesus first in our lives all other things will fall into place. That is what i am doing. If i gain a stronger testimony of this church this year i know i will gain the blessings i need to have everything else in life just fall into place.

Merry Christmas & Happy 2011 friends and family. May this year bless you in all you stand in need of. May you see how important it is to love others just as i have. Until next time......

Selfish Venting: Self Love, Self Esteem, & Myself

2010-10-17T19:19:00.000-07:00

First off i want to make it clear that i know what im about to talk about is selfish. I know that it makes me look like i dont give a crap about my friends, family, so on. For those that truly know me know this isn't true. For those that dont know me and think it is, well either get to know me or get over it? Just saying. Also i want to disclose that this venting isn't attacking any one single person. It IS attacking this daily fact of wanting to just burst into tears for no reason. I apologize ahead of time if this offends. If ANYONE feels like it is attacking them personally, please come to me to discuss this. I really want no feelings being hurt. That being said, be prepared for a long entry. Oh and excuse the pity party lol, what snack did you bring to share? :)

First lets start off many many years ago now. I have an Aunt who was killed by a drunk driver before our family joined the church. My step-dad always said we were just dry Mormons, you just had to add the water. My mother was the only one married and was told she would never bare children (i have 3 other siblings, proof God is the best Dr). Well before my aunt Kay was killed she started making this baby blanket. Being my mother was the only one married you could understand the contention this brought about. My aunt had special needs, but was very loving and obviously in tune with the spirit. She still carried on like a normal teenager. School, driving, so on. I dont know the extent of that part. Anyways. Everyone questioned her about the blanket, she kept insisting my mother was going to have a child. She got the blanket half way done and was pulling out to school one morning, and as i stated was hit by a drunk driver. The car apparently flew into a field and burst into flames. The family was lost, at this time not being members and thinking they would NEVER see her again, they were lost. Well, a few weeks to a month later my mother found out she was 2 weeks pregnant with me. I always start tearing up at this part. I was known as the miracle baby, the baby that helped cure the pain that was brought about randomly.

Now, sure that is a really moving story, touching to the soul. But can you imagine the amount of pressure that puts on me? I honestly feel like i was handed this huge plate with a whole pig on it, and was told i had only an hour to eat it. I'm stuffed. This ties in nicely right now with the whole point of that story. I use to not understand who i was, why im here, and what to do in life. I'm for sure not saying i understand fully now, but the past few months things have began to get easier. I have seen that the only person placing that pig on my plate is me. I have learned that i am an amazing person that is loving, caring, and real. I have gained that self esteem, self love, and self worth i have never felt before. I know God loves me, and i KNOW he hears my pleas. But this is the part where i become selfish and frustrated. I pray others reading this can relate, feel free to help me understand any way you can.

In the last few months i have witnessed more weddings, births, relationships, and people basically..........getting exactly what i want. Selfish? Ya...i know. It breaks my heart, yet i am so happy for them at the same time. In the church these days it seems that once you hit 30 and you aren't married there is something wrong with you. That you did something wrong along the way. Now again that is just how i FEEL, not what is taught. I have held this in for so long, that i think that is why i cant fall asleep. A friend of mine said to me today. " I use to be afraid of sleep." It was like a light bulb. I am so afraid to sleep because i know that my dreams of a family will still happen. I know that my dreams of just having that one person to hold me and to hold will happen. I know that the dreams of everything i desire wont just stop. It haunts me like a evil spirit. And i am at my wits end trying to figure out how to make them stop. It is clearly nothing that is wrong with me. And if one more person tells me " In the Lords time Tricia" i swear to chocolate i am going to go animal planet on them! I get that its the Lords time, but what about what i want? What about what i feel i need? Ya he might think that its not "my" time, but i do. And i as a human being can only attend church so much, read my scriptures so much and do all them primary answers SO much, before i want to explode. Which brings me to my final point of which i pray neither of my parents read lol.

I get that we are taught happiness is in the temple, and i believe that dont get me wrong. I want that, and i wont settle for a life without that. But, what if my calling to marry isn't that easy? What if i am to be an example to someone of the church and teach them the truth. And what if along the way i DO fall in love with that person. Am i honestly supposed to keep saying, well if/when you join the church i can marry you? Something about that sounds so screwy to me. Now dont think im going to run out find some non-member and say hey your mine lets make babies! My point is, is it so bad to marry outside the church, as long as the other party understands my stance with it? IDK....this is the one single part of the church i fight with. I have had chances to possibly marry, but i walked away because they weren't LDS and weren't going to join.......now i question that.

Facts Vs Fiction Part 2

2010-10-05T00:34:00.000-07:00

What an eventful evening! I have never cried so much, never smiled so much, never felt so much support. Thank you to everyone that was there including my Cousin Chris who made my mind rest, my heart full, and my brain ready to go again!

I have decided NOT to post anything more on this topic against my dear loving Boyd K Packer. I have decided there is no reason for it. What it comes down to is 2 things. Love & Acceptance of PEOPLE. I will talk about both of these briefly and then put this topic to rest.

