First off i want to make it clear that i know what im about to talk about is selfish. I know that it makes me look like i dont give a crap about my friends, family, so on. For those that truly know me know this isn't true. For those that dont know me and think it is, well either get to know me or get over it? Just saying. Also i want to disclose that this venting isn't attacking any one single person. It IS attacking this daily fact of wanting to just burst into tears for no reason. I apologize ahead of time if this offends. If ANYONE feels like it is attacking them personally, please come to me to discuss this. I really want no feelings being hurt. That being said, be prepared for a long entry. Oh and excuse the pity party lol, what snack did you bring to share? :)
First lets start off many many years ago now. I have an Aunt who was killed by a drunk driver before our family joined the church. My step-dad always said we were just dry Mormons, you just had to add the water. My mother was the only one married and was told she would never bare children (i have 3 other siblings, proof God is the best Dr). Well before my aunt Kay was killed she started making this baby blanket. Being my mother was the only one married you could understand the contention this brought about. My aunt had special needs, but was very loving and obviously in tune with the spirit. She still carried on like a normal teenager. School, driving, so on. I dont know the extent of that part. Anyways. Everyone questioned her about the blanket, she kept insisting my mother was going to have a child. She got the blanket half way done and was pulling out to school one morning, and as i stated was hit by a drunk driver. The car apparently flew into a field and burst into flames. The family was lost, at this time not being members and thinking they would NEVER see her again, they were lost. Well, a few weeks to a month later my mother found out she was 2 weeks pregnant with me. I always start tearing up at this part. I was known as the miracle baby, the baby that helped cure the pain that was brought about randomly.
Now, sure that is a really moving story, touching to the soul. But can you imagine the amount of pressure that puts on me? I honestly feel like i was handed this huge plate with a whole pig on it, and was told i had only an hour to eat it. I'm stuffed. This ties in nicely right now with the whole point of that story. I use to not understand who i was, why im here, and what to do in life. I'm for sure not saying i understand fully now, but the past few months things have began to get easier. I have seen that the only person placing that pig on my plate is me. I have learned that i am an amazing person that is loving, caring, and real. I have gained that self esteem, self love, and self worth i have never felt before. I know God loves me, and i KNOW he hears my pleas. But this is the part where i become selfish and frustrated. I pray others reading this can relate, feel free to help me understand any way you can.
In the last few months i have witnessed more weddings, births, relationships, and people basically..........getting exactly what i want. Selfish? Ya...i know. It breaks my heart, yet i am so happy for them at the same time. In the church these days it seems that once you hit 30 and you aren't married there is something wrong with you. That you did something wrong along the way. Now again that is just how i FEEL, not what is taught. I have held this in for so long, that i think that is why i cant fall asleep. A friend of mine said to me today. " I use to be afraid of sleep." It was like a light bulb. I am so afraid to sleep because i know that my dreams of a family will still happen. I know that my dreams of just having that one person to hold me and to hold will happen. I know that the dreams of everything i desire wont just stop. It haunts me like a evil spirit. And i am at my wits end trying to figure out how to make them stop. It is clearly nothing that is wrong with me. And if one more person tells me " In the Lords time Tricia" i swear to chocolate i am going to go animal planet on them! I get that its the Lords time, but what about what i want? What about what i feel i need? Ya he might think that its not "my" time, but i do. And i as a human being can only attend church so much, read my scriptures so much and do all them primary answers SO much, before i want to explode. Which brings me to my final point of which i pray neither of my parents read lol.
I get that we are taught happiness is in the temple, and i believe that dont get me wrong. I want that, and i wont settle for a life without that. But, what if my calling to marry isn't that easy? What if i am to be an example to someone of the church and teach them the truth. And what if along the way i DO fall in love with that person. Am i honestly supposed to keep saying, well if/when you join the church i can marry you? Something about that sounds so screwy to me. Now dont think im going to run out find some non-member and say hey your mine lets make babies! My point is, is it so bad to marry outside the church, as long as the other party understands my stance with it? IDK....this is the one single part of the church i fight with. I have had chances to possibly marry, but i walked away because they weren't LDS and weren't going to join.......now i question that.