Sunday, April 3, 2011

Unanswered Prayers

For years i have vented, complained, and stressed about marriage, love, and relationships. If there is anything that i have learned in the last few months it is that the Lord knows us better than we know us. He loves us more than we love us at times. And he has more faith in us then most of the time we do ourselves.

Recently there have been 2 men in my life that have drastically changed it. Both of them have started in the same way. Boy is sweet. Girl falls for boy. The difference between them is major. The first one i did sooooo much work to make it known i cared, that i didn't allow him to care. I read into things, misread signs, and basically almost ruined something that i didn't know would happen. Friendship. He is the single most important person in my life right now next to God, and my best girlfriend and roomie. He knows me better than i know myself i believe. He respects me, is honest with me, and puts up with ALL of my imperfections. Falling for him so fast taught me MANY things i needed to learn. And in the end i still won. I have him as my Best Friend.

The second man, i can't even put into words what a wonderful person he is. He is everything i have in my Best Friend, but there is that spark. And i know without a doubt he feels it. As many of you know i am a VERY hard girl. What you see is what you get. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm honest, real, and direct. I don't play games, and i don't believe in "gender roles". I figure if i like a guy he should know, and usually he does lol. The trick i must learn is to as my roommate and BeSIStie said "Let him miss you." Because i don't believe in games i have a tendency to do ALL the work. And when the work gets to be to much, i also tend to freak out like a 2 year girl who's brother just tore off her Barbies head. At that point i close up. I get scared, emotional, and lose faith in who i am.

I had this discussion with my Roomie today. I said i somehow had to be able to wear my heart on my sleeve, but keep it from getting broken. Just like a cuff link, its gonna get scratched, and banged up a bit. Call me dumb, but i don't regret that. What i do regret is one single thing. Losing Trust.

When something doesn't go the way i expected, like deciding to not text for 2 days and hearing nothing from a boy. I tend to lose trust in God. Faith in his plan for me. I told my roommate tonight that i wish i just was hard....that i didn't care....that i wasn't sweet and loving. I expressed how if the signs i saw from him of interest weren't real then i sure as heck don't know what is. I was quickly losing trust, and faith in God.

As if he could pre-hear my prayers he answered a question i hadn't even asked. I watched a movie tonight about long distance relationships. I realized how because of my heart on my sleeve i couldn't handle one RIGHT NOW. I realized that just because God is saying "Not right now" to what i want more then anything, doesn't mean hes saying "No". There is a reason for everything in life. The good, bad, happy, sad, drama, and peace. Each emotion has a purpose. Each purpose brings us one step close to our end goal. Eternal Life. So my dear friends.....I am grateful for unanswered prayers all these years. And I'm grateful for the "Not right nows", they teach me to trust more.

1 comment:

ashleyO said...

I'm glad you're understanding God's role in your decision process. This is His plan. We dont get to change the rules. Everything works out whether it is our choice or not. You must make the best out of what is offered and receive it with gratitude. Things may get crappy. May? More like do. Things DO get crappy. Usually it is because we are to stubborn to accept the fact that maybe that's what God thinks is best for us. Could you imagine if I chose that other person over C? My life would be mediocre. Temporary happiness. Wordly happiness. But with C I am going to have eternal happiness. This is because we are both strong in the church as individuals. Eternal life is a journey we take as an individual but MOST importantly as a couple. I highly doubt I would have had that with the other person.

God has someone great saved up for you. He is trying to tell you to be patient. You're like a kid trying to stick your finger into a freshly frosted cake before dinner has even been served. Sit at the table, eat the courses set out in front of you, and enjoy each bite. Not everything will taste great but you at least know that dessert will eventually be served. You just need to get through dinner first.

Love you.