Monday, October 24, 2011


I have decided to retire this blog. It will remain open till i can go and print off the entries. If you would like to follow my new one let me know. It will be private and you will have to get approved.

Best Wishes

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Strength, Faith, Fear.

Dear World,

Please do not mistake my strength for fear and vice versa. There is a drastic difference between the two. I will explain this to you now. Fear is something that we allow ourselves to hang onto. It is something that we know is there and can feel it eating away our happiness, positivity, and sanity. Fear is something that when one gets comfortable with life they just let happen. It is something that many people use as an excuse. "This wont work because im so afraid of getting hurt", "I cant do this im to afraid" and the worst "Im so afraid of being alone." Fear is a bad 4 letter f word that so many use in their lives that the 5 letter F word can sometimes seem impossible. Faith. Faith trumps fear, it allows you to feel positive, happy, and keeps you sane. It is not something that can be forced upon you. It is something you have to allow in. You have to choose to feel it.

Faith is the icing on the cake called Strength. Strength is confused with fear all of the time. People say that the people who are afraid of some things are just to strong. This is not so. More often than not, Strength comes from having faith that things will be ok. When someone is afraid they usually are not being strong. They are letting things in that shouldnt be there. However, sometimes being afraid can lead to being strong.

In, conclusion it would be much easier on us dear world, if you would stop plastering the media with people who are afraid of things like commitment, love, and happiness that have this big MOMENT and end up with all 3. It causes men to just remind women like me that Hollywood is screwing up our lives! :)

Love, Me

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

A heartfelt thank you....

Within the last 2 months I have heard from more than one of my guy friends something like this..."Well i'm not getting younger, its time to start a family so i just decided to commit. She gets me. Its just hard for me to fall in love." This actually is starting to scare me. How many men out there honestly feel this is smart? How many think that a few years down the road when there are little lives involved that this will be easy for them? How many TRULY feel good about committing to someone in a marriage when you are not IN LOVE with them? This makes me sick to think men truly do this! And it sure as heck makes me more guarded now.

For all you men in my life that are REAL, HONEST, TRUSTWORTHY, LOVING, and KIND. Thank You. Many of you that are now my really good friends were once a crush, or a person i was dating. I am grateful for you men that were honest with me from the VERY start of our relationship that you didn't see yourself getting married, having kids, so on. It allowed me to trust you very early in the game. And that means that when im having a hard time it is you that will be the advice i take from. Not the men that are "doing what they should". To those men, you are idiots if you honestly think that down the road she wont figure it out. Women IF they use their minds more than heart are smart enough to tell when a man loves them or not. They are smart enough to tell when a man just "needs time" or when they are just going through the steps the world sees fit to call steps. And when that happens, i pray to heaven that you have not shared your seed and created life. That poor child deserves a 2 parent home of LOVE.

To all the women in the world who are honestly wondering "Does he love me?", ask him. And then ask him why he loves you. IF you don't feel like the answers are heartfelt or worth the possible pain that its a game for him then leave his butt now before you get hurt more. You deserve to be respected and loved. And if he cant do that, than HE is not worth your time.

Also, for all you man "friends" who keep insisting that if a man likes you he will ALWAYS make a move, bugger off. Just so you know not all men are game players, some truly truly are just not prepared to enter a commitment like marriage as fast as those that "feel its time".

That is all.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Move & More

Take a trip with me back to July of this year. I was sitting in the exhausting sun of our firework booth for work. I received a phone call from my family tossing out the idea of me moving down to Cedar City. At first i thought this was a joke. Did they not realize how my life was basically in SLC now? Did they not see what a huge and painful thing this would be for me to do? It came to my attention they were 100% serious. And at first i just shrugged it off and went on with my life. As the days went by there were things that just kept pointing to Cedar City. Things that i knew without a doubt weren't happening just by chance. So i did the unthinkable. I prayed about the move. I tried so hard to cloud my judgement and make it into a no. But the heavens had something else in mind for me. That next week was the week i learned how powerful prayer really was. I figured if i avoided asking and praying again i wouldn't get an answer. HA! What a joke! Instead i was "stalked" with the answer of yes. Finally after talking to some friends and my roommate about it, i saw the benefits. And they CLEARLY outweighed the cons. Sadly, i knew i was going to have to be strong, and keep my chin up. I knew this was going to be one of the hardest moves of my life. And boy was I right.

