Sunday, October 17, 2010

Selfish Venting: Self Love, Self Esteem, & Myself

First off i want to make it clear that i know what im about to talk about is selfish. I know that it makes me look like i dont give a crap about my friends, family, so on. For those that truly know me know this isn't true. For those that dont know me and think it is, well either get to know me or get over it? Just saying. Also i want to disclose that this venting isn't attacking any one single person. It IS attacking this daily fact of wanting to just burst into tears for no reason. I apologize ahead of time if this offends. If ANYONE feels like it is attacking them personally, please come to me to discuss this. I really want no feelings being hurt. That being said, be prepared for a long entry. Oh and excuse the pity party lol, what snack did you bring to share? :)

First lets start off many many years ago now. I have an Aunt who was killed by a drunk driver before our family joined the church. My step-dad always said we were just dry Mormons, you just had to add the water. My mother was the only one married and was told she would never bare children (i have 3 other siblings, proof God is the best Dr). Well before my aunt Kay was killed she started making this baby blanket. Being my mother was the only one married you could understand the contention this brought about. My aunt had special needs, but was very loving and obviously in tune with the spirit. She still carried on like a normal teenager. School, driving, so on. I dont know the extent of that part. Anyways. Everyone questioned her about the blanket, she kept insisting my mother was going to have a child. She got the blanket half way done and was pulling out to school one morning, and as i stated was hit by a drunk driver. The car apparently flew into a field and burst into flames. The family was lost, at this time not being members and thinking they would NEVER see her again, they were lost. Well, a few weeks to a month later my mother found out she was 2 weeks pregnant with me. I always start tearing up at this part. I was known as the miracle baby, the baby that helped cure the pain that was brought about randomly.

Now, sure that is a really moving story, touching to the soul. But can you imagine the amount of pressure that puts on me? I honestly feel like i was handed this huge plate with a whole pig on it, and was told i had only an hour to eat it. I'm stuffed. This ties in nicely right now with the whole point of that story. I use to not understand who i was, why im here, and what to do in life. I'm for sure not saying i understand fully now, but the past few months things have began to get easier. I have seen that the only person placing that pig on my plate is me. I have learned that i am an amazing person that is loving, caring, and real. I have gained that self esteem, self love, and self worth i have never felt before. I know God loves me, and i KNOW he hears my pleas. But this is the part where i become selfish and frustrated. I pray others reading this can relate, feel free to help me understand any way you can.

In the last few months i have witnessed more weddings, births, relationships, and people basically..........getting exactly what i want. Selfish? Ya...i know. It breaks my heart, yet i am so happy for them at the same time. In the church these days it seems that once you hit 30 and you aren't married there is something wrong with you. That you did something wrong along the way. Now again that is just how i FEEL, not what is taught. I have held this in for so long, that i think that is why i cant fall asleep. A friend of mine said to me today. " I use to be afraid of sleep." It was like a light bulb. I am so afraid to sleep because i know that my dreams of a family will still happen. I know that my dreams of just having that one person to hold me and to hold will happen. I know that the dreams of everything i desire wont just stop. It haunts me like a evil spirit. And i am at my wits end trying to figure out how to make them stop. It is clearly nothing that is wrong with me. And if one more person tells me " In the Lords time Tricia" i swear to chocolate i am going to go animal planet on them! I get that its the Lords time, but what about what i want? What about what i feel i need? Ya he might think that its not "my" time, but i do. And i as a human being can only attend church so much, read my scriptures so much and do all them primary answers SO much, before i want to explode. Which brings me to my final point of which i pray neither of my parents read lol.

I get that we are taught happiness is in the temple, and i believe that dont get me wrong. I want that, and i wont settle for a life without that. But, what if my calling to marry isn't that easy? What if i am to be an example to someone of the church and teach them the truth. And what if along the way i DO fall in love with that person. Am i honestly supposed to keep saying, well if/when you join the church i can marry you? Something about that sounds so screwy to me. Now dont think im going to run out find some non-member and say hey your mine lets make babies! My point is, is it so bad to marry outside the church, as long as the other party understands my stance with it? IDK....this is the one single part of the church i fight with. I have had chances to possibly marry, but i walked away because they weren't LDS and weren't going to i question that.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Facts Vs Fiction Part 2

What an eventful evening! I have never cried so much, never smiled so much, never felt so much support. Thank you to everyone that was there including my Cousin Chris who made my mind rest, my heart full, and my brain ready to go again!

I have decided NOT to post anything more on this topic against my dear loving Boyd K Packer. I have decided there is no reason for it. What it comes down to is 2 things. Love & Acceptance of PEOPLE. I will talk about both of these briefly and then put this topic to rest.

