Monday, October 24, 2011


I have decided to retire this blog. It will remain open till i can go and print off the entries. If you would like to follow my new one let me know. It will be private and you will have to get approved.

Best Wishes

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Strength, Faith, Fear.

Dear World,

Please do not mistake my strength for fear and vice versa. There is a drastic difference between the two. I will explain this to you now. Fear is something that we allow ourselves to hang onto. It is something that we know is there and can feel it eating away our happiness, positivity, and sanity. Fear is something that when one gets comfortable with life they just let happen. It is something that many people use as an excuse. "This wont work because im so afraid of getting hurt", "I cant do this im to afraid" and the worst "Im so afraid of being alone." Fear is a bad 4 letter f word that so many use in their lives that the 5 letter F word can sometimes seem impossible. Faith. Faith trumps fear, it allows you to feel positive, happy, and keeps you sane. It is not something that can be forced upon you. It is something you have to allow in. You have to choose to feel it.

Faith is the icing on the cake called Strength. Strength is confused with fear all of the time. People say that the people who are afraid of some things are just to strong. This is not so. More often than not, Strength comes from having faith that things will be ok. When someone is afraid they usually are not being strong. They are letting things in that shouldnt be there. However, sometimes being afraid can lead to being strong.

In, conclusion it would be much easier on us dear world, if you would stop plastering the media with people who are afraid of things like commitment, love, and happiness that have this big MOMENT and end up with all 3. It causes men to just remind women like me that Hollywood is screwing up our lives! :)

Love, Me

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

A heartfelt thank you....

Within the last 2 months I have heard from more than one of my guy friends something like this..."Well i'm not getting younger, its time to start a family so i just decided to commit. She gets me. Its just hard for me to fall in love." This actually is starting to scare me. How many men out there honestly feel this is smart? How many think that a few years down the road when there are little lives involved that this will be easy for them? How many TRULY feel good about committing to someone in a marriage when you are not IN LOVE with them? This makes me sick to think men truly do this! And it sure as heck makes me more guarded now.

For all you men in my life that are REAL, HONEST, TRUSTWORTHY, LOVING, and KIND. Thank You. Many of you that are now my really good friends were once a crush, or a person i was dating. I am grateful for you men that were honest with me from the VERY start of our relationship that you didn't see yourself getting married, having kids, so on. It allowed me to trust you very early in the game. And that means that when im having a hard time it is you that will be the advice i take from. Not the men that are "doing what they should". To those men, you are idiots if you honestly think that down the road she wont figure it out. Women IF they use their minds more than heart are smart enough to tell when a man loves them or not. They are smart enough to tell when a man just "needs time" or when they are just going through the steps the world sees fit to call steps. And when that happens, i pray to heaven that you have not shared your seed and created life. That poor child deserves a 2 parent home of LOVE.

To all the women in the world who are honestly wondering "Does he love me?", ask him. And then ask him why he loves you. IF you don't feel like the answers are heartfelt or worth the possible pain that its a game for him then leave his butt now before you get hurt more. You deserve to be respected and loved. And if he cant do that, than HE is not worth your time.

Also, for all you man "friends" who keep insisting that if a man likes you he will ALWAYS make a move, bugger off. Just so you know not all men are game players, some truly truly are just not prepared to enter a commitment like marriage as fast as those that "feel its time".

That is all.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Move & More

Take a trip with me back to July of this year. I was sitting in the exhausting sun of our firework booth for work. I received a phone call from my family tossing out the idea of me moving down to Cedar City. At first i thought this was a joke. Did they not realize how my life was basically in SLC now? Did they not see what a huge and painful thing this would be for me to do? It came to my attention they were 100% serious. And at first i just shrugged it off and went on with my life. As the days went by there were things that just kept pointing to Cedar City. Things that i knew without a doubt weren't happening just by chance. So i did the unthinkable. I prayed about the move. I tried so hard to cloud my judgement and make it into a no. But the heavens had something else in mind for me. That next week was the week i learned how powerful prayer really was. I figured if i avoided asking and praying again i wouldn't get an answer. HA! What a joke! Instead i was "stalked" with the answer of yes. Finally after talking to some friends and my roommate about it, i saw the benefits. And they CLEARLY outweighed the cons. Sadly, i knew i was going to have to be strong, and keep my chin up. I knew this was going to be one of the hardest moves of my life. And boy was I right.

Once i decided to move things fell into place. I applied for a job at the start of OCT and got a call two days later that basically told me i had the job. Once that was set it was like Satan knew what joy my future would bring me by making this move. And he tried it all. There were a couple times where i just about quit. And the last 2 weeks were the worst. Thankfully with the help of friends i made it through and the issues were resolved. Day by day it became time to move. The morning of was no exception to the drama. I was walking down the stairs to get some things from the garage and slipped on a stair and re-hurt my ankle. Just enough to be totally 100% useless in loading and unloading. Then my family that came and got me ran into traffic and the u haul took longer to hook up here in Cedar then expected. I of course was freaking out because they didn't call to tell me they would be later. Finally the moment arrived of saying my goodbyes. My heart was being torn out. The night before i had to say a fast goodbye to my BMFF Gabe. So having to do it a second day was not pleasing to me. But i focused on the ending. Coming back to SLC, coming home.

