Sunday, April 17, 2011

My Girlfriend's Boyfriends

So today started with having a rare chance to witness exactly what i want in a marriage. I attended a friends baby shower, and in just a few moments i saw the undeniable love her husband has for her. It inspired me. While at the same time, it caused a spin of emotions today for me. I knew that there was a good chance i was totally PMS'ing so i decided it was early to bed for me. So i feel asleep around 930pm. I was awoke by a text, and from there my mind just went nuts. So in hopes to fall back to sleep i decided to check out netflix. I was scanning thought the instant movies and noticed the name of one that looked familiar. So i started watching it. About half way through i remember thinking "Hey i think my friend Ryan did this movie". Ironically enough......i didn't realize the irony that was about to unfold.

In this movie there were SO many moments that were similar to moments I've spent with Ryan. I wish i could say that this realization was happy, but it was not. It caused a rush of emotions and a long hot bath after to think. As i was drawing the water, i had this thought and put it in my iPhone notes. " There comes a time in life when what you think you want or even need is so important that it changes who you become. Both these men have done this for me. The future is unknown, but what i want is not. So now, the true question is...when the future will give me that." I have spent SO much energy trying to get what i want that i didn't think about what i need. I have spent so much time in the past few months trying to figure out if these boys liked me, that I've ignored what matters.

I know I'm a catch, i know that someday when the Lords time is right i will meet the man that makes me feel all of these amazing things these two man do/have. Gabe proved to me that good guys can care about someone who had been around the block so many time shes the lil dude on the mapquest map. Ryan has reminded me that conversation is the MOST important thing to me in any situation. If the conversation is natural then the relationship whatever it is, will be amazing. It makes me sad that i was so caught up in if he liked me, that i didn't see this till just now.

What do i want? A family, kids, drama, and everything that comes with that. What do i need? To trust God knows i want that and that it will happen on his watch, not mine. Therein lies the trick. I need to be more like a grasshopper, and less like a lion. I need to LET things happen, and stop trying to encourage them to happen. It never seems to work. Good things come to those who wait, better things come to those that endure. Enduring isn't just living with what happens, it is looking at what is happening and improving yourself.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Unanswered Prayers

For years i have vented, complained, and stressed about marriage, love, and relationships. If there is anything that i have learned in the last few months it is that the Lord knows us better than we know us. He loves us more than we love us at times. And he has more faith in us then most of the time we do ourselves.

Recently there have been 2 men in my life that have drastically changed it. Both of them have started in the same way. Boy is sweet. Girl falls for boy. The difference between them is major. The first one i did sooooo much work to make it known i cared, that i didn't allow him to care. I read into things, misread signs, and basically almost ruined something that i didn't know would happen. Friendship. He is the single most important person in my life right now next to God, and my best girlfriend and roomie. He knows me better than i know myself i believe. He respects me, is honest with me, and puts up with ALL of my imperfections. Falling for him so fast taught me MANY things i needed to learn. And in the end i still won. I have him as my Best Friend.

The second man, i can't even put into words what a wonderful person he is. He is everything i have in my Best Friend, but there is that spark. And i know without a doubt he feels it. As many of you know i am a VERY hard girl. What you see is what you get. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm honest, real, and direct. I don't play games, and i don't believe in "gender roles". I figure if i like a guy he should know, and usually he does lol. The trick i must learn is to as my roommate and BeSIStie said "Let him miss you." Because i don't believe in games i have a tendency to do ALL the work. And when the work gets to be to much, i also tend to freak out like a 2 year girl who's brother just tore off her Barbies head. At that point i close up. I get scared, emotional, and lose faith in who i am.

I had this discussion with my Roomie today. I said i somehow had to be able to wear my heart on my sleeve, but keep it from getting broken. Just like a cuff link, its gonna get scratched, and banged up a bit. Call me dumb, but i don't regret that. What i do regret is one single thing. Losing Trust.

When something doesn't go the way i expected, like deciding to not text for 2 days and hearing nothing from a boy. I tend to lose trust in God. Faith in his plan for me. I told my roommate tonight that i wish i just was hard....that i didn't care....that i wasn't sweet and loving. I expressed how if the signs i saw from him of interest weren't real then i sure as heck don't know what is. I was quickly losing trust, and faith in God.

As if he could pre-hear my prayers he answered a question i hadn't even asked. I watched a movie tonight about long distance relationships. I realized how because of my heart on my sleeve i couldn't handle one RIGHT NOW. I realized that just because God is saying "Not right now" to what i want more then anything, doesn't mean hes saying "No". There is a reason for everything in life. The good, bad, happy, sad, drama, and peace. Each emotion has a purpose. Each purpose brings us one step close to our end goal. Eternal Life. So my dear friends.....I am grateful for unanswered prayers all these years. And I'm grateful for the "Not right nows", they teach me to trust more.