♪ Sometimes love just isn't enough ♪ ....or is it?

"Do you have what it takes? If your marriage is in trouble, can you weather the storm? When the ground gives way and your world collapses, maybe you just need to have faith and trust that you can survive this together. Maybe you just need to hold on tight and no matter what, don't let go." *Gray's Anatomy*

"You think that true love is the only thing that can crush your heart; that will take your life and light it up or destroy it. Then you become a mother." *Gray's Anatomy*

Before hearing these two quotes I honestly was so sure that if i was there for someone enough that they couldn't help but love me. I honestly thought that if i TOLD them how special they were to me that they would feel the same. I honestly truly thought that exercising patience with someone who i *thought* liked me meant putting aside what i felt out of fear he might freak out. How mistaken i was in all these things.

You can only be there for someone if they allow you to get close enough so that they can learn to trust you. You can tell someone how important they are to you till you are blue in the face, but it is their personal choice to feel the same. And holding on to every feeling and thought out of fear will only do one thing; practically wound you in every way.

Just a few months ago i blogged about the fact that wanting love so bad might just be normal that we all feel it. I take that back. Craving love so much that you risk yourself for it is harmful. And i have lived my WHOLE life doing so. Furthermore, i dont know how not to love with who i am. I can't sit here and blame my childhood or my past for this fact. What i can do is take responsibility for it. Like an alcoholic does in AA. So i say.

"Hello, My name is Tricia and i am obsessed with the emotion of love. I am guilty of overdosing on dreams of finding the right one. I am 0 days sober and im not sure how to fix that. Sometimes i wonder if the button so many of my friends are equipped with was misplaced in me, given to someone else. Because for the life of me i do not know how not to love. I love every kind of person till they prove that love is unreal. And sometimes, yes sometimes i love anyways. It has got to the point where this emotion has such a control on me, that its all i speak of. I find myself daydreaming of a happy place and in some form love is there. And the simple thought that having my own child and something happening could crush me harder than true love could, well that my friends scares the hell out of me. So, my question is, how do i not love love?"

Patience Is A Virtue......or something like that

I am the least patient person in the world I think. I'm fairly sure I've been that way my whole life. And most of the time I don't care if i am or not. But recently I have discovered I might need to learn how to be to keep myself from going insane. I am one of them girls that wears her heart on her sleeve. I love fully, risking it all. Sometimes this is a good thing, but most of the time it is not. And usually what becomes of it is I mentally drive myself crazy trying to figure things out. I think and think and think until my brain is all over the place. What goes hand in hand with that? I doubt myself. I doubt my worth, my confidence, and my strength.

I realize that when I do that I am allowing Satan to take control. So I try so hard to just be positive. To pretend that I am okay. And most of the time i am. Most of the time I am 100% happy with where I am at right now. Most of the time i know I'm a great girl with amazing strengths. But there are those moments after something just doesnt go how i thought it would that i lose it all. I am well awear that people move at very different speeds in relationships. I am awear that most of the time the speed depends on a lot of variables. And Im totally ok with that. I guess the reason for this blog is 2 things.

1. Is it so bad that i just want a hint somehow if a guy is into me or if he is just "being nice"? I mean not all girls will go warp speed if we know a guy likes us. Especially if we know where he stands and how slow he is. I just want to know. Is it that bad?

2. Because i am the girl with her heart on her sleeve, that means im also the girl that doesnt give up. Until a man straight out says, I see you as just a freind and that wont change, i will do whatever i can to help him trust me. I can't change who i fall for. Am i dumb for holding onto the hope that he will fall too? Even knowing i might just get hurt in the long run? Even knowing he might not return the feeling ever?

*sigh*

Line Upon Line......

Hey, remember all them 45943 times i complained about my life? Yep, me also. Well its about time i realize something. The more i complain the worse it gets....Karma i tell you. Looking back on the last 7 years of my life i have mixed emotions. I laugh, i cry, i get annoyed, i get mad, but most of all im proud. Who would of thought that in 2011 i would be where i am. Sure to most im still that unsucsseful girl who has no idea what she is doing. But to myself, i am a girl who has done it on my own (with scattered help from my best of friends) who still has no idea what she is doing ha ha ha.

I have sat for years and prayed, fasted, begged, and pleaded with God to send me my husband, help me find a super great job, and to help me be able to see my family more. And when it didnt happen, i was mad i admit it. I was so mad that it took my life into a downward spiral. I am not getting any younger id tell myself. Im a loser, i have no real life. I hate my job id think quietly, and im sick and tired of being alone.