As we drove that horribly boring drive i could feel parts of me slowly coming back. What i didn't know is countless people were praying for my peace of mind. Just another reason i'm so blessed with amazing friends. I cried a couple times. But the real tears happened when we pulled in to the apartment. Reality hit. This was my home for a couple years. Thankfully my Aunt got out of the car, locked it, and let me have my cry before we unpacked. Slowly its getting easier to function. But the drama is sure not stopping.

I realized something when i woke up from a horrible dream. My attitude about it being so bad is just fueling Satan's fire. It is giving him the power to control me. Sure this might not be my ideal life, but it is going to give me the chance to make my life better. He has encouraged me to be miserable just like he is. And he had me that way for days. I love my family, and i miss my friends. Those two facts can share the same brain without causing a waterfall of tears and guilt. So, here's to choking back the pain and getting over it!

Wish me luck!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

♪ Sometimes love just isn't enough ♪ ....or is it?

"Do you have what it takes? If your marriage is in trouble, can you weather the storm? When the ground gives way and your world collapses, maybe you just need to have faith and trust that you can survive this together. Maybe you just need to hold on tight and no matter what, don't let go." *Gray's Anatomy*

"You think that true love is the only thing that can crush your heart; that will take your life and light it up or destroy it. Then you become a mother." *Gray's Anatomy*

Before hearing these two quotes I honestly was so sure that if i was there for someone enough that they couldn't help but love me. I honestly thought that if i TOLD them how special they were to me that they would feel the same. I honestly truly thought that exercising patience with someone who i *thought* liked me meant putting aside what i felt out of fear he might freak out. How mistaken i was in all these things.

You can only be there for someone if they allow you to get close enough so that they can learn to trust you. You can tell someone how important they are to you till you are blue in the face, but it is their personal choice to feel the same. And holding on to every feeling and thought out of fear will only do one thing; practically wound you in every way.

Just a few months ago i blogged about the fact that wanting love so bad might just be normal that we all feel it. I take that back. Craving love so much that you risk yourself for it is harmful. And i have lived my WHOLE life doing so. Furthermore, i dont know how not to love with who i am. I can't sit here and blame my childhood or my past for this fact. What i can do is take responsibility for it. Like an alcoholic does in AA. So i say.

"Hello, My name is Tricia and i am obsessed with the emotion of love. I am guilty of overdosing on dreams of finding the right one. I am 0 days sober and im not sure how to fix that. Sometimes i wonder if the button so many of my friends are equipped with was misplaced in me, given to someone else. Because for the life of me i do not know how not to love. I love every kind of person till they prove that love is unreal. And sometimes, yes sometimes i love anyways. It has got to the point where this emotion has such a control on me, that its all i speak of. I find myself daydreaming of a happy place and in some form love is there. And the simple thought that having my own child and something happening could crush me harder than true love could, well that my friends scares the hell out of me. So, my question is, how do i not love love?"

Monday, September 5, 2011

Patience Is A Virtue......or something like that

I am the least patient person in the world I think. I'm fairly sure I've been that way my whole life. And most of the time I don't care if i am or not. But recently I have discovered I might need to learn how to be to keep myself from going insane. I am one of them girls that wears her heart on her sleeve. I love fully, risking it all. Sometimes this is a good thing, but most of the time it is not. And usually what becomes of it is I mentally drive myself crazy trying to figure things out. I think and think and think until my brain is all over the place. What goes hand in hand with that? I doubt myself. I doubt my worth, my confidence, and my strength.

I realize that when I do that I am allowing Satan to take control. So I try so hard to just be positive. To pretend that I am okay. And most of the time i am. Most of the time I am 100% happy with where I am at right now. Most of the time i know I'm a great girl with amazing strengths. But there are those moments after something just doesnt go how i thought it would that i lose it all. I am well awear that people move at very different speeds in relationships. I am awear that most of the time the speed depends on a lot of variables. And Im totally ok with that. I guess the reason for this blog is 2 things.

1. Is it so bad that i just want a hint somehow if a guy is into me or if he is just "being nice"? I mean not all girls will go warp speed if we know a guy likes us. Especially if we know where he stands and how slow he is. I just want to know. Is it that bad?

2. Because i am the girl with her heart on her sleeve, that means im also the girl that doesnt give up. Until a man straight out says, I see you as just a freind and that wont change, i will do whatever i can to help him trust me. I can't change who i fall for. Am i dumb for holding onto the hope that he will fall too? Even knowing i might just get hurt in the long run? Even knowing he might not return the feeling ever?


