Life was so much easier when i was 18. My biggest worry was what boy in school i was going to crush on. Now, life is just so much more advanced. So much more complex, confusing, in depth, liberal, and all together annoying sometimes. In the last month i have had to re-evaluate my life. What do i want? Where am i going? What kinda people do i want to take with me? How close am i to my savior? Do i better who i am everyday? Am i the only saint who seems to yo-yo with what i want? Why do i always fall head over feet for the men that are just not "into" me? Why is it so terribly hard for me to find someone to love and that loves me; but people who don't want love have a pile of applications? All of these questions have influenced my mind more then once lately. I wish i had the answers, but i wonder if anyone really does.
Its not that I'm ready to get a ring on my finger, but I'm ready to date decent men. I'm ready to show the world who i am! In light of conference weekend, i have decided to be selfish, and beg and plead with my Heavenly Father for the answers to questions that baffle my mind. I do have faith it can be answered. I know he will answer. But I'm terrified of what the answers might be. I do know where i want to be. I do see the things in my past that are STILL holding me back. I ask myself why i let them. Is it because I'm afraid of who i could be without them? Am i truly afraid of my own strength?
All i know is this. The first 2 weeks of my "change" were so different. I was so happy. I know it was because i was reading my scriptures. I was praying. I was doing things to be closer to my Savior. Why is it that we as humans crave for that feeling. That peace. But when we find it, we run away. I'm starting to believe that it is true that as human beings we truly are afraid of what we can become, not what we are. This quote is one that i have loved for years. It always seems to be there when i need it. I will end this blog entry with this quote. Think about it. ;)
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
*Our Deepest Fear: by Marianne Williamson
from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracle*
(This quote is often found on the Internet incorrectly credited to Nelson Mandela from his Inauguration Speech, 1994, especially the last sentence of that quote, “As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”)