How on earth can i expect God to answer something i want when all i can see is the bad? How on earth can i expect blessings when im not even greatful for what i do have most the time? It ends here. (im sure ill complain again, just not as much lol)

You get what you put into life. So wouldnt you think the same goes for blessings? You get what you put into them. If i want to find a husband, i need to prepare as a wife. If i want to find a good job, i need to learn how to be a better worker. If i want to see my family, well im going to have to learn pacients thats for sure! lol

Years later things are falling into place. I have the Uhaul/van planned, i know what the time frame is that i will be exiting SLC, and i know where im going to be living. Is this an answer to a prayer? Not to the ones i was asking, but it is one. Its not a husband, job, or what i am familar with. But it is peaceful. For the first time in my life i am at peace for where i am. I love who i am, where im going, and who i was in the past. By loving that person i have learned to forgive myself for some of the hardest lessons ive ever had to learn. And i have learned to love others.

Life isnt measured in the breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away. If this is the case, my life is truly amazing for 2 real good reasons. I have family and friends that love me unconditionally. That will give all they can to make MY life easier to bare. Second, i have a loving Heavenly Father who hurts when i hurt, loves when i love, laughs when i laugh, and loves when even i cant love myself. All the rest i want? Honestly, who cares? Ive got what i need to make it till i get that too :)

L-O-V-E

Its that annoyingly happy word that can make or break your mood in mins. Its that word that for the bitter people makes us normal people look weak and out of control. Its that word that no matter who you are, you DO wish to hear it, feel it, and have it in your life. Then why is it, when we find it we run? Why is it when it is right there in our face being supportive, we ignore it? Why is it that the one feeling all humans look for in some fashion is so Katy Perry that we tend to just walk away from it?

Yes, this is once again that annoying topic that most of my friends think im obsessed with. Sue me. But here is my thought. Is it really obsession? Or is it simply a girl looking for something new? Looking for something to come home to? Looking for something to make all the monsters of life go away? I do not believe for one second that even the people that are "happy being single" are truly happy. I believe they have got so comfortable with who they are, where they are that they deal. It is a human reaction to want the feeling of love. I mean even Darth Vader wanted to feel it. Why else would he say "Luke, i am your father"? He was looking for accpectance. Love.

I think that the thing that floors me the most is people on the outside of a "relationship" giving advice when they are single and bitter. I recently came across this. Someone said to me "If he liked you, he would let you know by now. In some way he would tell you." Does this person not understand that not everyone loves the same way? Who am i to say this said man doesnt care about me? And why would i say that just because he isnt saying it in a way i know? Not everyone in the world moves at the same speed. So am i an idiot to even hang on to a tiny bit of hope that he will pick me? Am i an idiot to still care for someone who directly hasnt said he cared for me? Am i an idiot for being a hopeless romantic, knowing very well i could get my heart broken? Maybe so. But i ask you this one last question.

Would you rather be an idiot for love, or a bitter person having nothing to look forward to?

Me, im happy to be an idiot for love. It might hurt me more times then not. But i am 100% greatful for that hurt. Without that hurt i wouldnt be who i am. Without that hurt i wouldnt know what i know. And without that hurt i might never find that man that will finally make me cry tears of happiness.

Reality in dreams? Please Lord, i hope not this one.

Have you ever awoke from a dream that felt like it was real? Where you wake up in the same place, same position, same mood you were in in this dream?

Up till tonight i could of said no. Up until tonight i never had dreams that scared me so much....that i was shaking. Sure i had dreams of death, pain, and many other things. But never in my life have i had a dream that could of been real.

For those that know much about my life you know 2 things. 1. I give everything i have to a friendship/relationship until i feel i cant do anymore. 2. I wear my heart on my sleeve. What you see is what you get. I dont play games, i dont hide emotions. I am real. Sadly, sometimes this can be bad. And not because i get heartbroken. But because i can hurt others so easy. I can do things that come across like im a total brat and SO ungreatful. I can say things that are worded so wrong that i could end a friendship or much worse on the spot. The sad part about this.....I never realized this till tonight. Till i had this hell-like dream.