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Line Upon Line......

Hey, remember all them 45943 times i complained about my life? Yep, me also. Well its about time i realize something. The more i complain the worse it gets....Karma i tell you. Looking back on the last 7 years of my life i have mixed emotions. I laugh, i cry, i get annoyed, i get mad, but most of all im proud. Who would of thought that in 2011 i would be where i am. Sure to most im still that unsucsseful girl who has no idea what she is doing. But to myself, i am a girl who has done it on my own (with scattered help from my best of friends) who still has no idea what she is doing ha ha ha.

I have sat for years and prayed, fasted, begged, and pleaded with God to send me my husband, help me find a super great job, and to help me be able to see my family more. And when it didnt happen, i was mad i admit it. I was so mad that it took my life into a downward spiral. I am not getting any younger id tell myself. Im a loser, i have no real life. I hate my job id think quietly, and im sick and tired of being alone.

How on earth can i expect God to answer something i want when all i can see is the bad? How on earth can i expect blessings when im not even greatful for what i do have most the time? It ends here. (im sure ill complain again, just not as much lol)

You get what you put into life. So wouldnt you think the same goes for blessings? You get what you put into them. If i want to find a husband, i need to prepare as a wife. If i want to find a good job, i need to learn how to be a better worker. If i want to see my family, well im going to have to learn pacients thats for sure! lol

Years later things are falling into place. I have the Uhaul/van planned, i know what the time frame is that i will be exiting SLC, and i know where im going to be living. Is this an answer to a prayer? Not to the ones i was asking, but it is one. Its not a husband, job, or what i am familar with. But it is peaceful. For the first time in my life i am at peace for where i am. I love who i am, where im going, and who i was in the past. By loving that person i have learned to forgive myself for some of the hardest lessons ive ever had to learn. And i have learned to love others.

Life isnt measured in the breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away. If this is the case, my life is truly amazing for 2 real good reasons. I have family and friends that love me unconditionally. That will give all they can to make MY life easier to bare. Second, i have a loving Heavenly Father who hurts when i hurt, loves when i love, laughs when i laugh, and loves when even i cant love myself. All the rest i want? Honestly, who cares? Ive got what i need to make it till i get that too :)

Saturday, August 6, 2011


Its that annoyingly happy word that can make or break your mood in mins. Its that word that for the bitter people makes us normal people look weak and out of control. Its that word that no matter who you are, you DO wish to hear it, feel it, and have it in your life. Then why is it, when we find it we run? Why is it when it is right there in our face being supportive, we ignore it? Why is it that the one feeling all humans look for in some fashion is so Katy Perry that we tend to just walk away from it?

Yes, this is once again that annoying topic that most of my friends think im obsessed with. Sue me. But here is my thought. Is it really obsession? Or is it simply a girl looking for something new? Looking for something to come home to? Looking for something to make all the monsters of life go away? I do not believe for one second that even the people that are "happy being single" are truly happy. I believe they have got so comfortable with who they are, where they are that they deal. It is a human reaction to want the feeling of love. I mean even Darth Vader wanted to feel it. Why else would he say "Luke, i am your father"? He was looking for accpectance. Love.

I think that the thing that floors me the most is people on the outside of a "relationship" giving advice when they are single and bitter. I recently came across this. Someone said to me "If he liked you, he would let you know by now. In some way he would tell you." Does this person not understand that not everyone loves the same way? Who am i to say this said man doesnt care about me? And why would i say that just because he isnt saying it in a way i know? Not everyone in the world moves at the same speed. So am i an idiot to even hang on to a tiny bit of hope that he will pick me? Am i an idiot to still care for someone who directly hasnt said he cared for me? Am i an idiot for being a hopeless romantic, knowing very well i could get my heart broken? Maybe so. But i ask you this one last question.

Would you rather be an idiot for love, or a bitter person having nothing to look forward to?

Me, im happy to be an idiot for love. It might hurt me more times then not. But i am 100% greatful for that hurt. Without that hurt i wouldnt be who i am. Without that hurt i wouldnt know what i know. And without that hurt i might never find that man that will finally make me cry tears of happiness.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Reality in dreams? Please Lord, i hope not this one.

Have you ever awoke from a dream that felt like it was real? Where you wake up in the same place, same position, same mood you were in in this dream?

Up till tonight i could of said no. Up until tonight i never had dreams that scared me so much....that i was shaking. Sure i had dreams of death, pain, and many other things. But never in my life have i had a dream that could of been real.

For those that know much about my life you know 2 things. 1. I give everything i have to a friendship/relationship until i feel i cant do anymore. 2. I wear my heart on my sleeve. What you see is what you get. I dont play games, i dont hide emotions. I am real. Sadly, sometimes this can be bad. And not because i get heartbroken. But because i can hurt others so easy. I can do things that come across like im a total brat and SO ungreatful. I can say things that are worded so wrong that i could end a friendship or much worse on the spot. The sad part about this.....I never realized this till tonight. Till i had this hell-like dream.

