Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Reality in dreams? Please Lord, i hope not this one.

Have you ever awoke from a dream that felt like it was real? Where you wake up in the same place, same position, same mood you were in in this dream?

Up till tonight i could of said no. Up until tonight i never had dreams that scared me so much....that i was shaking. Sure i had dreams of death, pain, and many other things. But never in my life have i had a dream that could of been real.

For those that know much about my life you know 2 things. 1. I give everything i have to a friendship/relationship until i feel i cant do anymore. 2. I wear my heart on my sleeve. What you see is what you get. I dont play games, i dont hide emotions. I am real. Sadly, sometimes this can be bad. And not because i get heartbroken. But because i can hurt others so easy. I can do things that come across like im a total brat and SO ungreatful. I can say things that are worded so wrong that i could end a friendship or much worse on the spot. The sad part about this.....I never realized this till tonight. Till i had this hell-like dream.

It started in the most beautiful way. I was on the beach with of course this guy who ive had strong feelings for but have kept them fairly hush. At the start of the dream we were just walking along talking, connecting, just being friends. Said guy is very much i dont want to say anti marriage. But just in a different place than i am in his head. So we are walking along and all of a sudden he points out this cool boat sailing along. So i look out and while im doing so he pulls out a ring and kneels behind me. I freak out of course becasue well ya hes my ideal. I say yes we end up getting married and everthing is good. Then there is 2 kids (twins im assuming) and im cooking and cleaning and doing life. He is always gone cuz he works ALL the time. And im at my breaking point. He comes home and suprises me and instead of me being so happy to see him i just close off and keep cleaning and stuff. He tries to get me to just relax and spend time as a family but im going going going. He then says something about how he knew this is what would happen when he got married that his job would be so demanding that there would be so much stress on his marriage that it would be over.

Me being the girl i am i freak out. I start shaking and i just go into our room and start packing up his bags. He walks into room carring one of the babies and asks me what the heck im doing. I just start yelling about how obviously he doesnt love me or want to be married to me so that he can just go live elsewhere till i can get all myself packed up and get out of HIS house. He tries to calm me down and sits the baby in the bassinett. He tries to hold me but i just start pushing away and trying to get away and i end up falling back onto the bed shaking.

This is when i wake up....in my bed...in that position...shaking....I instantly start crying. I realized tonight that i have many traits that my mother has. I love her with all i am but there are so many similarties. I am impatient, i get mad easy, i over analyze, over think, and jump to conclusions. Its my way or no way. THIS is why im not married. There are so many things i need to work on....and im so overwhelmed.....I feel like a total loser.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

A-Z & 1,2,3: Random Update of EVERYTHING!

Well lets see, where to start?

In December as many of you know i had what i can only discribe as a "Might Change" of life. It wasn't just my heart. It was EVERYTHING! I instantly fell in love with the feeling of peace i had in my life again. Since then there was a tiny bump but after that bump i quickly realized how Satan was going to work me. He was no longer going through men to get to me first. He was using my girl"friends". I use the word friends there lightly. Because im realzing that some of the people i thought i could trust the most i really can't. That makes me really sad. But, during this period of time i learned one major thing. The people that matter most in my life will stick with me through anything! The ones that don't stick with me, truly dont matter. And its very easy for me to be rid of them now. I just dont have time for their drama.

As i grew stronger in the church, i grew close to some of the members of the ward. I grew even closer to my bishopric. I saw all of them as my Dads. About a month ago they redid all the student wards in the SLC and Davis Counties. They redid boundries. And i lost my bishopric. It was the hardest Sunday of my life. I don't think i have ever cried that hard. I felt lost again. And that scared me. Thankfully my Heavenly Father knew what i needed more. My new ward is amazing! We do some of the funnest things! The bishopric is awesome. Their wives are amazing! AND i have a new calling. I teach Gospel Doctrine. You'd think that this calling would be easy for me since im outgoing. Last Sunday was my first Sunday teaching. I think i was sweating the whole time!!!!! NO JOKE!!! I was sooooo afraid!!!!!! The last thing i wanted to do was teach something wrong. I hear it went well though. Still scary.

As of now, things are going really well in life. There are things i wish were going better. But for now this is good enough! Thank you to everyone that kept me sane during this time without my laptop! lol i almost died not blogging and stuff!