For just a few hours i felt attacked, unloved, alone, and unhappy. Some of the people i thought the world of were throwing punches at me for different reasons. I was told i was going to hell because i supported Gay Rights. I was told I was insensitive because i believed in and supported and sustained Boyd K Packer. In a way you could say i was bullied correct? I was bullied by the people that were complaining they were bullied by Elder Packer. These people were taking jabs at him saying that he was probably harassed for his last name and hates gays now, saying that he probably overcame being gay. Seriously? Were you NOT just complaining about how what he said could cause bullying and yet you did it to him? Hypocritical? Hell (pardon my french), I am doing the same thing right now! Point is im doing it to prove a point. What good does fighting about something we know will NEVER change on either end do? (I will get to this later) We must love. "Turn the other cheek". Love thy neighbor as thyself. No one said that Mormons had to agree with Same sex marriage or Gay rights. No one said the Gay & Lesbian Community should agree with what the LDS church believes. But believing in God or not, loving each other IS the answer.

Accepting and loving each other go hand in hand. I dont agree with people that smoke, yet i dont walk around taking their cigarettes and burning them against their foreheads yelling "CANCER STICK" (even though times it IS tempting!). This will bring me to the final point. We need to accept one another. The LDS church is NOT going to change its stance on Gay Marriage or Rights. The Gay and Lesbian Community is not going to just disappear. So at some point, we are either going to have to get along and accept and love each other as PEOPLE. Or we can keep seeing what happened to these beautiful 3 young men happen over and over. I vote to love and accept each other.

How do you vote?

Facts Vs Fiction.

2010-10-04T21:16:00.000-07:00

For the last 30 min i have been almost in tears about this, and finally decided it was time to do what i do best. Let it out. First of all let me say I will be doing another blog when i have the full information in front of me. And i will be posting links where to get the info.

It has come to my attention that there are those people i know that seem to think the LDS church is apparently insensitive among other things. There is word of a talk by the President of the 12 Elder Boyd K Packer, making some comments that have angered the Gay & Lesbian Community. First and foremost i will say this. Do not tell me what he said SHOW me. After listening to what he said and getting halfway and getting more frustrated that people even of my religion would say he was insensitive and unloving i couldn't finish listening. Once i am able to read the words he said is when i will be doing another blog. But let me reassure you, if you dont like what im saying here, you might not want to read that one.

I am in a crying shaking fit. This man i have shook hands with, i have seen the LOVE in his eyes. I have felt the love in his voice. For someone on a site to say the following statement shakes me to my core.

“When a faith leader tells gay people that they are a mistake because God would never have made them that way and they don’t deserve love, it sends a very powerful message that violence and/or discrimination against LGBT people is acceptable. It also emotionally devastates those who are LGBT or may be struggling with their sexual orientation or gender identify. His words were not only inaccurate, they were also dangerous.” ( italic part used by me )

First off, he didn't say that. Of all things i would remember it would be that! And the next person that tells me he implied it might just get on that last nerve. EVERYONE EVERDAY IMPLIES! Unless someone in my religion comes right out and says this word for word, then whatever word he uses will be taken differently by everyone. At that point i will then stop defending the religion i know is true now more then ever. I have had many moments in the last year or so that prove to me it is. I understand that because the LDS church doesn't support Gay rights & Marriage that we will always be looked down upon by these groups. The same happened for any organization that looks down upon something. I am fine with those that think this about me and or my religion. But what i am not fine with is accusing someone i sustain and support with my whole heart of something he never SAID. I am deeply sorry if this offends anyone. TO BE CONTUIUED

Bulling of all kinds breaks my heart.

2010-10-01T11:21:00.000-07:00

I have sat and remained quiet about this long enough. I had the choice today to verbally attack someone or do a blog. I choose the blog lol.

It has come to my attention that bulling in America is growing. In its many forms it is becoming as Ellen said " a crisis ". Furthermore, the one we hear about most is gay & lesbian bulling. I do not plan to spend to much time on this aspect alone, but i will confront it a bit. First and foremost, it has GOT to stop. There are kids as young as 12 years old committing suicide because they are bullied so bad. This does NOT make them EMO like someone today has stated, it makes them human. These poor kids are slowly dying so much inside that they lose the motivation to keep going. They are hiding who they are because they are so afraid to interrupt their "perfect" family life that day by day they slowly get weaker. At what point did we as Americans become so cold hearted? Did i miss the transformation? It is appaling that people honestly dont care about this. Or if they do they are so ashamed what their friends will think of them if they make a stand. Well, I am not. IF i lose friends over this posting so be it. " Be who you are, those that matter dont mind. Those that mind dont matter"

First off here is a little background. I grew up in Michigan in a small town where i was one of the few Mormon kids. From 6th-8th grade i was abused verbally and physically by kids at my school daily. Why? Well it shouldn't be a shock to any of my friends im overweight, not like i can hide it lol. I was called fatso, cow, and many other absurd things. I was told i was a lesbian because i tried so hard to get all the girls to be my friend. I was pushed down flights of stares, cornered and poked and kicked. Most of all i ate alone at lunch daily. I had no friends. This went through to High School. Luckily it kinda tapered off a Lil bit. But not enough that it stopped. I was still called fat, ugly, and other things. Now why do i share this? Because i can relate to these kids. Wither they are being bullied cuz they are gay or straight, white or black, nerd or jock it must stop. We cant as Americans sit back and let it happen. We must band together and make a stand. How you ask?