It started in the most beautiful way. I was on the beach with of course this guy who ive had strong feelings for but have kept them fairly hush. At the start of the dream we were just walking along talking, connecting, just being friends. Said guy is very much i dont want to say anti marriage. But just in a different place than i am in his head. So we are walking along and all of a sudden he points out this cool boat sailing along. So i look out and while im doing so he pulls out a ring and kneels behind me. I freak out of course becasue well ya hes my ideal. I say yes we end up getting married and everthing is good. Then there is 2 kids (twins im assuming) and im cooking and cleaning and doing life. He is always gone cuz he works ALL the time. And im at my breaking point. He comes home and suprises me and instead of me being so happy to see him i just close off and keep cleaning and stuff. He tries to get me to just relax and spend time as a family but im going going going. He then says something about how he knew this is what would happen when he got married that his job would be so demanding that there would be so much stress on his marriage that it would be over.

Me being the girl i am i freak out. I start shaking and i just go into our room and start packing up his bags. He walks into room carring one of the babies and asks me what the heck im doing. I just start yelling about how obviously he doesnt love me or want to be married to me so that he can just go live elsewhere till i can get all myself packed up and get out of HIS house. He tries to calm me down and sits the baby in the bassinett. He tries to hold me but i just start pushing away and trying to get away and i end up falling back onto the bed shaking.

This is when i wake my that position...shaking....I instantly start crying. I realized tonight that i have many traits that my mother has. I love her with all i am but there are so many similarties. I am impatient, i get mad easy, i over analyze, over think, and jump to conclusions. Its my way or no way. THIS is why im not married. There are so many things i need to work on....and im so overwhelmed.....I feel like a total loser.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

A-Z & 1,2,3: Random Update of EVERYTHING!

Well lets see, where to start?

In December as many of you know i had what i can only discribe as a "Might Change" of life. It wasn't just my heart. It was EVERYTHING! I instantly fell in love with the feeling of peace i had in my life again. Since then there was a tiny bump but after that bump i quickly realized how Satan was going to work me. He was no longer going through men to get to me first. He was using my girl"friends". I use the word friends there lightly. Because im realzing that some of the people i thought i could trust the most i really can't. That makes me really sad. But, during this period of time i learned one major thing. The people that matter most in my life will stick with me through anything! The ones that don't stick with me, truly dont matter. And its very easy for me to be rid of them now. I just dont have time for their drama.

As i grew stronger in the church, i grew close to some of the members of the ward. I grew even closer to my bishopric. I saw all of them as my Dads. About a month ago they redid all the student wards in the SLC and Davis Counties. They redid boundries. And i lost my bishopric. It was the hardest Sunday of my life. I don't think i have ever cried that hard. I felt lost again. And that scared me. Thankfully my Heavenly Father knew what i needed more. My new ward is amazing! We do some of the funnest things! The bishopric is awesome. Their wives are amazing! AND i have a new calling. I teach Gospel Doctrine. You'd think that this calling would be easy for me since im outgoing. Last Sunday was my first Sunday teaching. I think i was sweating the whole time!!!!! NO JOKE!!! I was sooooo afraid!!!!!! The last thing i wanted to do was teach something wrong. I hear it went well though. Still scary.

As of now, things are going really well in life. There are things i wish were going better. But for now this is good enough! Thank you to everyone that kept me sane during this time without my laptop! lol i almost died not blogging and stuff!

Monday, May 9, 2011

Instant Connections Can Become Instant Failures

So anyone that knows me know that i wear my heart on my sleeve. This is not only the case for men, but women also. The number of girls that i trust with my secrets i can count on one hand. I do not connect to women fast. So when it happens I'm pretty much all in. That means that when a guy starts causing drama and making the girl sad i want to be there for her. I guess i should just not care so much and try to make sure they know I'm there for them. Because what happens usually is when i see the warning flags from the outside and i inform them, i then become the bad guy. And more times out of not I lose the friend. How this works for some women i don't know. I take to heart anything a girlfriend tells me about a guy. And usually they are right.

I am SOOOOOO done trusting people so easy. This was the last straw. It broke the camels back. I don't have time to invest in someone who wont talk to me about stuff and mend things with a man while removing me from their life. As if that is going to destroy me?. What happens? I usually do the same, and i don't look back anymore.

