Confusion. Confidence. Comfort. I swear these words play leading roles in my daily life! Hopefully this blog is something others can relate to. Also i hope those reading all my ramblings actually enjoy them haha.
Anyone that knows me knows 3 things about me. 1. I wear my heart on my sleeve. 2. I will easily give every part of who i am for a man i care about. 3. i have zero confidence in myself sometimes. (more then a year ago for sure! but still....)These three things once again caused some drama in my weekend, and caused me a little pain, that surly isn't going to go away anytime soon I'm sensing. Of which I'm torn between being happy about and sad about.
Within the last month i have seen AMAZING blessings, a transformation of spirit, and a deeper love for the gospel in my life. I am SO thankful for this, and I'm blown away by it also. I could never in this lifetime understand the love our Savior and Heavenly Father have for me. But weekly, if not daily i see and learn more about what love really is by them. I am truly being blessed daily in my life with things that i couldn't even imagine. I am building the strongest relationships with others then i have ever had. I am becoming a woman of God. What a blessing that is, but at the same time the road to becoming that woman is definitely testing my strength and endurance to what is right.
I had the opportunity in the last couple weeks of meeting an AMAZING man. A man that is temple worthy, honest, loving, giving, respectful, funny, caring, hardworking, smart, and attractive on the inside and out. If i were to have met this man a year ago i wouldn't of given him a 2ND look. He would of just been another guy on the street. But, i didn't meet him a year ago. I met him at a time when Heavenly Father saw fit. I have fallen for this man and id be a fool to deny i haven't. In fact, those knowing me probably know where I'm going with this lol. I am a VERY honest, straight forward girl. I say what i feel, what i think, and what i want. I am not afraid of pain. I'm use to it. BUT, the events of this weekend have also taught me something else. I am strong beyond measure. I can feel all of these emotional, physical, spiritual connections to a man and if those feelings arnt returned i have learned i can still be his friend. Not just the friend that hopes for something someday (again those that know me know I'm doing this a tiny bit lol)but a friend who is there to support, love, advice and care for this man for who he is.
During this weekend of a tad bit of drama and pain, i was once again taught how mindful and loving our Heavenly Father is of us. The drama kinda broke late Saturday night, i slept maybe a hour and half. When i woke up to get ready for church i just laid there not wanting to even move, let alone open my eyes. I knew myself well enough to know it was going to be a HARD day. But i got up, got ready and drove to church. I sat in my friends car for a minute to gather myself and say a quick prayer that the pain and uncomfort i was feeling in my tummy would go away. That something would hit me in one of the lessons and that i would feel comforted. As i walked into RS and the lesson started instantly i knew i was meant to be there. I'm sure others took out what they needed. But for me the whole lesson was about the Lords time table vs ours. And about how turning to him for peace and comfort give us the ability to build a stronger relationship with him. During the lesson there were a couple things that stuck out to me that were said. First, " Our willingness to sacrifice shows our dedication to the Lord." Second, there was a comment about "putting on the Lords glasses". After Sunday school i drove back to where i was staying to pick up my friends that were not ready yet. In the process one decided that she was just to wiped out to get up. Thus leaving only the young man of which my crush was on. I was worried about how it would be after all the weirdness. But to my pleasant surprise it wasn't weird at all for me. If anything it gave me the chance to speak with him and make things a lil more normal.
In sacrament meeting there was a talk about Happiness and choosing daily to be happy and be grateful for the small things like catching fireflies. When that latter part was mentioned i instantly started crying! Anyone that is from the Midwest knows what fireflies are, and they are like my FAVORITE bug! Welllllll actually the only bug that DOESNT make me scream lol. Another talk was given and a hiking story was shared by a young lady. She had never hiked before, but had decided to do this night hike with her brothers. One of her brothers had done the hike before. He knew the paths and which way to go. He knew how hard it would be, but he also knew the beautiful lake that was at the end of the hike. The young lady shared a sentence that stuck with me pretty hard. " We don't need to know the whole path, we just need to know a few feet in front of us."
I am so blessed in my life to have the friends i have and the gospel. I will admit there is something that is making it so easy to be good friends with the said young man, wither that is because we are meant to be the best of friends. Or if somewhere down the road things might take a turn in a direction no one can predict. What i do know is that i will be eternally grateful for him, for teaching me SO much about myself that day. And for giving me such a new vision of what love is. Love my friends is not just romance and physical. True love is indestructible, it is real, and it is wholesome. I truly do love this man for all he has done for me, and i can only pray he sees how special he truly is.