A few months ago it was brought to my attention that i made a lot of gay jokes, i had heard these jokes from people that were gay. I figured it did no harm until recently. I am was a bully, sure i wasnt saying them jokes to hurt anyone but i still laughed. As i look back it saddens me that i was exactly what i am complaining about at one time. I didnt accept people that were gay or nerds, or anything all the time. In fact at one time the Gay environment made me REALLY uncomfortable. I didnt like that it did, so i did the one thing that would change that. I educated myself about it. Now i am open minded to it. I can be around them, i can love them, and i WILL defend them. Being gay or lesbian is not a disease it is a lifestyle just like being Mormon, Catholic, or a Sport freak. These people feel just as strongly about what they believe in as any of those others do. But yet, do we see people getting killed anymore because they are Mormon or Catholic? No. Because we have accepted that it wont change them. As we need to do with the Gay and Lesbian community.

In ending, im not asking anyone that reads this to all of a sudden be for Gay rights. Im not asking everyone to lobby up and go hit the pavement. Im simply asking everyone to watch what you say, you might be that person that thinks their words are harmless. However you also might be that persons final blow. Just think about it.

Feb 2010 Update

2010-02-09T19:20:00.000-08:00

Once a month is all im going to be able to do for a while. You will see why as you read this blog!

First and foremost, yes i am alive, i am well. Ok well right now im sick from the lame utah dirty air. BUT, im functioning. I have been busy as a bee, Taking 14 credit hours for me is like taking 20 for the normal person. I am learning a lot, writing a lot, and whining a lot lol. Basically school life is insane but informative, and has taught me a lot already. Im adoring my Marriage and family relation class. My teacher is super insightful, and allows us to create our own opinions of life, thus helping us see weakness that we may have that would effect a marriage. It also allows me to see what a great person i am. Despite what my ex's might say, or other people that truly dont know me, or are just as messed up in the head lol. I have been working on a lot of things in my life recently. Mainly, my church dedication. Im so grateful for a loving father in heaven who understands my heart, and blesses me in ways he sees fit. Im receiving blessings i asked for months if not years ago. And i brings tears to my eyes how that works.

I also have been spending some time looking for a better job. As of now Best Buy is doing my drug testing, and background check. I hope to hear from them soon. Its nine dollars a hour, with 15 hours a week at least. Im hoping to get more. The best part of this is that i wont have to take 2 bus's just to get to work. One bus, and tracks. Not bad at all! Im excited. I also applied with Convergous to do their census work for 3 months. 14 a hour......that will start after school is out so im hoping to pick that up full time and do best buy part time, and make some decent money to toss into savings.

My friend Nicole and I are planning a trip to england in 2011. Im SOOOOOOOOO excited. I havent traveled ever really. I have a feeling after this trip i will have a travel bug!

Well that is all that is really going on. Ok not all, but all that i am going to mention so i dont taboo anything ;)

Couldn't Sleep

2010-01-10T03:19:00.000-08:00

Sleep was not happening so i thought maybe my mind needed to release some stuff. As of the last post I have basically removed ALL drama people from my life. ANYONE who brought drama at all to my life, or let other friends do so was removed. I must say my spirits have been higher than ever. I have had a easier time choosing what is right. I have felt closer to the things i know i must do. It IS true, light can not dwell where darkness is!

School starts Tuesday. Im pretty excited. I really cant wait to get my 2 years done. I plan on leaving Utah as soon as it is. Where? who knows. But out of Utah!

Some may know i have talking to a lad in england. The time difference is killing me. We hardly get to speak, but im happy. He enriches my life. It will be interesting to see where this goes. I feel like im in the movie August Rush or Across the universe...more so that one lol no kid. MMMMMM the thought of his voice. HEAVEN ON EARTH!

True Love. Imperfections. And random rant.

2010-01-05T22:31:00.000-08:00

True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well being of one’s companion ~ Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley ~

After finding this quote my friend had on facebook i thought a lot about love. Love in a marriage, love in a family, love in God, love in the church, love in YOURSELF. It all applies. It has recently come to my attention through almost deciding to cut ties with one of my closest friends that i have many "issues" and many of them issues stem from not loving myself. Let me explain how i feel this quote applies to this.

"anxious concern for the well being of one's companion". Sure President Hinckley was speaking of a marriage love, but i believe this can apply to being concerned for our own inner companion. The Holy Ghost. It is something that i know i personally dont have "anxious concern of well being" for. Something that i hope to change. No, something I WILL change. I honestly believe that if we "provided for" our spirit more and for our bodies less that our individual lives would be happier, more carefree, and less drama. Bringing me to my final thought for the night.

As i realized that i wasn't anxiously concerned for the well being of my companion the Holy Ghost i saw many of my imperfections once again come into the light. And my "ah ha" radar went CRAZY! If i'm not taking care of my spirit how can i expect God to help me perfect my imperfections, thus making me happy? And if im not happy, how can i expect to make smart choices in my life that will lead me to exaltation. Therefore, if i'm not on a path to exaltation, why am i even alive?! HOLY AH HA BATMAN! It is 100% true that EVERY aspect of this church is linked together. Like i explained to a dear friend last night. If you believe in one part of the church, you believe in it all. For example, i have a lack of testimony of Joseph Smith and the Book Of Mormon. Not that i don't believe it. I just don't have a strong testimony of it. Although, i 100% believe in the family unit of the church, the proclamation to the family, the after life. So, if i believe in that i believe in God, if i believe in God i believe he spoke to Joseph Smith, and helped him translate the Book of Mormon. Thus, strengthening my testimony i didn't know was already solid.