On happy news lol! I got a job and i love it. My ward changed, and i love it! I moved in with a new/old roommate almost 2 months ago and you guessed it, i LOVE it! Oh and I'm officially addicted to twitter. AND the official twitter page for the Red Sox is following me! WOOOT! Yes I'm THAT excited about this! lol

Life is good. In the midst of trials look for the silver lining. There always is one :)

Sunday, April 17, 2011

My Girlfriend's Boyfriends

So today started with having a rare chance to witness exactly what i want in a marriage. I attended a friends baby shower, and in just a few moments i saw the undeniable love her husband has for her. It inspired me. While at the same time, it caused a spin of emotions today for me. I knew that there was a good chance i was totally PMS'ing so i decided it was early to bed for me. So i feel asleep around 930pm. I was awoke by a text, and from there my mind just went nuts. So in hopes to fall back to sleep i decided to check out netflix. I was scanning thought the instant movies and noticed the name of one that looked familiar. So i started watching it. About half way through i remember thinking "Hey i think my friend Ryan did this movie". Ironically enough......i didn't realize the irony that was about to unfold.

In this movie there were SO many moments that were similar to moments I've spent with Ryan. I wish i could say that this realization was happy, but it was not. It caused a rush of emotions and a long hot bath after to think. As i was drawing the water, i had this thought and put it in my iPhone notes. " There comes a time in life when what you think you want or even need is so important that it changes who you become. Both these men have done this for me. The future is unknown, but what i want is not. So now, the true question is...when the future will give me that." I have spent SO much energy trying to get what i want that i didn't think about what i need. I have spent so much time in the past few months trying to figure out if these boys liked me, that I've ignored what matters.

I know I'm a catch, i know that someday when the Lords time is right i will meet the man that makes me feel all of these amazing things these two man do/have. Gabe proved to me that good guys can care about someone who had been around the block so many time shes the lil dude on the mapquest map. Ryan has reminded me that conversation is the MOST important thing to me in any situation. If the conversation is natural then the relationship whatever it is, will be amazing. It makes me sad that i was so caught up in if he liked me, that i didn't see this till just now.

What do i want? A family, kids, drama, and everything that comes with that. What do i need? To trust God knows i want that and that it will happen on his watch, not mine. Therein lies the trick. I need to be more like a grasshopper, and less like a lion. I need to LET things happen, and stop trying to encourage them to happen. It never seems to work. Good things come to those who wait, better things come to those that endure. Enduring isn't just living with what happens, it is looking at what is happening and improving yourself.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Unanswered Prayers

For years i have vented, complained, and stressed about marriage, love, and relationships. If there is anything that i have learned in the last few months it is that the Lord knows us better than we know us. He loves us more than we love us at times. And he has more faith in us then most of the time we do ourselves.

Recently there have been 2 men in my life that have drastically changed it. Both of them have started in the same way. Boy is sweet. Girl falls for boy. The difference between them is major. The first one i did sooooo much work to make it known i cared, that i didn't allow him to care. I read into things, misread signs, and basically almost ruined something that i didn't know would happen. Friendship. He is the single most important person in my life right now next to God, and my best girlfriend and roomie. He knows me better than i know myself i believe. He respects me, is honest with me, and puts up with ALL of my imperfections. Falling for him so fast taught me MANY things i needed to learn. And in the end i still won. I have him as my Best Friend.

The second man, i can't even put into words what a wonderful person he is. He is everything i have in my Best Friend, but there is that spark. And i know without a doubt he feels it. As many of you know i am a VERY hard girl. What you see is what you get. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm honest, real, and direct. I don't play games, and i don't believe in "gender roles". I figure if i like a guy he should know, and usually he does lol. The trick i must learn is to as my roommate and BeSIStie said "Let him miss you." Because i don't believe in games i have a tendency to do ALL the work. And when the work gets to be to much, i also tend to freak out like a 2 year girl who's brother just tore off her Barbies head. At that point i close up. I get scared, emotional, and lose faith in who i am.

I had this discussion with my Roomie today. I said i somehow had to be able to wear my heart on my sleeve, but keep it from getting broken. Just like a cuff link, its gonna get scratched, and banged up a bit. Call me dumb, but i don't regret that. What i do regret is one single thing. Losing Trust.

When something doesn't go the way i expected, like deciding to not text for 2 days and hearing nothing from a boy. I tend to lose trust in God. Faith in his plan for me. I told my roommate tonight that i wish i just was hard....that i didn't care....that i wasn't sweet and loving. I expressed how if the signs i saw from him of interest weren't real then i sure as heck don't know what is. I was quickly losing trust, and faith in God.

As if he could pre-hear my prayers he answered a question i hadn't even asked. I watched a movie tonight about long distance relationships. I realized how because of my heart on my sleeve i couldn't handle one RIGHT NOW. I realized that just because God is saying "Not right now" to what i want more then anything, doesn't mean hes saying "No". There is a reason for everything in life. The good, bad, happy, sad, drama, and peace. Each emotion has a purpose. Each purpose brings us one step close to our end goal. Eternal Life. So my dear friends.....I am grateful for unanswered prayers all these years. And I'm grateful for the "Not right nows", they teach me to trust more.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Can i get a BIG RED EASY BUTTON please?

I know we are sent here to earth to get stronger and become who God wants us to be, but there are times when i just want a get out of jail card, that big red button, or a golden ticket to a chocolate factory where you don't get fat from eating all that darn chocolate!