Once i decided to move things fell into place. I applied for a job at the start of OCT and got a call two days later that basically told me i had the job. Once that was set it was like Satan knew what joy my future would bring me by making this move. And he tried it all. There were a couple times where i just about quit. And the last 2 weeks were the worst. Thankfully with the help of friends i made it through and the issues were resolved. Day by day it became time to move. The morning of was no exception to the drama. I was walking down the stairs to get some things from the garage and slipped on a stair and re-hurt my ankle. Just enough to be totally 100% useless in loading and unloading. Then my family that came and got me ran into traffic and the u haul took longer to hook up here in Cedar then expected. I of course was freaking out because they didn't call to tell me they would be later. Finally the moment arrived of saying my goodbyes. My heart was being torn out. The night before i had to say a fast goodbye to my BMFF Gabe. So having to do it a second day was not pleasing to me. But i focused on the ending. Coming back to SLC, coming home.

As we drove that horribly boring drive i could feel parts of me slowly coming back. What i didn't know is countless people were praying for my peace of mind. Just another reason i'm so blessed with amazing friends. I cried a couple times. But the real tears happened when we pulled in to the apartment. Reality hit. This was my home for a couple years. Thankfully my Aunt got out of the car, locked it, and let me have my cry before we unpacked. Slowly its getting easier to function. But the drama is sure not stopping.

I realized something when i woke up from a horrible dream. My attitude about it being so bad is just fueling Satan's fire. It is giving him the power to control me. Sure this might not be my ideal life, but it is going to give me the chance to make my life better. He has encouraged me to be miserable just like he is. And he had me that way for days. I love my family, and i miss my friends. Those two facts can share the same brain without causing a waterfall of tears and guilt. So, here's to choking back the pain and getting over it!

Wish me luck!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

♪ Sometimes love just isn't enough ♪ ....or is it?

"Do you have what it takes? If your marriage is in trouble, can you weather the storm? When the ground gives way and your world collapses, maybe you just need to have faith and trust that you can survive this together. Maybe you just need to hold on tight and no matter what, don't let go." *Gray's Anatomy*

"You think that true love is the only thing that can crush your heart; that will take your life and light it up or destroy it. Then you become a mother." *Gray's Anatomy*

Before hearing these two quotes I honestly was so sure that if i was there for someone enough that they couldn't help but love me. I honestly thought that if i TOLD them how special they were to me that they would feel the same. I honestly truly thought that exercising patience with someone who i *thought* liked me meant putting aside what i felt out of fear he might freak out. How mistaken i was in all these things.

You can only be there for someone if they allow you to get close enough so that they can learn to trust you. You can tell someone how important they are to you till you are blue in the face, but it is their personal choice to feel the same. And holding on to every feeling and thought out of fear will only do one thing; practically wound you in every way.

Just a few months ago i blogged about the fact that wanting love so bad might just be normal that we all feel it. I take that back. Craving love so much that you risk yourself for it is harmful. And i have lived my WHOLE life doing so. Furthermore, i dont know how not to love with who i am. I can't sit here and blame my childhood or my past for this fact. What i can do is take responsibility for it. Like an alcoholic does in AA. So i say.

"Hello, My name is Tricia and i am obsessed with the emotion of love. I am guilty of overdosing on dreams of finding the right one. I am 0 days sober and im not sure how to fix that. Sometimes i wonder if the button so many of my friends are equipped with was misplaced in me, given to someone else. Because for the life of me i do not know how not to love. I love every kind of person till they prove that love is unreal. And sometimes, yes sometimes i love anyways. It has got to the point where this emotion has such a control on me, that its all i speak of. I find myself daydreaming of a happy place and in some form love is there. And the simple thought that having my own child and something happening could crush me harder than true love could, well that my friends scares the hell out of me. So, my question is, how do i not love love?"

