So today started with having a rare chance to witness exactly what i want in a marriage. I attended a friends baby shower, and in just a few moments i saw the undeniable love her husband has for her. It inspired me. While at the same time, it caused a spin of emotions today for me. I knew that there was a good chance i was totally PMS'ing so i decided it was early to bed for me. So i feel asleep around 930pm. I was awoke by a text, and from there my mind just went nuts. So in hopes to fall back to sleep i decided to check out netflix. I was scanning thought the instant movies and noticed the name of one that looked familiar. So i started watching it. About half way through i remember thinking "Hey i think my friend Ryan did this movie". Ironically enough......i didn't realize the irony that was about to unfold.
In this movie there were SO many moments that were similar to moments I've spent with Ryan. I wish i could say that this realization was happy, but it was not. It caused a rush of emotions and a long hot bath after to think. As i was drawing the water, i had this thought and put it in my iPhone notes. " There comes a time in life when what you think you want or even need is so important that it changes who you become. Both these men have done this for me. The future is unknown, but what i want is not. So now, the true question is...when the future will give me that." I have spent SO much energy trying to get what i want that i didn't think about what i need. I have spent so much time in the past few months trying to figure out if these boys liked me, that I've ignored what matters.
I know I'm a catch, i know that someday when the Lords time is right i will meet the man that makes me feel all of these amazing things these two man do/have. Gabe proved to me that good guys can care about someone who had been around the block so many time shes the lil dude on the mapquest map. Ryan has reminded me that conversation is the MOST important thing to me in any situation. If the conversation is natural then the relationship whatever it is, will be amazing. It makes me sad that i was so caught up in if he liked me, that i didn't see this till just now.
What do i want? A family, kids, drama, and everything that comes with that. What do i need? To trust God knows i want that and that it will happen on his watch, not mine. Therein lies the trick. I need to be more like a grasshopper, and less like a lion. I need to LET things happen, and stop trying to encourage them to happen. It never seems to work. Good things come to those who wait, better things come to those that endure. Enduring isn't just living with what happens, it is looking at what is happening and improving yourself.