As many of you know i have been semi-active in church for years now. I go and come, come and go. I never seemed to get my feet totally wet with the gospel. I was good at giving others advice, but couldn't give myself any. This last Sunday i had a VERY moving moment. It seemed to make this change i have made in my life so much easier to handle.
On Sunday i expected it to be any other day, roommate would drag me to church, i would feel warm, i would come home and go on with life. God had a hidden agenda for me hahahha. It started out the usual. Relief Society was good. Nothing where it touched me really but it was good. In Sunday school someone made a comment about strength in numbers. Using this analogy. Satan and us as saints are playing tug of war. He is selfish and wants the glory for him so he is pulling alone. Because he was with us in the war in heaven, he knows us just as well as Christ and God do. So there is no way we can take him out ourselves. We need Friends, family, church members to help us, to be on our "team".
That comment totally hit home, and i was mearly just warmed up for what was going to happen in sacrament meeting. I haven't taken the sacrament in year or so, because i knew i wasn't worthy. I knew i was doing things in my life that were not condusive to the spirit of Christ. I had decided that i wanted to take it this time, but that i would let the spirit tell me what i should do. As the bread came to me...i realized there was one piece left. Sure i could take it and he would walk up and get more. But i felt very strong that i shouldn't. So i let my roommate have it. The brother that was passing it asked if i wanted one...and i just said no thank you. As tears just started streaming. I knew i wasn't worthy, i knew i wanted to be. And for the VERY first time in my life i felt what it should feel like during partaking of the sacrament. I literly could see Christ himself bleeding for ME, taking upon my pain, hurt, anguish, tears, everything. I literly could see him dieing for me....being nailed to that cross, for ME.
It felt like 30 min of passing of water...honestly there were freakishly girl crys coming from me. Noises i am sure only dogs could hear. I wanted out. I wanted to hide. I felt as i would feel before the feet of my God, and it scared me. As soon as it was over i bolted to the bathroom and just sobbed. I thought i had cried EVERY SINGLE tear out of me. I went and stood by the chapel door waiting for the counselor to finish his testimony so i could go sit down. As i walked in i somehow ended up in a chair close to the pulpit. I noticed this to late...as it was my turn to go. I got up there. And all i remember is baring witness of the atonement. The rest was a blur to me now. All i know is that after church a sweet girl said to me " The spirit was here before you bore witness, but the min you started talking it got a million times stronger."
I have been called sweet, charming, a flirt, friendly, loving, and many other things. But that was the most amazing compliment anyone could give me. I then made a appointment to meet with the bishop. I was scared to death. But i met with him on Tuesday, expecting the worst. I walked in there not taking the sacrament, and feeling like the worst Mormon EVER. I walked out feeling love, peace, understanding, comfort. I walked out with the mutual set goal between God and myself to receive my endowments out in June or July. I walked out with a calling that i am VERY excited about. And the best part....I walked out feeling love for who i am, a BEAUTIFUL daughter of God, a princess.
I would like to thank all my friends who have never lost faith in me. For my family who is always there to support me. I love this church. I love the peace. I love the freedom. I love God and my Savior Jesus Christ.