The last 4 months of change in my life have been exactly that, CHANGE! I feel like a bouncy ball being played with by a 2 year old. First I'm in their mouth, then I'm thrown to the ground to see how high i can bounce. For just one month, i would like something to be normal. Something to just stay smooth. Plzkthanx!

Now, since i have just whined for like 2 mins i guess i should say that it has not been all bad. I have learned a lot about myself and who i want to be. I have learned that sometimes you can do sooooo much and still come out on the bottom. That doesn't mean you failed. It means you tried something, and it just wasn't right. Example? Okay.

I'm a difficult person to live with. I was raised differently and i just react, think, and talk differently. For YEARS i have had people tell me that because of some of these things i wouldn't get married, i wouldn't be happy, and i just wasn't a good friend. This was really starting to bother me. So, i prayed. I asked Heavenly Father to show me things that mattered that i needed to fix. And then i prayed that the things that didn't matter as much i could grow to learn to not let bother me. It amazes me how this man works. He wastes no time. I have learned that i am NOT a trusting and openingly loving person to many. It is hard for me to connect saying i love you to showing it. It has always been that way for me. This is something that was a "work on it" and a "don't worry about it" thing.

It was a work on it thing because i have to learn to connect those two things. It was a don't worry about it thing because it is also something that keeps me from getting hurt to much. I am the most forgiving person in the world to some people and not to others. This could be seen as being a brat, but i see it as a good protection. Sometimes the people i trust turn out to not deserve that trust. Sometimes the people that i don't trust earn that trust and never lose it again no matter what. All in all i have come to one conclusion.

I am doing JUST fine with who i am, where I'm going, and what I'm becoming. I know that i am an AMAZING daughter, friend, granddaughter, sister and so on. I know i have MANY imperfections. I am grateful for them, because they keep me humbled. I know I'm beautiful, talented, and that heart on my sleeve? Yep....its not going ANYWHERE. I guess I'm one of those people that like it there, because id rather be hurt over and over then miss someone that is meant to be part of that heart. Life isn't meant to be full of drama, unhappiness and tears. It is meant to be fun, happy, and full of joy. The only person that chooses what our life is made of is US. NO ONE BUT OURSELVES CHOOSE TO BE UNHAPPY! THE.END!

Monday, January 17, 2011

My 3 C's And More.

Confusion. Confidence. Comfort. I swear these words play leading roles in my daily life! Hopefully this blog is something others can relate to. Also i hope those reading all my ramblings actually enjoy them haha.

Anyone that knows me knows 3 things about me. 1. I wear my heart on my sleeve. 2. I will easily give every part of who i am for a man i care about. 3. i have zero confidence in myself sometimes. (more then a year ago for sure! but still....)These three things once again caused some drama in my weekend, and caused me a little pain, that surly isn't going to go away anytime soon I'm sensing. Of which I'm torn between being happy about and sad about.

Within the last month i have seen AMAZING blessings, a transformation of spirit, and a deeper love for the gospel in my life. I am SO thankful for this, and I'm blown away by it also. I could never in this lifetime understand the love our Savior and Heavenly Father have for me. But weekly, if not daily i see and learn more about what love really is by them. I am truly being blessed daily in my life with things that i couldn't even imagine. I am building the strongest relationships with others then i have ever had. I am becoming a woman of God. What a blessing that is, but at the same time the road to becoming that woman is definitely testing my strength and endurance to what is right.

I had the opportunity in the last couple weeks of meeting an AMAZING man. A man that is temple worthy, honest, loving, giving, respectful, funny, caring, hardworking, smart, and attractive on the inside and out. If i were to have met this man a year ago i wouldn't of given him a 2ND look. He would of just been another guy on the street. But, i didn't meet him a year ago. I met him at a time when Heavenly Father saw fit. I have fallen for this man and id be a fool to deny i haven't. In fact, those knowing me probably know where I'm going with this lol. I am a VERY honest, straight forward girl. I say what i feel, what i think, and what i want. I am not afraid of pain. I'm use to it. BUT, the events of this weekend have also taught me something else. I am strong beyond measure. I can feel all of these emotional, physical, spiritual connections to a man and if those feelings arnt returned i have learned i can still be his friend. Not just the friend that hopes for something someday (again those that know me know I'm doing this a tiny bit lol)but a friend who is there to support, love, advice and care for this man for who he is.