I'm thankful for this mighty change in me. I'm thankful for a new year, new beginnings. I'm thankful for friends, real friends that put up with my drama. And forgive me for the dumb things i do. I'm thankful for the gospel in my life, and how it makes me automatic "sistas" with people i'm growing to love in my life. I am blessed.....truly blessed.

Devine Intervention

2010-01-05T01:53:00.000-08:00

Today i am thankful for prayers being answered. It amazes me how the Lord really works. How he can take two people, even million miles apart and answer both their prayers. He honestly does know whats personally best for us, and at what time it is best. Sometimes we think we know what is best for us. But i promise, he knows what is better! And that makes me extremely happy! :D

2010-01-03T21:12:00.000-08:00

This is honestly my 2010 theme. I'm so sick of "friends" and others adding drama to my life. I have a hard enough time as a woman with the drama i personally create than to let others bring some with them. SAY NO TO DRAMA! The biggest issue is with Communication, not just men have this issue. People in general do not know how to communicate. They have the foot in the mouth disease. Think before you talk people! Given I'm just as guilty, but at least i catch on after a few seconds! And is it just me or do men not know how to communicate? The biggest thing i notice is they feel if they just ignore you, or if they just shrug things off that we will "get the hint". How about they just man up and grow a pair? Tell us how the heck you feel! Sure it might hurt, but it sure is heck of a lot easier on us than making us GUESS! You cant read our mind, so we cant read yours right? Alas, i love them. In spite of all the broken promises I've had from more than a few, i love men. And one day i will find the one that i will love more than anything, even if i might get frustrated with him daily lol. Venting over!

Live. Laugh. Love.

2010-01-01T01:49:00.000-08:00

As a new year for me begins, i look back on this last year. There were many changes, heartbreaks, and struggles. For a short time i was saddened by these things. However, as i sat and thought more about them i realized what a blessing they were. I know with all my heart that who i am right this min is because of who i choose to be in the past. These things in this past year have impacted my greatly, good or bad. Therefore forgetting about them or wishing they were different just removes the reason i was sent here to earth.

There are many of my friends i look up to. As i write this blog there is one person who stands out in my mind. He is so positive, strong, diligent, humble, dedicated to whats right, and just a all around great person. I value him as a friend greatly, because there are many updates of his life that inspire me. He has a profound view of the "whole picture" of life. And i know without a doubt he was placed in my life this year to possibly "help me make it through". For this i am grateful.

For those that i don't talk to on a weekly bases that have NO idea what is going on in my life heres a update. Last Aug i started school again at a community college here in Utah. Something i have postponed far to long. What a experience that was! I switched from major to major not knowing what i wanted to do. I ended up taking a communications class that i really don't need now because of the switch of majors. I learned more about myself in this single class than i have in all the years alive! I'm grateful for that.

I'm also currently waitressing at a sports bar here in Utah. I love my job to death, the pay could be better though lol. I love meeting new people, having interesting short conversations, and the feeling i get when they ask to sit in my area whenever they come back. It just proves the direct impact you can have on someones life.

In conclusion for this blog, i would like to share one simple thought. It is my honest opinion that if we as humans Lived our lives with laughter and love the world would be a better place. Far to many times even in my own life i notice i take things much to serious. It is fairly easy to fall into this vicious cycle we call "real life" that we forget to live, laugh, and love. It is my hope that in this new 2010 year that i can Live more, Laugh often, and Love always.

Much Love
TK

Its a road less traveled for sure!

2009-04-03T00:39:00.001-07:00

Life was so much easier when i was 18. My biggest worry was what boy in school i was going to crush on. Now, life is just so much more advanced. So much more complex, confusing, in depth, liberal, and all together annoying sometimes. In the last month i have had to re-evaluate my life. What do i want? Where am i going? What kinda people do i want to take with me? How close am i to my savior? Do i better who i am everyday? Am i the only saint who seems to yo-yo with what i want? Why do i always fall head over feet for the men that are just not "into" me? Why is it so terribly hard for me to find someone to love and that loves me; but people who don't want love have a pile of applications? All of these questions have influenced my mind more then once lately. I wish i had the answers, but i wonder if anyone really does.

Its not that I'm ready to get a ring on my finger, but I'm ready to date decent men. I'm ready to show the world who i am! In light of conference weekend, i have decided to be selfish, and beg and plead with my Heavenly Father for the answers to questions that baffle my mind. I do have faith it can be answered. I know he will answer. But I'm terrified of what the answers might be. I do know where i want to be. I do see the things in my past that are STILL holding me back. I ask myself why i let them. Is it because I'm afraid of who i could be without them? Am i truly afraid of my own strength?