It started in the most beautiful way. I was on the beach with of course this guy who ive had strong feelings for but have kept them fairly hush. At the start of the dream we were just walking along talking, connecting, just being friends. Said guy is very much i dont want to say anti marriage. But just in a different place than i am in his head. So we are walking along and all of a sudden he points out this cool boat sailing along. So i look out and while im doing so he pulls out a ring and kneels behind me. I freak out of course becasue well ya hes my ideal. I say yes we end up getting married and everthing is good. Then there is 2 kids (twins im assuming) and im cooking and cleaning and doing life. He is always gone cuz he works ALL the time. And im at my breaking point. He comes home and suprises me and instead of me being so happy to see him i just close off and keep cleaning and stuff. He tries to get me to just relax and spend time as a family but im going going going. He then says something about how he knew this is what would happen when he got married that his job would be so demanding that there would be so much stress on his marriage that it would be over.

Me being the girl i am i freak out. I start shaking and i just go into our room and start packing up his bags. He walks into room carring one of the babies and asks me what the heck im doing. I just start yelling about how obviously he doesnt love me or want to be married to me so that he can just go live elsewhere till i can get all myself packed up and get out of HIS house. He tries to calm me down and sits the baby in the bassinett. He tries to hold me but i just start pushing away and trying to get away and i end up falling back onto the bed shaking.

This is when i wake up....in my bed...in that position...shaking....I instantly start crying. I realized tonight that i have many traits that my mother has. I love her with all i am but there are so many similarties. I am impatient, i get mad easy, i over analyze, over think, and jump to conclusions. Its my way or no way. THIS is why im not married. There are so many things i need to work on....and im so overwhelmed.....I feel like a total loser.

A-Z & 1,2,3: Random Update of EVERYTHING!

Well lets see, where to start?

In December as many of you know i had what i can only discribe as a "Might Change" of life. It wasn't just my heart. It was EVERYTHING! I instantly fell in love with the feeling of peace i had in my life again. Since then there was a tiny bump but after that bump i quickly realized how Satan was going to work me. He was no longer going through men to get to me first. He was using my girl"friends". I use the word friends there lightly. Because im realzing that some of the people i thought i could trust the most i really can't. That makes me really sad. But, during this period of time i learned one major thing. The people that matter most in my life will stick with me through anything! The ones that don't stick with me, truly dont matter. And its very easy for me to be rid of them now. I just dont have time for their drama.

As i grew stronger in the church, i grew close to some of the members of the ward. I grew even closer to my bishopric. I saw all of them as my Dads. About a month ago they redid all the student wards in the SLC and Davis Counties. They redid boundries. And i lost my bishopric. It was the hardest Sunday of my life. I don't think i have ever cried that hard. I felt lost again. And that scared me. Thankfully my Heavenly Father knew what i needed more. My new ward is amazing! We do some of the funnest things! The bishopric is awesome. Their wives are amazing! AND i have a new calling. I teach Gospel Doctrine. You'd think that this calling would be easy for me since im outgoing. Last Sunday was my first Sunday teaching. I think i was sweating the whole time!!!!! NO JOKE!!! I was sooooo afraid!!!!!! The last thing i wanted to do was teach something wrong. I hear it went well though. Still scary.

As of now, things are going really well in life. There are things i wish were going better. But for now this is good enough! Thank you to everyone that kept me sane during this time without my laptop! lol i almost died not blogging and stuff!

Instant Connections Can Become Instant Failures

So anyone that knows me know that i wear my heart on my sleeve. This is not only the case for men, but women also. The number of girls that i trust with my secrets i can count on one hand. I do not connect to women fast. So when it happens I'm pretty much all in. That means that when a guy starts causing drama and making the girl sad i want to be there for her. I guess i should just not care so much and try to make sure they know I'm there for them. Because what happens usually is when i see the warning flags from the outside and i inform them, i then become the bad guy. And more times out of not I lose the friend. How this works for some women i don't know. I take to heart anything a girlfriend tells me about a guy. And usually they are right.

I am SOOOOOO done trusting people so easy. This was the last straw. It broke the camels back. I don't have time to invest in someone who wont talk to me about stuff and mend things with a man while removing me from their life. As if that is going to destroy me?. What happens? I usually do the same, and i don't look back anymore.

On happy news lol! I got a job and i love it. My ward changed, and i love it! I moved in with a new/old roommate almost 2 months ago and you guessed it, i LOVE it! Oh and I'm officially addicted to twitter. AND the official twitter page for the Red Sox is following me! WOOOT! Yes I'm THAT excited about this! lol

Life is good. In the midst of trials look for the silver lining. There always is one :)