For just a few hours i felt attacked, unloved, alone, and unhappy. Some of the people i thought the world of were throwing punches at me for different reasons. I was told i was going to hell because i supported Gay Rights. I was told I was insensitive because i believed in and supported and sustained Boyd K Packer. In a way you could say i was bullied correct? I was bullied by the people that were complaining they were bullied by Elder Packer. These people were taking jabs at him saying that he was probably harassed for his last name and hates gays now, saying that he probably overcame being gay. Seriously? Were you NOT just complaining about how what he said could cause bullying and yet you did it to him? Hypocritical? Hell (pardon my french), I am doing the same thing right now! Point is im doing it to prove a point. What good does fighting about something we know will NEVER change on either end do? (I will get to this later) We must love. "Turn the other cheek". Love thy neighbor as thyself. No one said that Mormons had to agree with Same sex marriage or Gay rights. No one said the Gay & Lesbian Community should agree with what the LDS church believes. But believing in God or not, loving each other IS the answer.

Accepting and loving each other go hand in hand. I dont agree with people that smoke, yet i dont walk around taking their cigarettes and burning them against their foreheads yelling "CANCER STICK" (even though times it IS tempting!). This will bring me to the final point. We need to accept one another. The LDS church is NOT going to change its stance on Gay Marriage or Rights. The Gay and Lesbian Community is not going to just disappear. So at some point, we are either going to have to get along and accept and love each other as PEOPLE. Or we can keep seeing what happened to these beautiful 3 young men happen over and over. I vote to love and accept each other.

How do you vote?

Monday, October 4, 2010

Facts Vs Fiction.

For the last 30 min i have been almost in tears about this, and finally decided it was time to do what i do best. Let it out. First of all let me say I will be doing another blog when i have the full information in front of me. And i will be posting links where to get the info.

It has come to my attention that there are those people i know that seem to think the LDS church is apparently insensitive among other things. There is word of a talk by the President of the 12 Elder Boyd K Packer, making some comments that have angered the Gay & Lesbian Community. First and foremost i will say this. Do not tell me what he said SHOW me. After listening to what he said and getting halfway and getting more frustrated that people even of my religion would say he was insensitive and unloving i couldn't finish listening. Once i am able to read the words he said is when i will be doing another blog. But let me reassure you, if you dont like what im saying here, you might not want to read that one.

I am in a crying shaking fit. This man i have shook hands with, i have seen the LOVE in his eyes. I have felt the love in his voice. For someone on a site to say the following statement shakes me to my core.

“When a faith leader tells gay people that they are a mistake because God would never have made them that way and they don’t deserve love, it sends a very powerful message that violence and/or discrimination against LGBT people is acceptable. It also emotionally devastates those who are LGBT or may be struggling with their sexual orientation or gender identify. His words were not only inaccurate, they were also dangerous.” ( italic part used by me )

First off, he didn't say that. Of all things i would remember it would be that! And the next person that tells me he implied it might just get on that last nerve. EVERYONE EVERDAY IMPLIES! Unless someone in my religion comes right out and says this word for word, then whatever word he uses will be taken differently by everyone. At that point i will then stop defending the religion i know is true now more then ever. I have had many moments in the last year or so that prove to me it is. I understand that because the LDS church doesn't support Gay rights & Marriage that we will always be looked down upon by these groups. The same happened for any organization that looks down upon something. I am fine with those that think this about me and or my religion. But what i am not fine with is accusing someone i sustain and support with my whole heart of something he never SAID. I am deeply sorry if this offends anyone. TO BE CONTUIUED

Friday, October 1, 2010

Bulling of all kinds breaks my heart.

I have sat and remained quiet about this long enough. I had the choice today to verbally attack someone or do a blog. I choose the blog lol.

It has come to my attention that bulling in America is growing. In its many forms it is becoming as Ellen said " a crisis ". Furthermore, the one we hear about most is gay & lesbian bulling. I do not plan to spend to much time on this aspect alone, but i will confront it a bit. First and foremost, it has GOT to stop. There are kids as young as 12 years old committing suicide because they are bullied so bad. This does NOT make them EMO like someone today has stated, it makes them human. These poor kids are slowly dying so much inside that they lose the motivation to keep going. They are hiding who they are because they are so afraid to interrupt their "perfect" family life that day by day they slowly get weaker. At what point did we as Americans become so cold hearted? Did i miss the transformation? It is appaling that people honestly dont care about this. Or if they do they are so ashamed what their friends will think of them if they make a stand. Well, I am not. IF i lose friends over this posting so be it. " Be who you are, those that matter dont mind. Those that mind dont matter"

First off here is a little background. I grew up in Michigan in a small town where i was one of the few Mormon kids. From 6th-8th grade i was abused verbally and physically by kids at my school daily. Why? Well it shouldn't be a shock to any of my friends im overweight, not like i can hide it lol. I was called fatso, cow, and many other absurd things. I was told i was a lesbian because i tried so hard to get all the girls to be my friend. I was pushed down flights of stares, cornered and poked and kicked. Most of all i ate alone at lunch daily. I had no friends. This went through to High School. Luckily it kinda tapered off a Lil bit. But not enough that it stopped. I was still called fat, ugly, and other things. Now why do i share this? Because i can relate to these kids. Wither they are being bullied cuz they are gay or straight, white or black, nerd or jock it must stop. We cant as Americans sit back and let it happen. We must band together and make a stand. How you ask?