All i know is this. The first 2 weeks of my "change" were so different. I was so happy. I know it was because i was reading my scriptures. I was praying. I was doing things to be closer to my Savior. Why is it that we as humans crave for that feeling. That peace. But when we find it, we run away. I'm starting to believe that it is true that as human beings we truly are afraid of what we can become, not what we are. This quote is one that i have loved for years. It always seems to be there when i need it. I will end this blog entry with this quote. Think about it. ;)

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

*Our Deepest Fear: by Marianne Williamson
from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracle*
(This quote is often found on the Internet incorrectly credited to Nelson Mandela from his Inauguration Speech, 1994, especially the last sentence of that quote, “As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”)

New Moon Countdown Official

2009-03-22T23:13:00.001-07:00

Read Along With TK!

2009-03-07T11:38:00.000-08:00

Sorry lack of posting late at night lol. Since i have started this latest endeavor I'm continually amazed with how the Lord is working with me. I have yet to mark at least a verse in each section of the Doctrine And Covenants. And now I'm on section 10. The Lord truly does answer prayers, gives blessings, and supports us in the things we stand in need of. He builds our faith by the small simple things in life. I'm so grateful for this transformation in my life. I'm so grateful for the peace and understanding of who i am that it has brought me. I see myself getting stronger and stronger daily. What was once something i never did cuz i felt i "had" to, now is something i long for in the morning and before bed. I have no nightmares since i have been reading and praying at night. And i have been less stressed before bed.

I did a experiment last night. I didn't read before bed, but i did do some highlighting while i watched a movie with my roommate. I tossed and turned for hours. I didn't end up finally getting tired enough to sleep till about 4 am. Last night was the only night since i have done this change that that has happened. Usually i'm out by 2 at the latest. I bare witness that the scriptures and prayer are very importatnt to our happiness and health. I thank my Lord and Savior for this amazing revelation. Without it, im sure my life would not be the same.

March Ward Board

2009-03-06T15:13:00.000-08:00

For those that have read blogs before this you know i recived a calling. And it is in communications, i decorate the ward board. Here are pictures for the layout of this months theme.

Read Along With TK!

2009-03-06T00:28:00.000-08:00

I have noticed that many of my freinds might be a lil like me. Its hard to feel like you are doing something all alone. Thus, i have come up with a idea.

A Read-Along. We read the same area of scripture. Then we discuss it. I can add you to a MSN conversation. And we can go hog wild. If your in, just leave a comment. And then we can set up a time which might work best.

For tonight i decided to start raading D&C. Before i read i prayed that i would find something that i could apply to my life. Something that i could learn from and grow from. It amazed me that the first 3 sections of the Doctorine And Covidents are stronly about repentance, and how we should turn to God. And how we should fear God more then man. I love simple answers to prayers like this. It helps make my faith in this church grow stronger!

Here we go again!

2009-03-05T00:39:00.000-08:00

As many of you know i have been semi-active in church for years now. I go and come, come and go. I never seemed to get my feet totally wet with the gospel. I was good at giving others advice, but couldn't give myself any. This last Sunday i had a VERY moving moment. It seemed to make this change i have made in my life so much easier to handle.

On Sunday i expected it to be any other day, roommate would drag me to church, i would feel warm, i would come home and go on with life. God had a hidden agenda for me hahahha. It started out the usual. Relief Society was good. Nothing where it touched me really but it was good. In Sunday school someone made a comment about strength in numbers. Using this analogy. Satan and us as saints are playing tug of war. He is selfish and wants the glory for him so he is pulling alone. Because he was with us in the war in heaven, he knows us just as well as Christ and God do. So there is no way we can take him out ourselves. We need Friends, family, church members to help us, to be on our "team".

That comment totally hit home, and i was mearly just warmed up for what was going to happen in sacrament meeting. I haven't taken the sacrament in year or so, because i knew i wasn't worthy. I knew i was doing things in my life that were not condusive to the spirit of Christ. I had decided that i wanted to take it this time, but that i would let the spirit tell me what i should do. As the bread came to me...i realized there was one piece left. Sure i could take it and he would walk up and get more. But i felt very strong that i shouldn't. So i let my roommate have it. The brother that was passing it asked if i wanted one...and i just said no thank you. As tears just started streaming. I knew i wasn't worthy, i knew i wanted to be. And for the VERY first time in my life i felt what it should feel like during partaking of the sacrament. I literly could see Christ himself bleeding for ME, taking upon my pain, hurt, anguish, tears, everything. I literly could see him dieing for me....being nailed to that cross, for ME.

It felt like 30 min of passing of water...honestly there were freakishly girl crys coming from me. Noises i am sure only dogs could hear. I wanted out. I wanted to hide. I felt as i would feel before the feet of my God, and it scared me. As soon as it was over i bolted to the bathroom and just sobbed. I thought i had cried EVERY SINGLE tear out of me. I went and stood by the chapel door waiting for the counselor to finish his testimony so i could go sit down. As i walked in i somehow ended up in a chair close to the pulpit. I noticed this to late...as it was my turn to go. I got up there. And all i remember is baring witness of the atonement. The rest was a blur to me now. All i know is that after church a sweet girl said to me " The spirit was here before you bore witness, but the min you started talking it got a million times stronger."

I have been called sweet, charming, a flirt, friendly, loving, and many other things. But that was the most amazing compliment anyone could give me. I then made a appointment to meet with the bishop. I was scared to death. But i met with him on Tuesday, expecting the worst. I walked in there not taking the sacrament, and feeling like the worst Mormon EVER. I walked out feeling love, peace, understanding, comfort. I walked out with the mutual set goal between God and myself to receive my endowments out in June or July. I walked out with a calling that i am VERY excited about. And the best part....I walked out feeling love for who i am, a BEAUTIFUL daughter of God, a princess.

