Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Line Upon Line......

Hey, remember all them 45943 times i complained about my life? Yep, me also. Well its about time i realize something. The more i complain the worse it gets....Karma i tell you. Looking back on the last 7 years of my life i have mixed emotions. I laugh, i cry, i get annoyed, i get mad, but most of all im proud. Who would of thought that in 2011 i would be where i am. Sure to most im still that unsucsseful girl who has no idea what she is doing. But to myself, i am a girl who has done it on my own (with scattered help from my best of friends) who still has no idea what she is doing ha ha ha.

I have sat for years and prayed, fasted, begged, and pleaded with God to send me my husband, help me find a super great job, and to help me be able to see my family more. And when it didnt happen, i was mad i admit it. I was so mad that it took my life into a downward spiral. I am not getting any younger id tell myself. Im a loser, i have no real life. I hate my job id think quietly, and im sick and tired of being alone.

How on earth can i expect God to answer something i want when all i can see is the bad? How on earth can i expect blessings when im not even greatful for what i do have most the time? It ends here. (im sure ill complain again, just not as much lol)

You get what you put into life. So wouldnt you think the same goes for blessings? You get what you put into them. If i want to find a husband, i need to prepare as a wife. If i want to find a good job, i need to learn how to be a better worker. If i want to see my family, well im going to have to learn pacients thats for sure! lol

Years later things are falling into place. I have the Uhaul/van planned, i know what the time frame is that i will be exiting SLC, and i know where im going to be living. Is this an answer to a prayer? Not to the ones i was asking, but it is one. Its not a husband, job, or what i am familar with. But it is peaceful. For the first time in my life i am at peace for where i am. I love who i am, where im going, and who i was in the past. By loving that person i have learned to forgive myself for some of the hardest lessons ive ever had to learn. And i have learned to love others.

Life isnt measured in the breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away. If this is the case, my life is truly amazing for 2 real good reasons. I have family and friends that love me unconditionally. That will give all they can to make MY life easier to bare. Second, i have a loving Heavenly Father who hurts when i hurt, loves when i love, laughs when i laugh, and loves when even i cant love myself. All the rest i want? Honestly, who cares? Ive got what i need to make it till i get that too :)

Saturday, August 6, 2011


Its that annoyingly happy word that can make or break your mood in mins. Its that word that for the bitter people makes us normal people look weak and out of control. Its that word that no matter who you are, you DO wish to hear it, feel it, and have it in your life. Then why is it, when we find it we run? Why is it when it is right there in our face being supportive, we ignore it? Why is it that the one feeling all humans look for in some fashion is so Katy Perry that we tend to just walk away from it?

Yes, this is once again that annoying topic that most of my friends think im obsessed with. Sue me. But here is my thought. Is it really obsession? Or is it simply a girl looking for something new? Looking for something to come home to? Looking for something to make all the monsters of life go away? I do not believe for one second that even the people that are "happy being single" are truly happy. I believe they have got so comfortable with who they are, where they are that they deal. It is a human reaction to want the feeling of love. I mean even Darth Vader wanted to feel it. Why else would he say "Luke, i am your father"? He was looking for accpectance. Love.

I think that the thing that floors me the most is people on the outside of a "relationship" giving advice when they are single and bitter. I recently came across this. Someone said to me "If he liked you, he would let you know by now. In some way he would tell you." Does this person not understand that not everyone loves the same way? Who am i to say this said man doesnt care about me? And why would i say that just because he isnt saying it in a way i know? Not everyone in the world moves at the same speed. So am i an idiot to even hang on to a tiny bit of hope that he will pick me? Am i an idiot to still care for someone who directly hasnt said he cared for me? Am i an idiot for being a hopeless romantic, knowing very well i could get my heart broken? Maybe so. But i ask you this one last question.

Would you rather be an idiot for love, or a bitter person having nothing to look forward to?

Me, im happy to be an idiot for love. It might hurt me more times then not. But i am 100% greatful for that hurt. Without that hurt i wouldnt be who i am. Without that hurt i wouldnt know what i know. And without that hurt i might never find that man that will finally make me cry tears of happiness.