A few months ago it was brought to my attention that i made a lot of gay jokes, i had heard these jokes from people that were gay. I figured it did no harm until recently. I am was a bully, sure i wasnt saying them jokes to hurt anyone but i still laughed. As i look back it saddens me that i was exactly what i am complaining about at one time. I didnt accept people that were gay or nerds, or anything all the time. In fact at one time the Gay environment made me REALLY uncomfortable. I didnt like that it did, so i did the one thing that would change that. I educated myself about it. Now i am open minded to it. I can be around them, i can love them, and i WILL defend them. Being gay or lesbian is not a disease it is a lifestyle just like being Mormon, Catholic, or a Sport freak. These people feel just as strongly about what they believe in as any of those others do. But yet, do we see people getting killed anymore because they are Mormon or Catholic? No. Because we have accepted that it wont change them. As we need to do with the Gay and Lesbian community.

In ending, im not asking anyone that reads this to all of a sudden be for Gay rights. Im not asking everyone to lobby up and go hit the pavement. Im simply asking everyone to watch what you say, you might be that person that thinks their words are harmless. However you also might be that persons final blow. Just think about it.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Feb 2010 Update

Once a month is all im going to be able to do for a while. You will see why as you read this blog!

First and foremost, yes i am alive, i am well. Ok well right now im sick from the lame utah dirty air. BUT, im functioning. I have been busy as a bee, Taking 14 credit hours for me is like taking 20 for the normal person. I am learning a lot, writing a lot, and whining a lot lol. Basically school life is insane but informative, and has taught me a lot already. Im adoring my Marriage and family relation class. My teacher is super insightful, and allows us to create our own opinions of life, thus helping us see weakness that we may have that would effect a marriage. It also allows me to see what a great person i am. Despite what my ex's might say, or other people that truly dont know me, or are just as messed up in the head lol. I have been working on a lot of things in my life recently. Mainly, my church dedication. Im so grateful for a loving father in heaven who understands my heart, and blesses me in ways he sees fit. Im receiving blessings i asked for months if not years ago. And i brings tears to my eyes how that works.

I also have been spending some time looking for a better job. As of now Best Buy is doing my drug testing, and background check. I hope to hear from them soon. Its nine dollars a hour, with 15 hours a week at least. Im hoping to get more. The best part of this is that i wont have to take 2 bus's just to get to work. One bus, and tracks. Not bad at all! Im excited. I also applied with Convergous to do their census work for 3 months. 14 a hour......that will start after school is out so im hoping to pick that up full time and do best buy part time, and make some decent money to toss into savings.

My friend Nicole and I are planning a trip to england in 2011. Im SOOOOOOOOO excited. I havent traveled ever really. I have a feeling after this trip i will have a travel bug!

Well that is all that is really going on. Ok not all, but all that i am going to mention so i dont taboo anything ;)

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Couldn't Sleep

Sleep was not happening so i thought maybe my mind needed to release some stuff. As of the last post I have basically removed ALL drama people from my life. ANYONE who brought drama at all to my life, or let other friends do so was removed. I must say my spirits have been higher than ever. I have had a easier time choosing what is right. I have felt closer to the things i know i must do. It IS true, light can not dwell where darkness is!

School starts Tuesday. Im pretty excited. I really cant wait to get my 2 years done. I plan on leaving Utah as soon as it is. Where? who knows. But out of Utah!

Some may know i have talking to a lad in england. The time difference is killing me. We hardly get to speak, but im happy. He enriches my life. It will be interesting to see where this goes. I feel like im in the movie August Rush or Across the universe...more so that one lol no kid. MMMMMM the thought of his voice. HEAVEN ON EARTH!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

True Love. Imperfections. And random rant.

True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well being of one’s companion ~ Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley ~

After finding this quote my friend had on facebook i thought a lot about love. Love in a marriage, love in a family, love in God, love in the church, love in YOURSELF. It all applies. It has recently come to my attention through almost deciding to cut ties with one of my closest friends that i have many "issues" and many of them issues stem from not loving myself. Let me explain how i feel this quote applies to this.