I would like to thank all my friends who have never lost faith in me. For my family who is always there to support me. I love this church. I love the peace. I love the freedom. I love God and my Savior Jesus Christ.

The end.

How to touch a girl

2009-02-19T05:36:00.000-08:00

INSTRUCTIONS
1. Put your iPod or other music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the NEXT button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!...NO CHEATING!!!
4. Tag friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got this from.

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY: ** pour some sugar on me ** Queen

2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY: **Would you go with me ** Josh Turner

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?: **Johnny & June** Heidi Newfeild

4. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?: **Stay With Me ** Josh Gracin

5. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?: **Fishin In The Dark** Emerson Drive

6. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU: **Dem Jeans** Chingy ( ohhhhh snapple!)

7. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN?: **Bleeding Love ** Leona Lewis ( NICE!)

8. WHAT IS 2+2?: **Time Of My Life** David Cook

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?: **Fergalicious** Fergie

10. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?: **Sober** Kelly Clarkson ( hahhahha listen to song, not what you think)

11. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?: **Sugar On My Tongue** Trick Daddy

12. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?: **Beautiful Broken** Ashley Simpson ( VERY nice)

13. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?: **I want candy** Bow Wow Wow

14. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING: **I wanna love you** Akon Snoop Dogg (how stinking cute!)

15. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL: **Dangerous Man** Trace Adkins

16. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST: **Single Ladies** Beyonce (ahahhaha errrrrrrrr)

17. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?: **Chicken Fried** Zac Brown

18. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?: **Somebody like you**Keith Urbanl

20. HOW WILL YOU DIE?: **Beautiful Girls** Sean Kingston ( lol wow)

21. WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?: **Make love in this club** Usher (lol hardly!)

22. WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?: **Everytime I hear your name** Keith Anderson (hahahah)

23. WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?: **Bubbly** Colbie Caillat (pershish)

24. WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?: **Sexy Can I** Ray J

25. WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?: **Firecracker** Josh Turner ( true story!!!!)

26. DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?: **Love Song** Sara Bareilles

27. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?: **Crazy In Love** Beyonce ( NO JOKE!!!!!!!!)

28. WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?: **Low** Flo-rida (lol!)

29. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?: **How to touch a girl**JoJo ( oh god hell! )

Draper Temple Open House Jan 2009

2009-01-29T19:57:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, my life has been in and out of the church for years now. I never really could stay, but i never really could leave. Off and on i would have these random transforming moments where i felt so close to my heavenly father. So close to the woman he created. So close to where i want to be in my life. And then life would go on, and i would again sin and transgress and id feel lost. But before to long id always be back.

Recently, i was blessed with the chance to get my heart back and closure to my last relationship. I ended things for good on positive terms with Steve. But i wasn't feeling complete yet, i wasn't feeling like everything was "good". It really confused me. And i knew it was pretty much cuz i was living life without my source of true happiness. I was moving, but without a destination. I really had no idea what to do to change this other then the 3 standard things in the church.

Today i was given the chance to attend the open house for the Draper Utah Temple. Many years ago i was sealed to my family in the Chicago temple. So i figured it wouldn't really hit home for me. I had been in the Sealing room before. What i didnt expect was the Celestial room......nor did i expect to remember the peace, happiness, and every other darn emotion i felt YEARS ago. But it happened.

As i entered the Celestial room.....I was SO overcome with peace, understanding, and knowledge of my maker, and his true and faithful love in me. I really thought id feel out of place. That the temple might combust or something cuz of my presence lol. But it didn't (good thing huh?). And i felt different. The only way i can describe it...is that feeling you feel when you have been away from home for so long......that when you enter the home....life just makes sense. Something in me felt complete again. I felt more complete then i have in years.

Many of you will be shocked with the following info.....but i hope you all know i mean it.

I KNOW now....more then ever, that this church IS true. It IS happiness. It is the only saving grace we have in this crazy sometimes depressing world. I love my family sooooooo much, and I'm SO grateful that i get them for forever. I love my friends. I love my roommate. I love my Savior, because without him.....i would be lost. Without him, i wouldn't know true love. I'm so grateful for the plan of happiness, that is SO cut and dry for us. I'm eternally thankful for the process of repentance. I cant even describe how happy i feel knowing that the feeling i felt tonight can be with me EVERY day. That no matter if I'm scared of my bishop (i am) or not. That he is my judge in Israel, and i need to trust him and sustain him. That includes letting him make me whole again. ( is this where i say amen?, is that allowed on blogging?) lol

I'm thankful for my Bestie #1 (Ash that's you) for the countless hours spent listening to me cry and whine and everything else about how i wasn't happy. I'm thankful for her non-judging honest friendship. I'm thankful she is my other half of the brain, my sista from a different mista. I'm thankful for her faith, love, dedication, and understanding she has shown me. You are SO strong girl, i hope you know that. I hope you know what a example you are to me. I loveth you more then i can even express.

Im thankful for my roommate Bek. Man if there is any girl in the world that I'm 100% different from its her. But yet i think of her as my sister. You give me hope hun, you make me feel like life is good. Thanks for ALL you do.