During this weekend of a tad bit of drama and pain, i was once again taught how mindful and loving our Heavenly Father is of us. The drama kinda broke late Saturday night, i slept maybe a hour and half. When i woke up to get ready for church i just laid there not wanting to even move, let alone open my eyes. I knew myself well enough to know it was going to be a HARD day. But i got up, got ready and drove to church. I sat in my friends car for a minute to gather myself and say a quick prayer that the pain and uncomfort i was feeling in my tummy would go away. That something would hit me in one of the lessons and that i would feel comforted. As i walked into RS and the lesson started instantly i knew i was meant to be there. I'm sure others took out what they needed. But for me the whole lesson was about the Lords time table vs ours. And about how turning to him for peace and comfort give us the ability to build a stronger relationship with him. During the lesson there were a couple things that stuck out to me that were said. First, " Our willingness to sacrifice shows our dedication to the Lord." Second, there was a comment about "putting on the Lords glasses". After Sunday school i drove back to where i was staying to pick up my friends that were not ready yet. In the process one decided that she was just to wiped out to get up. Thus leaving only the young man of which my crush was on. I was worried about how it would be after all the weirdness. But to my pleasant surprise it wasn't weird at all for me. If anything it gave me the chance to speak with him and make things a lil more normal.

In sacrament meeting there was a talk about Happiness and choosing daily to be happy and be grateful for the small things like catching fireflies. When that latter part was mentioned i instantly started crying! Anyone that is from the Midwest knows what fireflies are, and they are like my FAVORITE bug! Welllllll actually the only bug that DOESNT make me scream lol. Another talk was given and a hiking story was shared by a young lady. She had never hiked before, but had decided to do this night hike with her brothers. One of her brothers had done the hike before. He knew the paths and which way to go. He knew how hard it would be, but he also knew the beautiful lake that was at the end of the hike. The young lady shared a sentence that stuck with me pretty hard. " We don't need to know the whole path, we just need to know a few feet in front of us."

I am so blessed in my life to have the friends i have and the gospel. I will admit there is something that is making it so easy to be good friends with the said young man, wither that is because we are meant to be the best of friends. Or if somewhere down the road things might take a turn in a direction no one can predict. What i do know is that i will be eternally grateful for him, for teaching me SO much about myself that day. And for giving me such a new vision of what love is. Love my friends is not just romance and physical. True love is indestructible, it is real, and it is wholesome. I truly do love this man for all he has done for me, and i can only pray he sees how special he truly is.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

A Mighty Change INDEED!

Its been two weeks since i first spoke to my bishop. WOW! Does NOT seem like that long! I have learned so much in the last 2 weeks, things that i knew deep in my heart but never really pondered. I am so grateful for this change in my heart and life, it is still not easy and I'm still hurting a bit. However i have learned a few things either through my personal studying or from others, i would like to share them now. First, the Lord does/will answer heart-felt prayers of all kinds. I have a short story demonstrating this.
On New Years Day i was reading in my Miracle of Forgiveness book and he spoke of eternal life. For some reason this had a uncomfortable feeling to me. The more i thought about it the more my stomach got into a knot and i felt so scared. At this point i realized that the basic concept of the church was something that scared me! I knew i had to fix this. For anyone that knows me knows i am quite determined to fix things when i set out to do so. I tried reading scriptures, thoughts and finally i prayed and asked what i could do. As i ended the prayer i felt like i should call and ask my mother. I did so and she kindly informed me i had ALWAYS had this fear. She had me imagine having my own little girl loving her with all my heart as i would. She then asked me "Now would you ever put this little girl through something that was painful, boring, and uneasy for eternity intentionally?" Of course i said no. She then said "Now, take that feeling of love you have for her and magnify it more then you can comprehend. THAT is how much your Heavenly Father loves you Tricia, now would he put you through that either?" It totally made sense. We kept talking and many things started making sense. She reminded me that we to become a God we would have to learn and grow and that was part of what was going to happen in the next life. She reminded me of a few more things and told me to just turn it over to the Lord and ask him to change that feeling for me. I did so and then kept reading. As i started reading.
President Kimball stated many of the things my mother reminded me of. It made me smile and i let go of that thought knowing in time the fear and uneasiness would go away. Well, today i had an "ah ha" moment as i was talking to a Bestie. I have had more peace, contentment, and the feeling of love in the last 2 weeks then i have in years. I now officially CRAVE the feeling i feel at church. I anxiously await Sunday, and when it comes i want to keep it forever! THAT is what eternity will be like....a life long Sunday! SIGN ME UP! WOOO HOOOO! As i kept reading that day i also realized that i had most likely been without the Holy Ghost for 4-6 years, with brief parts where i was getting him back. I remember during this time saying many of times "The Lord knows my heart." At that point i relied so much on the Lord knowing my heart and not letting my actions show to him i was worthy of exaltation. It is not enough for the Lord to know our heart, our actions will also play a major part in which kingdom we are sent to. As i read this in the book i instantly started crying, at that very moment my mighty change happened. I no longer wanted to live in sin because i never know when my time is up on this earth. The scripture about whatsoever is bound on earth is bound in heaven, and whatsoever is loosed on earth will be loosed in heaven ties so nicely into this. If we do not forsake our sins now, no matter how big or small it will be so much harder to learn and grow in the next life. It is so important to put off the natural man!
I am so grateful for Sundays because they are so inspirational. For the past few weeks i have been stressing out over things i cant control. I have forgot to let the Lord have control and just trust him. It has sent me into countless panic attack and crying fits. Today's sacrament meeting was amazing to me, it lifted my spirit and renewed my soul! We had a High Councilmen speak and usually they don't really keep my attention i will admit. But this man was what i would like to call and Mini Jeffery Holland, although they could be the same age lol. He got so passionate about his talk that many times he was VERY forceful sounding. It moved my soul so much! There were some interesting points in his talk that he shared that i would like to share with all of you.
First he encouraged us to do a weekly introspection of our life. Seeing how aligned we were with Gods plan for us. Then he shared a quote by C.S Lewis "The cross comes before the crown and tomorrow is a Monday morning!" I LOVEEEEEEEEEE that quote so much now. What an inspiration that man is! Our high councilmen then continued on in his talk and spoke of his days as a bishop when all the young women would come into his office at one point in tears about not being married. They would say that they will never get married and that they just give up hope. He said he would say to them "You don't have the luxury of giving up hope!" How true this is! And how true it should be! Later near the end of his talk he said two things that were the final things that id like to share. First, "Faith grows as your obedience grows." Finally, "Put off the natural man/woman and become a saint."
I would like to end with sharing my testimony. I know without a doubt in my mind now that this is the true church. I know that if anyone feels out of place or like they don't belong that they can feel they do but it does take lots of work. I am grateful for the plan of salvation and for my Savior Jesus Christ. I'm thankful to my Heavenly Father for giving me the ultimate gift. His son. I love this church more then anything i have loved or will ever love. I believe with my whole heart that the church should be the most important thing in our lives, and by it being so everything else will work out. Until next time, i say this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