Monday, September 5, 2011

Patience Is A Virtue......or something like that

I am the least patient person in the world I think. I'm fairly sure I've been that way my whole life. And most of the time I don't care if i am or not. But recently I have discovered I might need to learn how to be to keep myself from going insane. I am one of them girls that wears her heart on her sleeve. I love fully, risking it all. Sometimes this is a good thing, but most of the time it is not. And usually what becomes of it is I mentally drive myself crazy trying to figure things out. I think and think and think until my brain is all over the place. What goes hand in hand with that? I doubt myself. I doubt my worth, my confidence, and my strength.

I realize that when I do that I am allowing Satan to take control. So I try so hard to just be positive. To pretend that I am okay. And most of the time i am. Most of the time I am 100% happy with where I am at right now. Most of the time i know I'm a great girl with amazing strengths. But there are those moments after something just doesnt go how i thought it would that i lose it all. I am well awear that people move at very different speeds in relationships. I am awear that most of the time the speed depends on a lot of variables. And Im totally ok with that. I guess the reason for this blog is 2 things.

1. Is it so bad that i just want a hint somehow if a guy is into me or if he is just "being nice"? I mean not all girls will go warp speed if we know a guy likes us. Especially if we know where he stands and how slow he is. I just want to know. Is it that bad?

2. Because i am the girl with her heart on her sleeve, that means im also the girl that doesnt give up. Until a man straight out says, I see you as just a freind and that wont change, i will do whatever i can to help him trust me. I can't change who i fall for. Am i dumb for holding onto the hope that he will fall too? Even knowing i might just get hurt in the long run? Even knowing he might not return the feeling ever?


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Line Upon Line......

Hey, remember all them 45943 times i complained about my life? Yep, me also. Well its about time i realize something. The more i complain the worse it gets....Karma i tell you. Looking back on the last 7 years of my life i have mixed emotions. I laugh, i cry, i get annoyed, i get mad, but most of all im proud. Who would of thought that in 2011 i would be where i am. Sure to most im still that unsucsseful girl who has no idea what she is doing. But to myself, i am a girl who has done it on my own (with scattered help from my best of friends) who still has no idea what she is doing ha ha ha.

I have sat for years and prayed, fasted, begged, and pleaded with God to send me my husband, help me find a super great job, and to help me be able to see my family more. And when it didnt happen, i was mad i admit it. I was so mad that it took my life into a downward spiral. I am not getting any younger id tell myself. Im a loser, i have no real life. I hate my job id think quietly, and im sick and tired of being alone.

How on earth can i expect God to answer something i want when all i can see is the bad? How on earth can i expect blessings when im not even greatful for what i do have most the time? It ends here. (im sure ill complain again, just not as much lol)

You get what you put into life. So wouldnt you think the same goes for blessings? You get what you put into them. If i want to find a husband, i need to prepare as a wife. If i want to find a good job, i need to learn how to be a better worker. If i want to see my family, well im going to have to learn pacients thats for sure! lol

Years later things are falling into place. I have the Uhaul/van planned, i know what the time frame is that i will be exiting SLC, and i know where im going to be living. Is this an answer to a prayer? Not to the ones i was asking, but it is one. Its not a husband, job, or what i am familar with. But it is peaceful. For the first time in my life i am at peace for where i am. I love who i am, where im going, and who i was in the past. By loving that person i have learned to forgive myself for some of the hardest lessons ive ever had to learn. And i have learned to love others.

Life isnt measured in the breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away. If this is the case, my life is truly amazing for 2 real good reasons. I have family and friends that love me unconditionally. That will give all they can to make MY life easier to bare. Second, i have a loving Heavenly Father who hurts when i hurt, loves when i love, laughs when i laugh, and loves when even i cant love myself. All the rest i want? Honestly, who cares? Ive got what i need to make it till i get that too :)