I'm thankful for my Bestie #2 (this is you J) for having faith in me, trusting me, loving me, and listening. You are stronger then you think, hotter then you know, and sweeter then you lead us to believe. lol. I loveth you so much!

I love this church, i love the spirit, i love my Savior, i love my friends, i love my family, i love myself. And THAT in and of itself is truly a maricle!

The End.

P.s. here are some pictures from the temple.

JAMES FORD I LOVETH YOU MUCHTH!

2009-01-28T02:49:00.000-08:00

i truly think im in total love with this man!

Application to Date me

2009-01-27T08:33:00.001-08:00

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, criminal history, driving record, job history, and current health record/medical report from your physician.

Name:__________________________________________

Date of Birth: ____________________________________

Height: _____________ Weight: _____________________

IQ: ________ Social Security Number: ________________

Drivers License Number: ___________________________

Home Address: ___________________________________

Do you own a van? _________

A truck with oversized tires? ________

A waterbed? ________

A pick up with a mattress in the back? ______

Do you have an eyebrow, nose ring, or belly button ring? _______

A tattoo on your neck? ________

Do you have a mullet? ________

NOTE: If you answered yes to any of the last 7 questions, discontinue and leave premises.

How many times have you been married? _____________________

How many times have you been divorced? _______________________

Have you ever cheated on a girlfriend or wife? ______________________

When going on a date, who should pay? _________________________________

Have you ever been accused or convicted of stalking? ______________________

If I tell you to drop dead today will you continue to contact me? ______________

Do you know how to cook? __________________

What is your relationship like with your mother? _____________________
(you shouldn’t need ANY more space than that for this answer)

Do you own a dog? _______________

What is your definition of an alcoholic? ____________________________

Do you like kids?___________________

Do you have kids? ____________________

Do you pay child support? _______ How much? ___________

Have you ever been late on your child support payments? ________

How much baggage do you carry?___________

Are you able to fix my car?____________

Do you own a home?____________Have you ever been late on your mortgage?_________

What kind of vehicle do you drive? ___________

Do you have a car payment? __________ How much is it? ____________

Do you know the different between the dinner fork and the salad fork? __________

In 50 words or less what does “LATE” mean to you? ______________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does “STALKING” mean to you?__________________________________________________

In 50 words or less what does “GOING ON A DATE” mean to you?

Signature:____________________________________________

Your signature indicates that all answers are TRUE. If you are found falsifying answers and/or documents you will be sent hunting with Cheney.

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please DO NOT call or write during the processing time.

2 months!

2008-12-31T12:59:00.000-08:00

Man it has been over 2 months?! WHOOPS! Well lets see!

October was full of nothing really other then dating my now ex, November i found out i was going to be moving to Taylorsville in December...ya never doing moving in winter AGAIN! It was funny how once that feel into place things slowly just worked. I was living with a good friend and her hubby and baby....ya for most that would be weird...but since i have no family here...it really was like living with my sister. I wouldn't of in a million years thought it was going to be as hard as it was to leave. It truly was like losing my family again. During sometime in November i broke up the ex the first time, it hurt like nothing i had EVER felt before..not even hurting my knee...there was a missing spot. Thanksgiving was good...i spent it with my now roommate and her sister. They both have been friends of mine since i was 8. My roommate is only 3 days younger then me so we always had a funky bond together....tried the living with her thing before.....i think we were too young. I decided to do my own Christmas presents this year. I got myself the full Twilight Saga! LOVE IT! and some perfume.

On December 20th, i made the move from Layton to Taylorsville....it felt....different but good. 3 Days later my roommate left to Michigan for Christmas. I stayed behind. Needless to say i have basically finished the last book in the Twilight Saga lol. I then was stupid and reunited with my now again ex. It was a good move though...I quickly realized i had the closure i needed. There was no feeling of love, anger, nothing...i was empty to him. I decided what was best and cut off for good all the communication we had. The phrase "Love is blind." i know for a fact is true. During the times we wern't together i was happy and different. When with him i felt always on edge and like the life was being sucked out of me. Not a way i want to spend eternity. :)

Upon moving to Taylorsville i decided to apply to SLCC. Of course they even let the dumbest of idiots in so i knew id be safe. I was tossing the idea of a full load this semester...but realized that my eyes were bigger then my brain. I needed to get back into school slowly. So i will take a Water aerobics class. Just to get into the swing of things, and probably institute. I decided that Photography was going to end up being a hobby not a occupation...it just wouldn't provide for me when the going got tough. So i decided the medical field was the best option. My roommate told me about being a ultrasound tech. Basically i was sold. My goal is to work in a practice with pregnant women...showing a woman the fist glimpse of their bundle of joy will be the most gratifying thing ever for me. Sure there will be the moments ill have to inform the doctor i cant find the heartbeat and that will be the hardest moments of my life. But a good job to start.

There isn't much else going on other then that.....

I hope your holidays were happy!

AFRICKENMAZING!

2008-10-06T14:38:00.000-07:00

So not much has really happened in a week. Nothing HUGE. Nothing so important that you should read this post eagerly! But a couple things did take place.

1. I got my hair did. Put some red and light brown in it...and light brown under. I LOVE it!

2. I watched conference this weekend. It amazes me how every time there are so many that seem to be speaking right to me. I'm grateful for that. Not much is going on really. But life feels nice!