"anxious concern for the well being of one's companion". Sure President Hinckley was speaking of a marriage love, but i believe this can apply to being concerned for our own inner companion. The Holy Ghost. It is something that i know i personally dont have "anxious concern of well being" for. Something that i hope to change. No, something I WILL change. I honestly believe that if we "provided for" our spirit more and for our bodies less that our individual lives would be happier, more carefree, and less drama. Bringing me to my final thought for the night.

As i realized that i wasn't anxiously concerned for the well being of my companion the Holy Ghost i saw many of my imperfections once again come into the light. And my "ah ha" radar went CRAZY! If i'm not taking care of my spirit how can i expect God to help me perfect my imperfections, thus making me happy? And if im not happy, how can i expect to make smart choices in my life that will lead me to exaltation. Therefore, if i'm not on a path to exaltation, why am i even alive?! HOLY AH HA BATMAN! It is 100% true that EVERY aspect of this church is linked together. Like i explained to a dear friend last night. If you believe in one part of the church, you believe in it all. For example, i have a lack of testimony of Joseph Smith and the Book Of Mormon. Not that i don't believe it. I just don't have a strong testimony of it. Although, i 100% believe in the family unit of the church, the proclamation to the family, the after life. So, if i believe in that i believe in God, if i believe in God i believe he spoke to Joseph Smith, and helped him translate the Book of Mormon. Thus, strengthening my testimony i didn't know was already solid.

I'm thankful for this mighty change in me. I'm thankful for a new year, new beginnings. I'm thankful for friends, real friends that put up with my drama. And forgive me for the dumb things i do. I'm thankful for the gospel in my life, and how it makes me automatic "sistas" with people i'm growing to love in my life. I am blessed.....truly blessed.

Devine Intervention

Today i am thankful for prayers being answered. It amazes me how the Lord really works. How he can take two people, even million miles apart and answer both their prayers. He honestly does know whats personally best for us, and at what time it is best. Sometimes we think we know what is best for us. But i promise, he knows what is better! And that makes me extremely happy! :D

Sunday, January 3, 2010

This is honestly my 2010 theme. I'm so sick of "friends" and others adding drama to my life. I have a hard enough time as a woman with the drama i personally create than to let others bring some with them. SAY NO TO DRAMA! The biggest issue is with Communication, not just men have this issue. People in general do not know how to communicate. They have the foot in the mouth disease. Think before you talk people! Given I'm just as guilty, but at least i catch on after a few seconds! And is it just me or do men not know how to communicate? The biggest thing i notice is they feel if they just ignore you, or if they just shrug things off that we will "get the hint". How about they just man up and grow a pair? Tell us how the heck you feel! Sure it might hurt, but it sure is heck of a lot easier on us than making us GUESS! You cant read our mind, so we cant read yours right? Alas, i love them. In spite of all the broken promises I've had from more than a few, i love men. And one day i will find the one that i will love more than anything, even if i might get frustrated with him daily lol. Venting over!

Friday, January 1, 2010

Live. Laugh. Love.

As a new year for me begins, i look back on this last year. There were many changes, heartbreaks, and struggles. For a short time i was saddened by these things. However, as i sat and thought more about them i realized what a blessing they were. I know with all my heart that who i am right this min is because of who i choose to be in the past. These things in this past year have impacted my greatly, good or bad. Therefore forgetting about them or wishing they were different just removes the reason i was sent here to earth.

There are many of my friends i look up to. As i write this blog there is one person who stands out in my mind. He is so positive, strong, diligent, humble, dedicated to whats right, and just a all around great person. I value him as a friend greatly, because there are many updates of his life that inspire me. He has a profound view of the "whole picture" of life. And i know without a doubt he was placed in my life this year to possibly "help me make it through". For this i am grateful.

For those that i don't talk to on a weekly bases that have NO idea what is going on in my life heres a update. Last Aug i started school again at a community college here in Utah. Something i have postponed far to long. What a experience that was! I switched from major to major not knowing what i wanted to do. I ended up taking a communications class that i really don't need now because of the switch of majors. I learned more about myself in this single class than i have in all the years alive! I'm grateful for that.

I'm also currently waitressing at a sports bar here in Utah. I love my job to death, the pay could be better though lol. I love meeting new people, having interesting short conversations, and the feeling i get when they ask to sit in my area whenever they come back. It just proves the direct impact you can have on someones life.

In conclusion for this blog, i would like to share one simple thought. It is my honest opinion that if we as humans Lived our lives with laughter and love the world would be a better place. Far to many times even in my own life i notice i take things much to serious. It is fairly easy to fall into this vicious cycle we call "real life" that we forget to live, laugh, and love. It is my hope that in this new 2010 year that i can Live more, Laugh often, and Love always.

Much Love