Thursday, September 22, 2011

♪ Sometimes love just isn't enough ♪ ....or is it?

"Do you have what it takes? If your marriage is in trouble, can you weather the storm? When the ground gives way and your world collapses, maybe you just need to have faith and trust that you can survive this together. Maybe you just need to hold on tight and no matter what, don't let go." *Gray's Anatomy*

"You think that true love is the only thing that can crush your heart; that will take your life and light it up or destroy it. Then you become a mother." *Gray's Anatomy*

Before hearing these two quotes I honestly was so sure that if i was there for someone enough that they couldn't help but love me. I honestly thought that if i TOLD them how special they were to me that they would feel the same. I honestly truly thought that exercising patience with someone who i *thought* liked me meant putting aside what i felt out of fear he might freak out. How mistaken i was in all these things.

You can only be there for someone if they allow you to get close enough so that they can learn to trust you. You can tell someone how important they are to you till you are blue in the face, but it is their personal choice to feel the same. And holding on to every feeling and thought out of fear will only do one thing; practically wound you in every way.

Just a few months ago i blogged about the fact that wanting love so bad might just be normal that we all feel it. I take that back. Craving love so much that you risk yourself for it is harmful. And i have lived my WHOLE life doing so. Furthermore, i dont know how not to love with who i am. I can't sit here and blame my childhood or my past for this fact. What i can do is take responsibility for it. Like an alcoholic does in AA. So i say.

"Hello, My name is Tricia and i am obsessed with the emotion of love. I am guilty of overdosing on dreams of finding the right one. I am 0 days sober and im not sure how to fix that. Sometimes i wonder if the button so many of my friends are equipped with was misplaced in me, given to someone else. Because for the life of me i do not know how not to love. I love every kind of person till they prove that love is unreal. And sometimes, yes sometimes i love anyways. It has got to the point where this emotion has such a control on me, that its all i speak of. I find myself daydreaming of a happy place and in some form love is there. And the simple thought that having my own child and something happening could crush me harder than true love could, well that my friends scares the hell out of me. So, my question is, how do i not love love?"

Monday, September 5, 2011

Patience Is A Virtue......or something like that

I am the least patient person in the world I think. I'm fairly sure I've been that way my whole life. And most of the time I don't care if i am or not. But recently I have discovered I might need to learn how to be to keep myself from going insane. I am one of them girls that wears her heart on her sleeve. I love fully, risking it all. Sometimes this is a good thing, but most of the time it is not. And usually what becomes of it is I mentally drive myself crazy trying to figure things out. I think and think and think until my brain is all over the place. What goes hand in hand with that? I doubt myself. I doubt my worth, my confidence, and my strength.

I realize that when I do that I am allowing Satan to take control. So I try so hard to just be positive. To pretend that I am okay. And most of the time i am. Most of the time I am 100% happy with where I am at right now. Most of the time i know I'm a great girl with amazing strengths. But there are those moments after something just doesnt go how i thought it would that i lose it all. I am well awear that people move at very different speeds in relationships. I am awear that most of the time the speed depends on a lot of variables. And Im totally ok with that. I guess the reason for this blog is 2 things.

1. Is it so bad that i just want a hint somehow if a guy is into me or if he is just "being nice"? I mean not all girls will go warp speed if we know a guy likes us. Especially if we know where he stands and how slow he is. I just want to know. Is it that bad?

2. Because i am the girl with her heart on her sleeve, that means im also the girl that doesnt give up. Until a man straight out says, I see you as just a freind and that wont change, i will do whatever i can to help him trust me. I can't change who i fall for. Am i dumb for holding onto the hope that he will fall too? Even knowing i might just get hurt in the long run? Even knowing he might not return the feeling ever?