2011?! REALLY?!

I can't believe that is already 2011, when little i use to think by now we would be like the Jetsons. Sad day that i don't have my own personal air car. As i embark on this new year, like any other year i have some goals i would like to set for myself. Not resolutions, that word seems to jinx itself. I am truly grateful for the chance i have to live in this country, to partake of its freedom. Before i share my goals with the world i would like to take a moment to thank the men and women who protect me. Thank you for sacrificing your life, family, and comfort. Thank you to the wives of the men that don't come home. Thank you to the mothers who kneel and pray for comfort when their sons and daughters come home in a box. Thank you for their families that within a second their lives change. Thank you to the families that daily watch the news to hear about their family members who protect me. Most of all please God watch over these men and women. Their lives are far harder then mine is and ever will be.

As i think about where i have been this last year of course there are some tears, discomfort, and a degree of "you knew better"'s. But because of the tears and such I am stronger, smarter, and more dependent on the two people that matters most in my life (sorry friends) my Savior and God. Now i know Ive cried wolf many times when speaking about my dedication and love to the Latter-Day Saint church. But doesn't everyone? In some way we all "cry wolf" whither it is saying " I'm going to pray more " or "I'm going to build a stronger relationship with people that matter." While all those things are truly important I have learned one thing this last week. You can set any goals in life you want. ANY! BUT most of them will never happen unless you have 2 things. A broken heart and contrite spirit.

I have heard "a broken heart and contrite spirit" so many times in life. Sadly, until recently i really haven't cared or took interest in what it meant. Let me share with you some thoughts i have had while looking at what this means. The first thing i saw when researching was basically what that means is we give our lives fully to the Lord. Sounds easy huh? I will be the first to tell you it is the hardest thing to do at first. I couldn't do it for years, until i was kinda in a situation that forced me to rely on God and my Savior. The last thing that i take out of having a broken heart and contrite spirit is service. Those that serve can't help but have a broken heart and contrite spirit. They are doing the one thing that brings us the most joy. Just as the scripture says, when you serve others you serve God. What a novel idea! You become closer to God while you serve his sons & daughters. I now have a testimony of that. One simple act.....and I'm stronger. Mind blowing.

As i end this entry i will share with you 5 goals i have for myself this year. I pray for help to keep these goals.

1. I want to read and ponder my scriptures 2 times a day.
2. I want to build a stronger, more dedicated relationship with my Savior & God.
3. I want to love and service others and be there for my friends and family better.
4. I want to blog about my week every Sunday so that at the end of the year i have a 2011 Journal.
5. I want to be just as that little 14 year old girl that was unshaken with her testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

In ending i have noticed one thing that i have decided to do different with my goals this year. Most years its lose 100 lbs, do amazing in school, blah blah blah. Sure them things are great and truly uplifting. But we are taught if we make God and Jesus first in our lives all other things will fall into place. That is what i am doing. If i gain a stronger testimony of this church this year i know i will gain the blessings i need to have everything else in life just fall into place.

Merry Christmas & Happy 2011 friends and family. May this year bless you in all you stand in need of. May you see how important it is to love others just as i have. Until next time......