TTFN! Ta Ta For Now!

A Couple Days Late, A Couple Dollars Short!

2008-10-01T02:45:00.000-07:00

Hello, Hello!

Ya i slacked this week....But here's the update!

Not sure there's really tons to write about here...But there are kinda 2 changes in my life.

First, My mom called me the other night in tears...I guess things between her and dad are FINALLY improving. She's working on things...Hes working on things...I'm really hoping it works. I know they'd never divorce. But I just want my siblings to grow up in a happy home....That's all. We had a good chat...about how she has always tried so hard to want to work outside the home...but what shes really wanted was to just be a mom....For many years i have been upset with her over really stupid things. And now...its different...and its nice!

Second, Ive been talking to this great guy from Cali....don't read into that...we are just friends....ok we have admitted we liked each other. lol....that's all though. Anyways, hes this shy thing, really cute...amazing personality...and to top it off.....Strong in the gospel. Many times i have felt unworthy of him or his friendship. But hes constantly reminded me that i special and so on. I don't know if it was just timing...but hes helping me make some REAL changes in my life...I'm going to be transferring to a family ward for a few months....Just so i can get strong again without the dating drama. Than we will go from there.

There is also more news.....but im not 100% its true yet...so check back in a week or so to find out! :D

TTFN! Ta Ta For Now!

Monday September 22nd Update!

2008-09-22T13:45:00.000-07:00

Aloha!!!

Oh how i was i was in Hawaii where they say that!

Well, the job search continues. I think what I'm going to end up doing is going back to the bus job and working there till i get the post office job. I took the test for the post office on sat. Good lands...how stressful. I'm pretty sure i didn't pass...but who knows...miracles happen EVERY day! So until than ill just have a job that doesn't pay great and not a lot of hours...but its money right?!

Today i close my scentsy party order. Thanks to you of those that sacrificed your money in my behalf to order some amazing candles! I will be getting one 15 dollar item for free. And one half off item. So ill probably get another warmer for a cheap Christmas present for REAL good friends. And a lil bathroom plug in one for when i finally get my own place and stuff.....hahahahahhahahah shut up Lori! ( jk i love you)

Saturday was the first day i have drove in utah in like 2 years...FRICKEN scarey! no wonder utah drivers suck...its a fricken open book test to pass! i had so many idiots cutting me off....almost causing a accident in front of me. But I'm a lil wussy so i went like 5-10 under the speed limit the whole time lol....I feel like I'm fricken 16 again! But it feels good. Something about it makes me feel like a grown-up a lil more. Now once i get a decent job...get some school done..get a car...and get my bills paid off.....ill feel more like one.

For those of you wondering about me. Yep I'm alive...and I'm doing OK. Things are stressful...but its Gods way of proving he has a sense of humor and loves me dearly! Feel free to email me or call me anytime.

tk.1981@live.com

Funny Crap!

2008-09-18T14:01:00.000-07:00

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me.'
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't; there is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Im a big girl now!

2008-09-18T10:28:00.000-07:00

Yep, thats right im officially a big girl now! after not having my drivers license for 2 years i finally got it....It expired when i got to utah! NOW i just need a car!

SO not ready!

2008-09-16T07:58:00.000-07:00

so it has quickly come to my attention im sooooooooooo 1. not a morning person as i thought. 2. SO not ready to be a mommy....Lori asked me to watch rhett in the morning while she went to do her am run....somehow i forgot about this....and read the 3rd twilight book till about 3, than got a headache from so much reading and didnt fall asleep till around....530.....so i go in and he wakes up....at 6...finally falls back to sleep....ON TOP of me.....yes its cute...and if i hadnt had 30 min of sleep i might have loved it lol....So i gave up at about 630 and came and got on line......

To all you mommies! I commend you.....you are SAINTS!

T.A.G.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-15T19:07:00.000-07:00

I know not all of my friends will understand this....And im deeply sorry to admit this...*sighs* *blinks* *closes eyes*.....I have a addiction....and i dont think it will EVER go away...Everytime i breathe....or READ......it gets worse.....

Tricia, (that's me) is addicted to twilight.....*SOBS* i know...i know....I heard that there are many like me out there, and many that just dont know it yet.....So I have started a Group for us people living with this addiction!...T.A.G ( Twilight Addiction Group ).

Not just ANYONE can be in this group...and there is a test issued by me....one wrong answer...And you dont get to join. ONE bad word about anyone elses addiction....you are banned! To enter the group you must repeat the following!

"My name is (your name here), and i have been addicted to Twilight for ( number ) (years/months). The love of my life is ( Edward or Jacob ), and im a ( Vamp or Wolf ) girl." You then contact me for your pin! Yep its that simple....

I'll start! "My name is Tricia, and i have been addicted to Twilight for about 2 months. The love of my life is Edward (the best choice!), and im a Vamp girl."

In the meantime...here are some eye candy pictures of the actor who will play Edward in the movie!

BLAH FINE!

2008-09-15T18:53:00.000-07:00

After much whining *giggle* from a friend, i wont mention names right Nicole? ;) I have decided to start blogging. I wont do it much! And ill probably only post CRAZY IMMATURE things....but would you...my friends....expect anything different? Didn't think so! LET THE POSTING BEGIN!